


Shadows and Silence

by Danipow



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Disabilities, Drama, Humor, M/M, Shadowgast, dunamancy as a mobility aid, slow-burn romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-03-05 18:12:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 64,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18834028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Danipow/pseuds/Danipow
Summary: When Caleb brings an unusual book to Essek for identification, they end up setting off a trap that leaves both of them pondering life without magic. As they learn more about each other, they begin to grow closer––and soon realize that some secrets are worth sharing.





	1. Chapter 1

**\--- Chapter 1 ---**

 

The knock was gentle upon his door.

Essek barely stirred. Soft and warm as his blankets were, he was loathe to leave the comfort of his bed. The meeting last night had dragged on for hours. Hadn't he earned a bit of meditation to recharge his energy?

Another knock, louder this time. The crack of knuckles against polished wood echoed through his personal chambers, and Essek snuggled further into the heavy quilted blanket. It probably wasn't important. If it _were_ important, the soft knock would be a deafening bang. Someone would be shouting urgently through the door. Hell, someone would probably kick the damn thing open, if things were bad enough. No, this was just a minor annoyance. They'd take the hint and go away. One more hour to meditate. That's all he wanted.

"Master Shadowhand? Sir?"

Essek let out a heavy sigh and reluctantly pushed the blanket away. _Fine._ He'd get up. It was growing painfully obvious no one was going to let him rest for more than a few minutes at a time, anymore. "Yes?" he called out politely. "What is it?"

"You have a visitor, sir."

_Oh, for the love of––_

"Who is visiting?" Essek's tone was a study in how to conceal one's annoyance by gritting his teeth and responding through a smile. As he pressed his palms against the plush mattress of his bed to scoot himself into a seated position, the disembodied voice of his attendant called out again.

"Caleb Widogast, sir. The human. One of the heroes?"

Essek froze. _Caleb?_ With a soft curse, Essek grabbed his right thigh and yanked it sideways to fling it off the side of the bed. "Give me fifteen minutes!" he called back. It was more difficult to keep the irritation out his voice, this time. He didn't like rushing, but he didn't want Caleb to sit in the antechamber twiddling his thumbs while Essek primped and preened for an hour. Muttering to himself, Essek dragged his other leg off the edge of the bed and shifted to push himself up. The familiar disorientation of trying to balance on two nearly-useless legs prompted him to throw an arm out, but the moment was fleeting. It took only a wave of his hand and a few murmured words to summon the gravitational force of dunamancy and command his body to rise an inch off the floor.

Far more assured of himself now that he was enveloped in the comfort of his magic, Essek drifted to his wardrobe and pulled aside the double doors. _Let's see... Black trews under a black tunic? No, too severe. Perhaps the lavender trousers paired with the ivory top? No, no, all wrong. The ruffles keep getting in the way. Hmm..._ Essek rubbed his chin, considering and discarding several potential outfits before finally deciding upon a silky, silver-threaded white top and a pair high-waisted tan trousers. No one would see the trousers, of course, but the silver threads in his sleeves would certainly draw attention against the stark black of his robe.

It was a bit difficult to work his legs into the trousers. Essek sat upon the edge of his bed to shimmy them on, then snapped his fingers to summon the pair of leg braces he'd had constructed years ago. They didn't do much for mobility; the delicate filigree of their design was lovely to look upon, of course, but their purpose was mainly to keep his legs straight so the damn things didn't flap around as he floated about. Someone would certainly notice if his feet propelled backwards into the fabric of his robe, were he to move too quickly. That would invite questions.

Essek didn't like questions.

The bracers snapped around his thighs and stretched down to his calves, with a protective halo guarding his knees. A secondary accessory locked his feet comfortably into place, the components padded to keep them from scraping against the soft leather of his boots. Satisfied that everything was in order, Essek floated upright and gathered his robe and mantle. _A few pieces of jewelry, a bit of pomade, a quick flick of a comb. Face, don't forget the face..._

Essek presented himself to the full length mirror fixed to the wall beside his wardrobe. Good enough. He'd look better with a proper bath and more time, but...well, Caleb hadn't seemed like someone who cared too much about appearances.

_Though he did have a new coat, last time I saw him. I should compliment it._

With one last glance in the mirror, Essek swept out of his bedroom and into the circler antechamber that served both as a study and meeting space. It was an interior chamber; there were no windows here to let in the subtle light of the grounds outside. Several blue magelights hovered in sconces around the perimeter of the room instead, casting a gentle glow over its contents. In the center of the room, a circular meeting table was neatly laid out with the map Essek had been consulting the night before. Bookshelves dominated nearly half of the chamber, arranged across from two plush reading chairs. And seated in one of the chairs, his eyes fixed intently upon the bookshelf nearest to him, was Caleb.

Essek shot an inquisitive glance to his attendant, Ylsana. The young man stood near the doorway, his hands clasped behind his back as he kept an eye on their visitor. The moment Essek emerged, he bowed his head and crossed the room to let himself out into the common hall. Caleb looked up in surprise at the sudden movement, and quickly stood as he noticed Essek drifting towards him.

"Caleb Widogast," Essek acknowledged. "Such a surprise. Here you are, arriving unannounced to my personal chambers. A bit presumptuous, but I'll admit to being intrigued. What brings you here?"

"I have this book." Caleb brought out a weathered brown tome that had been tucked under his new purple coat. He clutched it with both hands, his brows furrowing at it as though he was trying to solve a mystery. "I have been trying to––oh." He looked up suddenly, his gaze distant and slightly averted. "I'm sorry. Hello. Were you busy?"

"Not at all," Essek said. "Just resting my eyes." He floated casually to the table, his gaze dropping briefly to make sure he hadn't left out any sensitive documents. The only thing laying in the table was the map of the underground tunnels being planned by a few associates. He reached out to roll it up. Even a little bit of information could be dangerous in the wrong hands, and Caleb's group wasn't entirely predictable. As he carried the map away, Caleb followed him with half-lidded eyes.

"I did not think elves slept," he said, and Essek chuckled as he tucked the map into a nook between two bookshelves.

"We don't have to," he replied smoothly, "Meditation is usually enough. But it's not the same as reclining comfortably in bed with a soft blanket and simply shutting out the entire world."

Caleb's expression grew distant again. "Ah. That's true."

A small, spotted cat twined through his legs as he spoke, watching Essek with bright, intelligent eyes. _Ah, yes. The familiar._ Essek offered it a smile and turned his attention back to the human. "I hope you'll forgive my rushed appearance," he said. "I'm a bit thrown together at the moment." He spread his arms to invite a compliment. Caleb barely looked at him.

"Ja, okay. So if you are not busy, I have this book." His eyes were back on the filthy tome. With an inward sigh, Essek dropped his arms and drifted closer to see it. "It is a strange book," Caleb continued. "I would not have bothered you, but I am unable to figure it out. It feels like magic, but it does not _glow_ like magic. I am very interested in reading it, but I _can't get inside."_ Frustration warmed his otherwise flat voice. Interested in spite of himself, Essek leaned closer.

"Locked?" he wondered.

"No lock," Caleb said. "Just a strap that can not be untied or cut open. I do not want to disenchant it, in case––"

"Yes, that would be foolish." Essek held out a hand. "May I see?"

Caleb stared him. He looked back down, his grip tightening on the flaking edges of the tome. "I am...very interested in the contents of this book," he repeated.

"As am I," Essek agreed patiently. "But I imagine I'll have difficulty assisting you if you won't let me see it." He kept his hand steady and waited. Slowly, reluctantly, Caleb inched it towards his fingers.

"I want it back."

Essek glanced up with a bemused smile. "Do you think me a thief, sir Widogast?"

Their fingers brushed together. Caleb yanked his hands away. A faint flush rose in his cheeks, and he stepped back as though to retreat from the accusation. "That is not what I meant. I––"

"No harm." Essek flipped the tome over. "Let's have a look, shall we? That's a stunning coat, by the way," he added. "My compliments."

"Ja, thanks. The book, please."

With a soft chuckle, Essek returned his attention to the tome. As he looked it over, his smile began to fade. "Where did you say you found this?"

"I did not say. It was in a box. Wrapped in chains. In a cave."

Essek's gaze flicked to Caleb's face. "And what were you doing in a cave?"

"I was...just there."

Essek studied him closely. Evasive as the answer was, there seemed to be no deceit in the human's demeanor. No shifty glances, no nervous fidgeting. Just that dull, slightly impatient expression. "Interesting," he murmured. "Very well." He held the tome in one hand and waggled his fingers over it. Nothing. He murmured a few words under his breath. Nothing. He turned the book upside-down, backwards, right-side up, tugging all the while on the simple folded knot of leather cording that had been wound around it.

Nothing.

Essek frowned. He could feel the tell-tale tingle of energy that all magical items emitted, but he couldn't read anything else in its signature. It wasn't often that he came across a piece of magic he couldn't identify. It was frustrating. And a little embarrassing. Essek had fully intended to impress Caleb with his expertise, but this was....

He didn't know _what_ it was.

"Well," he said finally. "It seems to be resistant to identification spells."

"And unlocking spells. And detection spells."

They both bowed their heads over the curious tome. Essek cast Caleb a sidelong glance, his attention momentarily drawn to the slight curl in the lock of reddish brown hair that fell over his startlingly blue eyes. Inspiration suddenly struck, and he leaned back to regard the tome in fresh consideration. "Perhaps...trust?" he offered.

"Trust?" Caleb brows furrowed again, and Essek held the book up with more confidence than he felt.

"I've read of such things: intelligent magical artifacts that can only be utilized by their chosen wielder. This may be of the same sort. Alternatively," he added, "a command word might be necessary to open it. But unless you want to sit here with a dictionary reading every single word in existence in the hopes that one of them might be correct..." He trailed off suggestively, knowing full well what the answer would be.

"Do you have such a dictionary?"

_Oh. Well, then._

Essek set the book on the table. "Let's try the trust spell first," he replied wryly. "It's just basic cantrip. Rudimentary, really. Barely worth my time. But...seeing as you're already here..." He waved his hand in an activation pattern and breathed out a simple command––

There was a bright flash of brilliant light and a barely audible _pop._ Essek and Caleb flew backwards from the table as a force of energy slammed against them. Essek caught himself quickly, his command of dunamancy allowing him to seize control of his own gravitational field and keep himself from falling. A pounding throb pulsed through his mind as he rose. Eyes scrunched shut from the assault of light, Essek shook it away, and the confusion spell that had attempted to take hold of him dissipated.

The light suddenly vanished.

Essek's magic went with it.

He collapsed to the floor with a startled gasp as he felt his magic abruptly disappear. His legs folded awkwardly beneath him, and there was a sharp pain in his knee as one of the braces locked in place, forcing his leg to twist inwards. Essek bit his lip to keep from crying out, and with his vision still sparkling from the blast, he quickly rolled to press his weight upon his hands. Spell words flittered through his clenched teeth: dunimantic commands, simple cantrips, stronger spells. Nothing was taking hold.

_A silence spell._

"Herr Shadowhand?"

Caleb's voice. Essek blinked away the last few dots of discolored light, his vision slowly focusing. Caleb wasn't far away, gingerly pushing himself up and rubbing his head as he looked around. The room was dark. All the magelights had been doused. What of the book? Essek shot his gaze to the table. It was difficult to see from his vantage on the floor, but there looked to be a few scraps of torn leather scattered about.

_Damn! I fell for it!_

Wincing, Essek crawled towards the table, his legs dragging behind him. One got caught in the long folds of his robe, and Essek yanked impatiently at his mantle to be rid of it.

"Herr Shadowhand," Caleb said again. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," Essek said shortly. "I'm fine."

"You do not sound fine."

"I'm _fine,"_ Essek snapped. "Give me a moment." His mantle dropped to the floor with a metallic clank. Essek immediately began to tug at the ties of his robe. The sooner he got it off, the sooner he could get his legs to fold properly so he could wrestle himself upright.

"What is that sound?"

Essek drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "My robe is caught on something," he said with forced patience. "I am removing it."

_There._ He flung the robe aside and scooted sideways until he was dragging himself across the floor on his belly. Thank the Light humans couldn't see in the dark. Essek wouldn't be able to live with himself, knowing someone had seen him in such a state.

As though on cue, Caleb rubbed at his eyes and squinted blindly into the darkness. "I can not see," he said. "I will summon some magelights."

Essek paused to watch in grim amusement as Caleb flung his hands out. Nothing happened, of course. Confused, Caleb tried again. Then again, until Essek finally turned away with a roll of his eyes.

"It's a magic dampening spell, Caleb. We've been silenced."

"Silenced?" Caleb stared owlishly in the direction of his voice. "No magic? No magic. No magic..." His voice thinned in growing panic. There was a meow from somewhere behind him, and Caleb groped wildly at his ankles until his familiar trotted into his hands. Caleb scooped it up and hugged it close to bury his face into its short fur. In the muted color palette of dark vision, it was hard to tell his hair from the cat's.

_Should I tell him about the confusion spell?_  Essek wondered. _No, probably not._

"It's temporary," Essek sighed as he reached the table. "I should have known. These were common long ago. Trap books left for curious magic-users to break into and detonate, thus leaving them vulnerable for attack." He grasped the seat of one of the elegantly carved chairs and clawed his way up to his knees. As he started to climb up to the height of the table, Caleb easily rose to his feet and took a tentative step towards him.

"How long does it last?" he demanded. Panic was giving way to anger: the stubborn determination of someone looking to solve a problem. Humming in approval of the human's quick recovery, Essek pressed his forearms upon the tabletop and heaved himself upright enough to lean against it. His legs were wobbly beneath him, but at least he was standing.

"They were ambush books," he said. "Few of them were worth heavy enchantment. If this was just a regular one, I'd wager a few minutes. Otherwise...perhaps an hour." There was a muted _urk_ as Caleb squeezed his familiar too hard. Essek cast him a reassuring smile, even though he knew Caleb wouldn't see it. "Don't worry, sir Widogast. You're safe, here."

"Your magic is gone."

"Yes," Essek replied. "I'm aware of that."

_"My_ magic is gone."

"Yes," Essek repeated. "That's generally how silencing spells work."

_"Weeee...._ ah, we––we––" Caleb dropped the cat to the floor and began to tap at the sides of his head, his face scrunched up as he stuttered his way through his own thought process. _"I_ have no other defenses," he finally managed. "Magic––magic is my sword. It is my shield. Wizards, sorcerers, mages––we are not strong without our _magic."_

There was no point in responding. Essek lifted a hand to summon his crutches. A split second later, he realized his mistake, and thanked the Light again that humans had been denied the gift of dark vision. He looked sideways to his bedroom. The door seemed much further away than normal. He definitely wouldn't make it that far without falling flat on his face. Lips thinning, he lowered his gaze instead to the chair beside him––and with his jaw clenched, he let himself fall forward to grasp the edges of the seat. Slowly, deliberately, he lifted the chair and dropped it a few inches away, then shuffled his lower body after it. The leg braces made the positioning difficult, but there was little he could do about it at the moment.

He hated this.

He hated feeling so weak, so vulnerable, so...

... _useless._

"What is that sound?"

Caleb sounded alarmed. Essek paused in his effort to clomp his way across the floor, then resolutely continued onwards. "I'm moving a chair," he said calmly. "It's heavy, and I'm trying not to drag it. I happen to like the carpet we are standing on."

Caleb's face was in his hands, now. He was breathing heavily, his head shaking and his shoulders twitching as he muttered under his breath in a language Essek didn't understand. Essek hoped he wasn't about to have a mental breakdown over this. He didn't want to have to shout out for help until he at least looked presentable again.

He reached one of the two plush chairs and turned to drop into it with a relieved sigh. It had been a long time since he'd needed to brace his weight upon his arms to walk anywhere. He was surprised at how sore they already were. _I wouldn't have made it to my bedroom,_ he realized dimly. _That's not good. If this ever happens again... By the Light, what if it were to happen in the midst of a fight? What if––_

He closed his eyes. He had been asking the same question for decades, and had yet to come up with a reassuring answer.

"Sit down, please," he sighed.

"I will stand."

Essek cracked his eyes open to watch Caleb begin pacing. "You are making me uneasy," he said. "Please. Sit."

Caleb stopped pacing. He looked towards Essek's voice, then around himself. Reaching down, he rubbed his fingers together, then scooped his familiar into his arms as the cat brushed against his hands. "I still can not see," he said. There was uncertainty in his voice, now. He wanted to be in control, but was realizing he needed guidance. A fond smile tugged at Essek's lips.

"Follow my voice," he suggested. "Walk slowly." Caleb took a stilted step forward, and Essek's smile widened. "Keep going. Keep going. Stop. Turn left. Good. Walk straight aaaand...s _top._ The chair is two paces in front of you." He watched in amusement as Caleb stretched out an arm to grope for the chair. There had been some talk amongst his associates about the possibility of taking humans as slaves upon conquering the Empire. It was a common enough practice in Xhorhas, and Caleb was certainly good at taking directions. But Essek had no interest in taking slaves. Seeing Caleb in those leather straps back when he and his friends had presented themselves to the Bright Queen had been interesting, but ultimately unsettling. Essek didn't want the Dynasty to rule through enslavement. That wasn't what the Luxon wanted of them. Essek was sure of it.

Caleb plunked onto the soft chair and sank into it, his fingers curling to claws upon the armrests as the cat began to knead his lap. "Now what?" he asked.

"Now we wait."

Caleb took a few quick breaths, then a deeper one in an obvious attempt to calm himself. "Should I summon your attendant?"

Essek huffed out a mirthless laugh. "There's nothing he can do. And honestly, I'd rather he not know I fell for such an obvious trap."

"Ja."

Essek shifted an uncertain look to the human. "I would appreciate it if you refrained from telling anyone about this," he said delicately.

"...Ja."

The response wasn't entirely reassuring. Essek pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed again. If only he could use his dunamancy! A simple time reversal spell would have counteracted this predicament instantly, had he reacted faster! It was that damned confusion spell. It had distracted him. If Essek hadn't been forced to react to it, he'd have been able to avoid this entire mess.

With a curl of his lip, he bent to remove his leg braces. Until he could access his magic, they would only get in his way. With deft motions honed over decades, he unhooked the clasp and slid apart the top of the first brace, then inclined further to unhook the one at his ankle.

"What is that sound?"

_What is it with you and sounds?_

"Just removing some accessories," Essek said as he slipped off the brace. "They've grown cumbersome."

Caleb fell silent, and Essek was acutely aware of him listening to every click and clack as he removed the second brace. "Should I worry about this?" Caleb suddenly asked.

Essek slipped the second brace off and laid it across his lap. "About having our magic silenced?" he asked mildly. "Yes, I would say that's a fair thing to be worried about."

"Not that." In the darkness, Caleb's monotone voice seemed more canny, more alert. "Stripped of my magic. Darkened room. You have been removing articles of your clothing piece by piece..."

A rich laugh erupted from Essek's throat. "You came to _me,_ Widogast," he returned cheerfully. "Are you suggesting I anticipated your visit and laid out a trap ahead of time to––what––seduce you? Ravish you? Lure you into my lair to do all sorts of diabolical things to you?" His amusement soured to a rueful scorn as he spoke, and Caleb's expression grew more and more tense with each word.

"I do not know you very well," the human replied flatly. "But...point taken."

Essek's mirth faded. "Huh," he murmured. "You actually think me capable of that, then."

"I did not say that," Caleb returned evenly. "But I have been betrayed by allies in the past, and I know that this is a precarious situation we are in. Me, being of the Empire..." He stopped as Essek leaned over the side of the chair to tuck the braces beneath it. "That...sounds like more than just accessories."

Essek shoved the braces further out of sight, no longer trying to be quiet about it. "I don't want to discuss it," he said sharply.

"Ja, okay."

The agreement was immediate. Once again, Essek found himself taken aback by the human's reaction. "Not even a little curious?" he mused. "You seemed so inquisitive, before."

Caleb was stroking the cat almost obsessively, now. "You do not wish to talk about it," he replied. "I will not pry into your secrets, as I would not want you to pry into mine."

That was surprisingly considerate. Essek leaned back in his chair and regarded the human with renewed interest. "Do you have many secrets, Caleb?" he asked.

"Don't we all?"

Essek smiled. "I suppose we do."

The two of them fell silent. The familiar began to purr, and Caleb lifted it to press his face into its fur. He inhaled deeply, seeming to take comfort from its scent, then leaned back with a deep sigh.

"Herr Shadowhand," he said. "Do you think well of the blue one?"

Essek had already started to slip into a light, meditative trance. At Caleb's question, he snapped his eyes open to look at him in confusion. "The blue what?"

"The blue one," Caleb repeated. "Jester. It seemed as though you were flirting with her when we first met. And you hugged her. It was a long hug."

"She hugged _me,"_ Essek pointed out. "I tolerated the embrace against my better judgement in order to be polite. And the flirting..." Essek paused, then shrugged. "I like flirting," he admitted shamelessly. "Nothing wrong with that."

"Then you are not interested in her?"

Essek's immediate laugh trailed of into a grimace. "Certainly not. She's not to my taste." A thought struck him, and he cast the human a sly grin. "Why do you ask? Does the hero of Xhorhas think to play matchmaker?"

Caleb didn't even have the decency to look flustered. He shook his head, his tone disinterested as he replied. "No. I simply intended to warn you that she has her eyes set upon someone else, and that you should not get your hopes up. That is all."

"I see." The potential for gossip was difficult to ignore. Essek stared at Caleb, curious about the phrasing he had used. "Does this warning come from experience?" he pressed. "A bit of lovelorn advice from someone who tried and failed to woe her himself?"

"I am not interested in Jester," Caleb replied flatly.

"The other blue one, then. The one who struggles with manners."

Caleb suddenly laughed. The response was unexpected enough that Essek caught himself flinching backwards in alarm. "Not Beau," Caleb replied through a broad smile. "Not anyone. Me and Frumpkin and my books. That is all I need." He buried his face in the cat's fur again and rubbed its flanks. As the rumbling purr intensified, Essek resettled himself thoughtfully.

"Then you're available," he said.

"No, I'm––"

"You're not seeing anyone," Essek interrupted. "And you're not interested in anyone. That makes you available." He tapped his chin, a slight smile playing over his lips. "That's good to know. I don't like feeling as though I'm the only one without a companion."

Caleb's brows rose. "You are also available, then?" His eyes were wide as he looked towards Essek––likely straining for any bit of light that might help him make out shapes in the darkness. Had Essek left the door to his quarters open, the lovely stained glass window would be letting in a colorful glow from the lights in the courtyard. It was a pity the human wasn't able to admire it. Essek was quite fond of the design.

"I am," was all he said.

"That is surprising." Caleb twisted in his chair to face Essek, his hands curling over the armrest as though he was getting ready to vault over it. "Someone like you...if you do not mind me saying so, you seem attractive enough. And you are obviously of high rank and great skill. I would expect to find you besieged by people begging your favors."

Essek shrugged. Perhaps it was the stress of the situation. Or perhaps it was backlash from the trust spell gone wrong. Either way, he didn't really mind volunteering this small bit of information about himself. "I get favors begged of me all the time," he agreed. "Some romantic. Some opportunistic." His voice lowered. "You learn to tell them apart," he said quietly. "And you learn to decline them both. I value my privacy. Secrets..." He sighed and rubbed absently at his thighs. "Secrets make relationships difficult."

There was a long silence before Caleb responded, and when he did, his voice was nearly a whisper. "That is true."

An uncomfortable tingling sensation suddenly rippled through Essek's body. He sat upright, and beamed as the tingle warmed to a pleasant hum. A quick glance at Caleb proved to find the human experiencing the same thing. Awe dawned upon his rugged features, and he immediately flicked his hands out. Balls of light shot out from them. At the same moment, the magelights in the enchanted sconces flared up as well. Essek shielded his eyes from the sudden onslaught of light, and even Caleb turned away with a pained wince. Grimacing, Essek took the opportunity to summon his robe to his grip, and laid it over his legs just as Caleb turned to squint at him.

"Twenty-three minutes and thirty-two seconds," he reported. His gaze lowered to the gleam of silver beneath Essek's chair. Essek quickly snapped his fingers to banish the braces back into storage.

"A man in tune with time," he replied. "And here I thought that was _my_ specialty."

There was a flicker of something that might have been mistaken for a smile on anyone else's face. Caleb dropped his familiar to the floor and pushed himself up. The moment his attention was diverted, Essek quickly summoned a gravity spell and levitated himself to fling his robe around his shoulders. As the fabric fell about his form to conceal his legs, an immense wave of relief washed through him. Fate had chosen not to humiliate him _too_ much, at least.

"Well," he said briskly. "I think we've had enough fun for one day. Thank you for visiting, sir Widogast. If you find any more unusual magical items, do bring them to someone else." He held out an arm and drifted towards the door to the hallway as he spoke, silently directing Caleb to get the hell out. Caleb nodded and looked around distractedly as he was ushered towards it. He glanced over his shoulder at the chair Essek had been sitting in––and then at the wooden chair set up beside it.

"Okay, ja," he mumbled. "I apologize."

"And I jest." Still smiling, Essek set his fingertips atop the door handle. "Bring them to me. I'm curious to see what other unusual items you may discover."

He started to open the door––and Caleb pressed his palm upon it to close it again. "Herr Shadowhand." His gaze, usually distant and unfocused, locked directly upon Essek's face. "You say that secrets make relationships difficult," he said slowly. "And I agree. But it goes both ways. I think...sometimes...you have to share the secrets in order for the relationship to become meaningful. My friends..." He paused to sort his own thoughts. "They...accepted me. They did not even know me. But there was a distance between us for a long time. Sharing myself with them brought us closer together. Perhaps if you found someone to share yourself with..." He trailed off and glanced away as he sought to articulate the advice he was trying to give. Essek's eyes flicked over him, and a slow smile curled over his refined features.

"My dear Caleb," he murmured. "Is that an invitation?"

Caleb snapped his attention back up. "What? No. Goodbye." He tugged the door open and stepped without hesitation into the hallway. Essek drifted after him a few paces to watch him leave, then nodded to Ylsana and returned to the antechamber. As the door clicked shut behind him, he floated past the slightly singed table, over the discarded mantle, around the displaced wooden chair, and finally into his bedroom. There, he halted, and rotated to stare at himself in the mirror. Slowly, he shrugged off the robe and let it fall to the floor. He felt naked without it. And he looked ridiculous. Years of disuse had left his legs atrophied. Even under the rich fabric of his embroidered trousers, they seemed thin and shriveled. There were supposed to be exercises to keep the muscles strong, but Essek often neglected them. He could hover, now. Why should he waste time and energy trying to strengthen a set of appendages that would never fully be healed?

He thought back to the chair he had used as a makeshift crutch. Such a short distance, yet it had exhausted him. He couldn't let that happen again. He couldn't himself wither away by ignoring so simple a thing as leg stretches.

Lips pursed, Essek drifted to his bed and settled himself upon it to begin warming up his muscles. He had a full schedule ahead of him, but he could take a moment to indulge in some self-care.

After all, what was the point of being a prodigy of dunamancy if he couldn't afford himself a bit of time?


	2. Chapter 2

**\--- Chapter 2 ---**

 

"We're running out of space for new prisoners."

Essek winced inwardly at the report. Space was something that would be difficult to attain. The city was already bulging at the seams, with citizens so desperate for land to build upon that they were braving the dangers of the Ghostlands outside the city limits. There would be an outcry if the Dynasty were to appropriate property within the city to expand the resources of the Dungeon of Penance.

He opened the ledger resting at his elbow. Before him, waiting patiently upon the silver polished surface of the enchanted mirror, the Clerk of Penance, who oversaw the day to day operations of the dungeon, watched silently as Essek thumbed through the long list of names recorded in the dungeon roster.

"Dogas Flen," Essek murmured. "The goblin caught trying to break into the Lucid Bastion. It's been seven months. Any luck?"

"No, sir. All we were able to draw from her was that she was seeking a way into the Underarches. She had a charcoal stick and some blank parchment with her; we suspect she was intending to copy one of the teleportation sigils, but we still can't confirm. She's quite mad. Most of what she says is gibberish."

"Hmm." Essek flipped another page. "And Gursen the Blind? It's nearing on three months, and I've yet to receive a report on his interrogation progress."

"He's, ah..." The Clerk of Penance cleared his throat and scratched his chin as he looked away in embarrassment. "The smell is quiet potent, Shadowhand. Even with our noses plugged, we can't get close enough to question him without retching. It makes the interrogation process...difficult."

Essek's nose wrinkled. _Wonderful._ He scanned through the next few pages, noting long term prisoners, difficult prisoners, prisoners of both high and low status. Finally, he snapped the ledger shut and laid it aside. "I'll come myself and interrogate a few tomorrow," he said briskly. "If I still can't get any information out of them...well, it may be time to thin the herd, so to speak."

"Understood, Shadowhand."

They exchanged a nod of parting, and Essek deactivated the mirror. The clerk's face vanished, replaced instead by Essek's. _Ugh,_ he looked harried. It was understandable; it had been a long day, starting with that morning's unexpected incident with the silence spell that had been detonated from an enchanted book. Essek's knee still ached from his fall, and there was a twinge in his lower back that had yet to fade. Since then, it had been meeting after meeting, with barely a few moments in between to rest.

He wasn't about to complain about it, though. People were depending upon him. And that's exactly what he wanted: to be seen as useful, irreplaceable, worthy of responsibility. He was so young, compared to his colleagues. The last thing he wanted was for them to treat him like a naive little tagalong.

He rubbed his face wearily and pushed away from the table to levitate to a standing position. There wasn't much room in the quiet confines of the circular communication office; it was meant more for small, remote meetings that could be conducted through scrying mirrors, when traveling from one locale to another proved to be too inconvenient. There were a number of such rooms throughout this building in the Firmament, but Essek preferred this one. It was tucked away in the back of a quaint little library reserved for legal records, and offered a pleasant retreat between meetings. Essek enjoyed browsing through local documentations, particularly the transcripts of disputes and their resulting judgements. It was amazing how furious people could get over the pettiest of reasons.

Essek lifted his gaze to the bookshelves embedded into the walls above him, and waved his hand to send the roster back to its place on the shelf to his left. He wasn't particularly looking forward to returning to the dungeon. Direct interrogation of incarcerated prisoners was never enjoyable. He prefer to befriend people, to glean information on a casual basis and part ways in good will. Traveling to the Dungeon of Penance was just... _depressing._ But it was a necessary evil.

No one would ever accuse him of shirking his duties.

He waved the door open and drifted into the main library. The room was silent and empty, save for two library assistants diligently organizing the shelves. Legal libraries weren't a particularly popular location for recreational readers. A pity; more people could stand to better themselves by reviewing the mistakes of their predecessors. Essek was a firm believer in learning from past mistakes.

"Excuse me, master Shadowhand."

One of the assistants approached hesitantly, ducking her head in submission as she clutched a large book to her chest. Essek paused to nod an acknowledgement at her. "Yes?" he asked.

The assistant bobbed her head again. "There's a man waiting on the bench outside of the library doors. He said he was looking for you. We confirmed that he was directed here, but I didn't know if I would be permitted to let him into the library itself––"

"His name?" Essek interrupted.

"He said his name is Caleb, sir. He's a human."

Essek had to twist his lips to keep himself from grinning like a fool. So Caleb had sought him out again, had he? _I must have impressed him greatly, for him to be seeking my advice so soon after our last meeting._ Essek rubbed the side of his nose to hide his growing smile and rotated to look down the central aisle that fed into the corridor outside of the library. Sure enough, he could see a dot of reddish brown hair poking around the corner of the open archway.

"I'll bring him to my office," he said. "Could I impose upon you to send for a pot of tea?"

"Certainly, master Shadowhand. Right away."

As the assistant hurried off, Essek took a moment to school his expression into one of neutral pleasantry and glided down the aisle to greet his guest. Caleb barely glanced at him as he approached; his neck was craned to see into the library, his blue eyes wide with wonder as he looked up, down, and sideways to take in as much as he could. His inattention afforded Essek the perfect opportunity to study him without appearing rude. Caleb was such a curious creature: a shuffling gait, shoulders slightly stooped as though he was afraid someone would chastise him for intruding, hands clenched together against his chest as his fingers fluttered with an eagerness to snatch a book and devour its contents.

_Charming._

 The shaggy waves of Caleb's hair bobbed as he finally shifted his gaze to Essek. There was a flicker of movement near his feet: the familiar was sitting nearby, diligently washing its tail. Or pretending to, at least. Its intelligent green eyes remained fixed upon Essek as it worked. Such fascinating creatures, familiars. The shapes they took were nearly impossible to tell apart from the real thing. Even their mannerisms lent credence to their facsimiles. Perhaps it was time for Essek to consider acquiring one himself.

Caleb murmured something under his breath––the same strange language from earlier that Essek didn't recognize. It didn't sound like any manner of spellcasting. Was it his native language, then?

With an inward shrug, Essek slowed to a halt at the threshold of the library. "Back so soon, sir Widogast?" he asked in a teasing tone. "That's twice in a single day. One might think you fancy me."

"You can call me 'Caleb', herr Shadowhand."

Essek smiled and slipped a hand from his robe to gesture grandly to himself. "Then you can call me 'Essek'," he returned.

"Wunderbar." Caleb was already looking past him in an effort to glean more information from what little he could see of the library's interior. When he spoke again, there was a distinct note of envy in his voice. "You have been very helpful to myself and my friends. I do not wish you to feel we are taking advantage of you."

"You aren't," Essek assured him. "Not yet, anyway. May I remind you that the Bright Queen assigned me to be your steward during your time here? It's my duty to ensure that your needs are met." Essek lowered his voice and drifted just the barest bit closer. "So tell me, Caleb," he murmured. "Do you have any... _needs?"_

"I just had a question." Caleb dragged his attention back to Essek. There was a flicker of interest in his half-lidded eyes as he fixed his gaze upon the thin, pendular quartz point dangling from Essek's left earlobe. His voice lightened. "You are not wearing your usual jewelry today."

Essek's brows arched in mild surprise. "I didn't think you paid attention to such details."

"I pay attention to many things,  I just do not care to comment on them, usually."

"And this time you did?"

Caleb lifted a finger to gesture vaguely at Essek's collar. "It is not your normal appearance. I wondered if there was meaning behind the change."

Essek twirled his fingertip along the bottom of the earing, and the faceted edges sent pinpoints of light dancing across Caleb's cheeks. "No meaning," he said lightly. "I purchased something shiny and new, and hoped that wearing it would earn me a bit of admiration." He tilted his head to offer a better look, and smirked coyly as he watched the wizard from the corner of his eye. "I'm so pleased you noticed."

"Ja. So that silence spell from this morning." Caleb pressed his palms together and frowned in concentration.  "I have a question about it."

"I certainly hope I have the answer." Essek turned and extended an arm to invite Caleb to cross the threshold. Caleb froze. His eyes widened, and his hands rubbed together as he let out a quick breath.

"Okay." Caleb strode forward, his gaze sweeping along the bookshelves as he kept pace at Essek's side. "That spell. It prevented us from using magic. It also banished spells already in effect. Would it, ah..." He winced and gave his head a sudden jerk sideways as though trying to shake something away. "Might the spell have done anything to adversely effect pre-existing enchantments?" As he spoke, his hand rose to close around a lumpy shape beneath the fabric of his shirt. Essek's gaze dropped surreptitiously. He could see the slight rise of a cord attached to the hidden object. A necklace of some sort. Interesting.

"Is the enchanted item in question currently active?" he asked.

"It is. But I am concerned that for that duration of the silence spell, it was not."

Even more interesting. What sort of enchantment might the wizard be using that disabling it for half an hour would be cause for concern? Something meant to imprison an evil entity, perhaps? No, Caleb wasn't a warlock. A protective entity, then? Or something meant to ward off scrying spells? Maybe some manner of memory enhancer? Caleb certainly had a good memory...

Essek mulled the possibilities over, then turned his thoughts towards the question itself. "That is a distinct possibility," he admitted. "But the perimeter of the palace has many protections in place to compensate for magical anomalies. If you are concerned about an outside force gaining entry through unnatural means, I assure you that someone would notice and notify me."

"Ah. Yes. Good. Very good." Caleb's hand lowered, his shoulders drooping slightly as he visibly relaxed. His response narrowed the possibilities considerably. The necklace was most likely some manner of protection against scrying, long-range magical damage, or remote identification. Essek tucked that information away as they reached the office. He opened the door, stood aside to let Caleb walk through it, and slipped in after him. Caleb paused a few steps in, immediately turning his attention to the rows of ledgers filling the shelves. Essek hid a smile at the sight. He was beginning to notice a pattern in the wizard's interests.

"You seem fascinated by our collection," he said as he pulled out one of the chairs from the table he had been sitting at earlier. "You had an interest in the Marble Tomes Conservatory, didn't you?"

"I am still working on gaining access to it. We have yet to earn enough trust."

Essek pulled away the second chair and pointedly sat down. "What do you think the Conservatory contains, that has you so curious?"

Caleb turned his face towards him. "Magic," he said simply. "History. Knowledge. I seek information on the Crawling King, currently, but anything...everything..." He rubbed his hands together again and scratched at his arm, eyes fixing intently upon the bookshelves. Essek was momentarily reminded of the suude addicts he occasionally came into contact with. Such a dangerous substance. He hoped Caleb wasn't letting himself fall victim to its dubious charms.

"Well," he replied cautiously, "I suppose you'll find what you need once you prove yourself a little more."

Caleb looked at Essek again, and an accusatory edge crept into his voice as he responded. "How much more must we prove ourselves?" he demanded. "We have crossed a continent to return to you your Beacon. We have slain giants and demons, closed portals to hellish dimensions––"

"And we thank you for your service," Essek interrupted smoothly. "They have certainly come up as topics of interest when discussing your..." he waved a hand idly, _"...activities._ Should the Bright Queen ever chose to authorize your entry, I would be pleased to grant you a personal tour of our collection."

Caleb hissed out a breath of annoyance. Both hands clapped to his hair as lifted his face to grimace at the ceiling, and as his arms rose, the folds of his coat pulled back to reveal the straps of a leather harness. Essek tilted his head to see it better. He thought he caught a glimpse of a leather-bound book on one side before Caleb dropped his arms with an exasperated huff. Essek quickly glanced away to hide his interest.

"Was there anything else you needed?" he asked politely.

"There are many things I need," Caleb muttered. "I do not think you are the man to provide them, however." He scratched at his arm again. Essek's brow arched. He certainly hoped Caleb wasn't seeking a supplier.

"A challenge," he mused. "Try me." Caleb again looked towards the books. Not a suude addict, then. Simply a bookworm. Well, there were far worse things to fixate upon. Essek let out a theatrical sigh and gestured to the empty seat still waiting to be accepted. "Do have a seat, Caleb. I'll get a crick in my neck, staring up at you." Caleb glanced at the seat and took a few reluctant steps towards it before pausing to glance back at the door. Essek's gaze dropped back to the crease in his coat. What kind of book would a wizard keep hidden so close to his body? A knowing smile curled over his lips, and Essek leaned back to fold his hands upon his lap. "I am curious about what manner of spells you've been collecting, Caleb. May I see your spell book?"

As he had expected, Caleb immediately snapped a hand to his ribs, his fingers curling defensively as he shot a wary look to Essek. "I do not have it with me."

_Oh, is_ that _the game we're going to play?_ Brows arching higher, Essek gestured casually towards him. The fabric slipped out from beneath Caleb's grip and drew away to reveal the leather harness and the spine of the book strapped to it. Caleb quickly grabbed the edge of his coat and yanked it shut.

"Ah, well––" His face flushing red, Caleb folded his arms across his chest and retreated a few steps. "This is _my_ spell book, which means it is _mine,_ and I am _very_ protective of it––"

"I'll give it back, Caleb. I promise."

Caleb's eyes narrowed. A speculative expression settled upon his face, and as the red flush drained away, he slowly lowered his arms. "Will you let me look at yours again?"

Essek chuckled at the hopeful lilt in the wizard's voice. "I'm afraid not. Some of the spells are quite classified."

"Ah. Yes." Caleb face fell, and his shoulders sagged in acceptance. A surprising thread of guilt wound its way through Essek. He almost wished he _could_ let Caleb flip through his spell book. There were a great many things within it that would no doubt fascinate him. "Your command of the Cat's Ire spell was impressive," he offered in consolation. "Did you modify it yourself?"

Caleb's expression instantly lit up. "I did. I like cats." He bent to scoop up his familiar. The cat let out a sound that was half purr, half meow, and curled its tail around Caleb's wrist as the human cuddled it to his chest. Essek couldn't hide his smile, this time.

"I gathered."

With the cat tucked under his chin, Caleb strode across the room to sit in the empty seat. "They are fascinating creatures," he said earnestly. "Did you know that cats are able to twist their bodies in order to land on their feet when they fall?" He set the cat down and gripped its flanks to wiggle the flabby skin at its sides. "They have a lose flap of skin, right here, that aids in both mobility and protection. It is called a primordial pouch, and that is why they are better than dogs. They are also very soft, and when they purr, the vibration is good for your bones. Do you like cats, Essek?" He stroked the cat's back rapidly as he leveled an intent stare at Essek, who blinked blankly as he tried to absorb the sudden onslaught of cat facts.

"I, ah, don't spend much time around them," he replied. "But they seem pleasant enough."

"This is Frumpkin. He is a very good cat. Would you like to hold him?"

Essek raised a hand to decline the offer. "I'm not accustomed to handling animals," he said. "I––oh." He cut off in dismay as Caleb leaned forward to shove the cat against his chest. Essek took hold of it gingerly and reared his head back as the cat bumped its face against the underside of his chin. He started to speak, then clamped his lips shut as Caleb opened his coat to begin unfasten the spell book.

"He likes you," Caleb said. "Petting cats is very relaxing. It is good for your health. Here. This page." He flipped the book open and set it on the table, rotating it so that Essek could see. "I went though several variations before settling on the shape. I am happy to share my notes."

Essek set the cat on the table and patted it absently as he leaned forward to study at the spell. There was a mixture of elegant script and hastily scribbled notations, accompanied by meticulously rendered glyphs. And along the margins of the page, wedged between the gaps of the notations, were several sketches of erect dicks. Essek tilted his head and lofted a brow in surprise.

"Do these illustrations represent part of the modification process?"

Caleb's brows drew together. He rotated the book again to look at the page, then scowled and snapped the book shut. "Verdammt, she did it again." He tucked the book away with an exasperated sigh. "I am sorry. Those are not part of the spell."

There was a tentative knock on the door. Essek waved it open with a quick gesture, and the library assistant poked her head in. "The tea has been delivered," she said. "Shall I bring it in?" Essek nodded, and she eased her way inside with a tray balanced between her hands. She crossed to the table, set out the teapot and two cups, then tucked the tray under her arm and bowed before leaving again. Essek waited for the door to close before reaching out to pour the tea. As he slid a cup towards Caleb, the human kept a steady gaze upon him, his eyes narrowed in sudden curiosity.

"I question your interest, herr Shadowhand."

"I thought we agreed to call me by my name?"

_"Essek."_ Caleb took the tea cup, but did not lift it to his lips. "You are a great deal more powerful than I am. I find it difficult to believe that you would be impressed by such a comparatively easy spell, given your expertise."

"It's not the spell itself that impresses me so much as the modification process," Essek replied. "Not many people can take an existing spell and rework it to create an alternate variation. That you were able to do so, limited in power though you are, is fascinating. Did someone teach you? Or was it self-guided trial and error?"

The probing question was met with a suspicious squint and a cock of the head. "Are you interrogating me?" Caleb asked

"Maybe." Essek took a slow sip of his tea, then sat back to level what he hoped was a disarming smile at the wizard. "I'm a collector of information," he added. "I like to know things. But I don't necessarily like to share the things I know." The smile took on a cooler slant. "Make no mistake, Caleb; intriguing though you may be, my loyalty will always be first and foremost to the Dynasty. Don't mistake my friendliness for a willingness to share our secrets with you."

The warning earned a sudden smile. "I understand. I would trust you less, had you suggested otherwise." Caleb set the teacup down without drinking from it. Essek followed suite, pleased by the wizard's response. He had been concerned for a moment that Caleb might be trying to manipulate him. He'd already managed to charm Essek into teaching him a couple of spells, and Essek had wondered afterwards if he had been too free with his gifts. He had yet to regret his actions, but one never knew when an act of kindness might be exploited.

_I like you, Caleb. Don't make an enemy of me._

Essek gestured to the spell book now hidden away in the harness again. "Those spells I taught you. Have you made any progress in your studies?"

Caleb bobbed his head, his expression warming at the question. "Yes, one of them. Very interesting. The other...hmm." His nose wrinkled. "Not yet. I lack the appropriate ingredient. Or, rather, the funds to acquire it."

_Ah, yes. The pearl_. Essek tapped his chin in thought, then shrugged. "Do you intend to run more errands for Professor Waccoh, then? She pays well, so I hear."

"Perhaps. We shall see."

Essek picked up the tea for another sip, and watched Caleb closely. "She greatly appreciated your help in clearing out the giants," he noted casually. "A remarkable feat, I dare say. Tell me again how you managed to defeat them? The reports were a bit vague in the details."

Caleb's gaze slid away, first to the floor and then to Frumpkin. He busied himself with scratching his nails gently down the cat's back and then smoothing the fur down. "It was a group effort," he replied evasively. "We fought them, and we defeated them, and there is not much else to say."

"It was reported that several giants had taken up residence in the mining camp, yet no bodies were left behind. How, precisely, did you dispose of them?"

"We chased them into the mountains. We killed the giants there, and there they remain."

Essek's eyes narrowed. He swept his gaze over Caleb, taking in his hunched shoulders, his mumbling voice, his averted gaze. Jaw tightening, he brought the teacup to his lips.

"I'm disappointed in you, Caleb," he murmured against the smooth rim of porcelain. "I don't care to by lied to."

"The giants were killed in the mountains. There is no lie, there."

Essek's lips pressed into a thin line. "Maybe not. But you are attempting to mislead me. A partial truth can be just as deceptive as an outright lie." He took a longer drink of the tea, draining the cup midway before setting it aside. As he levitated out of his chair, Caleb made an aborted move to stop him. His hand lifted, then fell back to his lap as he gnawed upon his lower lip. When he spoke again, his voice was curt and direct.

"The giants had been driven out of their home by evil beings––including the possessed corpses of their kin. We befriended the survivors and traveled to the mountain to clear out their home. The giants returned to it once we were finished."

Essek rotated slowly to face him again. He scrutinized Caleb's face, and his irritation at having been lied to began to fade. "That's actually more impressive than simply saying you killed them," he replied. "Why downplay your accomplishments?"

Caleb hesitated. "There was...concern. If we claimed that the giants were still alive, we risked our reward. And the giants might have been hunted down, even after leaving the mine. It seemed more beneficial to both our parties to keep our alliance––temporary though it was––a secret."

Essek stared at Caleb silently for several moments. Then, with a brisk nod, he abruptly rotated and crooked a finger over his shoulder as he drifted towards the door. "Come with me."

Caleb lurched to his feet, his chair scraping along the floor as the backs of his knees nudged against it. "Where are we going?"

"My personal quarters aren't far from here. You wanted books. I happen to _have_ books." Essek glanced over his shoulder as he floated into the library. "The Crawling King, didn't you say? A bit obscure, but I believe I have something that might interest you."

He turned forward again, and grinned at the sound of rapid footsteps shuffling after him. Books were apparently a great motivator to the wizard. Was it factual knowledge only, or did he enjoy literature? It was surprisingly difficult to find someone who was interested in discussing manufactured tales of mystery and intrigue––at least of the sort Essek preferred. He'd enjoy trading opinions on a few select titles.

"Is this a gift? Are you giving the book to me?"

Essek laughed warmly as they made their way out of the library and into the main corridor of the building. "Not at all," he replied. "I am simply letting you read it under my supervision. My books are not to leave my quarters unless I myself remove them."

"Oh. Ja, okay." Caleb seemed disappointed, but nodded his understanding. "I apologize. Sometimes it is difficult to interpret the things people say."

_Language barrier, or a social deficiency?_ Essek regarded Caleb fondly as he motioned down a side hallway. "Indeed," he said aloud. "You are a difficult man to read, Caleb. I like that. The uncertainty keeps me on my toes."

"Insomuch as that is possible."

Essek halted. He turned slowly, all humor gone from his voice as he responded. "What do you mean by that?"

Caleb blinked at Essek owlishly. "I mean nothing."

The cat looped around his neck flicked its tail and fixed its wide-eyed stare upon Essek. Essek stared back. His jaw clenched, and his muscles began to grow tense. _The familiar._ It had still been in the room when the silence spell had taken effect. Had its fey nature had made it immune to the spell? Would Caleb still have been able to feel a connection to it? Would he have been able to see through its eyes? _Could cats see in the dark?_

Heat rose steadily to Essek's ears, his stomach twisting as his heart began to pound. Caleb might have seen everything. He might have seen Essek's undignified efforts to drag himself to the table. He might have seen him limping along using a chair seat as a crutch. He might have seen––

He swung around and drifted swiftly in the opposite direction. "It's growing late," he said sharply. "You should return home."

Taken aback by the sudden change in plans, Caleb trailed after him. "Have I offended you, Essek?"

"Not at all. I simply have other duties to attend to. We'll look at books another time."

Essek continued onwards. He heard Caleb shuffle around for a moment, then trot to catch up. For a few minutes they kept pace in silence, until Caleb suddenly spoke again.

"Why hide it?"

"Hide what?"

"You know what."

"I'm quite sure I don't."

"You still do not wish to speak of it?"

_"Caleb."_ Essek turned to regard Caleb with forced smile of swiftly diminishing patience. "As I've already told you, I value my privacy. You assured me that you were not one to pry. Whatever you're suggesting––whatever you're _assuming_ ––please keep it to yourself."

He turned again and continued down the corridor. The hall widened as they neared the exit; already the muted green lights of the lanterns outside could be seen illuminating the tall arches of the building's entrance. Caleb's footfalls echoed down the empty hallway, each solid thump seeming to stab accusingly into Essek's chest. _How typical._ Essek had allowed himself to grow too comfortable. He should have wiped Caleb's memory that morning––but _no,_ he had been so certain that Caleb would be blind in the darkness, so confident that he had gotten away with his ruse.

A full day had already passed. Would Caleb have said anything to anyone? He seemed to be a reserved individual, but given the exuberant outbursts of his friends––

"I did something."

Essek turned his face the barest amount towards Caleb. They were nearly at the exit. Just a little further...

"Long ago," Caleb continued. "I burned people alive. People I cared about. Now they are dead."

Essek slowed and stopped. He turned to give Caleb his full attention. He was still on guard, but there was something captivating about the wizard's expression; drawn shut with both guilt and anger, bleak and haggard for all its youth. Essek's gaze skipped over him quickly. He didn't sense any deception this time, but the confession made no sense. Why was Caleb admitting to murder?

"Fire comes easily to me," Caleb said quietly. "It protects me. And if someone attacks me, I will not hesitate to burn them as well. But sometimes..." He drew in a breath, his eyes scrunching tightly at his own memories. "Sometimes when I hear their screams and see their faces twisted in horror and agony...I remember what I did long ago. I stop being able to see. I stop being able to think. All I hear is the screams of the dying." He rubbed his face and sighed again, then turned an intent look to Essek. "The guilt of knowing that it was because of me...it can be debilitating." He swallowed, then shook his head. "This is a great secret of mine. I volunteer it to you, knowing full well that it could be used against me. I trust you, Essek. I would like for you to trust me."

_Ah. So that's why._

Essek stared silently at Caleb, then began to drift towards the exit again. A quick flick of his fingers and a murmured spell to detect life energy assured him that they were alone, and midway to the archway, he stopped to face Caleb again.

"Pride," he said. Caleb's brows furrowed, and Essek clarified. "You asked why I hide it. It's because I'm prideful. I want to be thought well of. And I care very much about my appearance. I don't wish to be viewed as something less than what I am."

Caleb slid his familiar off of his shoulders and set it gently upon the floor. "You are a prodigy of dunamancy," he pointed out. "You stand beside the Bright Queen. No one will think less of you."

A quick, rueful grin jumped to Essek's lips. "Ah, but you are wrong in that, Caleb. There are many who would think me weak and exploitable. They would judge me first upon what I can't do, and conveniently forget everything I _can_ do."

Caleb thought the answer over, then slowly shook his head in disagreement. "With all due respect, herr Shadowhand, that is a bull's shit. People will always be judging you and criticizing you and trying to take advantage of you. The kind of people who would such a thing will be the first to look for weaknesses to exploit, even without the excuse of an infirmity."

Anger surged back into Essek. "I have _never_ used my infirmity as an excuse," he hissed.

"Maybe not," Caleb said calmly, "but you are certainly not doing yourself a favor by relying on magic to compensate for your shortcomings. We saw the folly of that this morning. We were defenseless. That is not a good position to be in." Caleb patted his hip. "That is why I carry a dagger. Magic helps me do great things, but without it...I am nothing."

The anger drained away. Essek took a deep breath to compose himself, and nodded in grudging agreement. "Perhaps I depend upon my magic a bit more than I should," he admitted. "But there's no help for it. I have few alternatives at my disposal."

"My friends. Jester and Mr. Clay. They are clerics––"

Essek laughed. "I've seen more healers than I care to count," he returned. "None of them were able to help me." He shrugged. "I've come terms with my injury. It is the will of the Luxon: a lesson for me to learn from, that I may grow closer to perfection upon my rebirth."

"You are good enough as you are."

Once again, Essek's good humor was swallowed by a wave of anger. This time, he bit it back. Caleb was only human. He wouldn't understand. "I know you meant that as a compliment," he said tightly, "so I won't take offense."

"Why would you be offended?"

Essek clasped his hands together to keep himself from clenching his fingers. "My entire system of belief is based on the understanding that with each rebirth, I will be a more complete person," he replied with forced politeness. "By saying I'm already good enough, you're implying that I never be better than what I already am. You're telling me to give up on my quest to attain the blessed perfection of an umavi, and to settle instead for a flawed and meaningless existence. Telling me I'm _good enough_ trivializes my beliefs and disregards all the sacrifices I've made to become the person I am at this very moment. For someone who has been consecuted, there is no greater insult."

"...Oh." Caleb's face flushed slightly. "I apologize."

"We all make mistakes." Essek looked about. His spell was sill active, and no new life signatures were approaching. They were alone. He looked back to Caleb. Here, not far from the archways of the building's entrance, the lantern lights were enough to cast a greenish glow upon Caleb's pale skin. His eyes, so clear and blue, gleamed like magelights. He was a little rough around the edges, but there was a certain charm to his features that couldn't be denied. Essek relaxed as the last of his annoyance faded away. He could still see the awed expression on the human's face as he had walked past the library's stacks. Caleb wasn't a bad person; merely a strange one. He had much to learn in his short lifetime. "Both of us are only at the start of our journeys," Essek murmured more kindly. "If the Bright Queen deems you worthy of it, you may be consecuted as well. I would enjoy meeting you again in our next lives––perhaps with less... _restrictive_ circumstances."

He laid a hand delicately upon Caleb's shoulder. Caleb shrugged the touch away and stepped backwards. The rejection stung; Essek certainly hadn't expected the human to tear off his clothes and leap into his arms, but he had thought their relationship had grown amiable enough to at least earn a chuckle at the playful teasing. Sighing, Essek let his hand fall back to his side. Lesson learned: Caleb did not appreciate physical contact. "Thank you, Caleb," Essek said in a more formal tone, "for not making light of my condition."

"I would not do that."

Essek smiled. "I believe you."

Caleb's gaze dropped curiously to the bottom of Essek's robes. "What precisely is the problem?" he wondered, and Essek curled his lip in self-directed scorn.

"It's––" He stopped. His eyes narrowed in sudden suspicion. "...What do you _think_ the problem is?"

Caleb shrugged. "A broken femur, I assume. It sounded as though you were having difficulty walking. I saw what looked to be some sort of support device bent in the manner of a leg. That is why you float instead of walk, is it not? To make it easier during recovery?"

Essek stared at him––and laughter burst from his lips, loud enough to echo down the corridor and make Caleb flinch. "You surprise me again, Caleb," Essek said through a grin. "How do you do that? With just a grain of information, you managed to convince me to discuss one of my most private secrets. And yet it turns out you knew nothing after all."

Caleb's brows were a straight line pressed down upon widened eyes. "Now I am completely confused," he said. "What were we talking about?" Essek's chuckles died away. He shook his head and held out an arm to indicate the archway.

"I think you can find your own way from here. Good night, Caleb. It was a pleasure to speak with you." Still confused, Caleb started to walk past him. At the last moment, Essek angled his arm to block him. "Wait." As Caleb paused, Essek waved his hand to summon a small wooden box into his palm. He lifted its lid, then plucked a single white pearl from its confines. "For your studies," he said as he held it out.

Caleb looked at the pearl. His fingers rubbed together, and a conflicted expression danced over his features before he finally accepted the gift. "This is very generous of you."

"I can be _very_ generous to those who earn my favor." Essek lowered his voice to an inviting murmur. "I hope you'll remember that." He banished the box and held out his hand expectantly. Caleb frowned at it, started to reach for his pocket, then paused and reached out instead.

"Handshake?" he questioned. Essek nodded patiently, and Caleb slipped his fingers along his palm. Grinning, Essek curled his grip around the human's hand. Warm, strong, dry. Not exactly smooth, but the grip was hard and firm. A touch like this was a confident one; a handshake of respect between peers, rather than one of a student yielding to an authority. Essek got the distinct impression that despite Caleb's seemingly passive demeanor, he was not one to underestimate.

_How far can I push my luck?_

Slowly, his eyes locked upon Caleb's, Essek lifted the human's hand and bowed over it just long enough to brush his lips along the scarred knuckles. A faint flinch jerked down Caleb's arm, but he did not pull away. Pleased, Essek released his hand and straightened. "I look forward to seeing you again, Caleb Widogast. Perhaps one night I'll stop by for a visit."

Caleb nodded mutely. He cupped his hand to his abdomen and rubbed his knuckles anxiously. The familiar meowed at his feet, and he quickly bent to collect it. "Ja, okay. Goodbye." He started past Essek again, then stopped and backtracked. "Thank you," he added.

He hurried away.

Essek waited for several minutes to give Caleb enough time to put distance between them. Once he heard the faint bell of one of the library assistants announcing the closing hour of the library, he drifted down the marble steps and glided along the decorative stone pathway that fed into one of the main roads of the Firmaments. The impromptu meeting with Caleb could have gone a little better, but it had certainly given Essek a great deal to think about––particularly in regards to his approach to the human. What was the best way to proceed? Should Essek continue to present himself as a friend? Or would it be better to maintain the distance of a superior? He was a Shadowhand, after all, and the Mighty Nein were a band of disorganized mercenaries who had somehow managed to stumble into Rosona without getting skewered and find favor with the Bright Queen. They were an absolute mess. Essek didn't know how long their good fortune would hold out, but he certainly didn't want to get dragged down with them once it did.

Then again, befriending them could aid in warding off such an unfortunate fate.

He ran a hand through his hair, then patted absently at it to guide it back into its carefully sculpted coif. Too many thoughts for the moment. He was ready to retire. A few hours of meditation followed by some much-needed exercise, a hot bath to ease his muscles, and after that...perhaps a glass of wine and some personal time to help himself unwind.

The memory of Caleb's fingers closing around his own flitted to the forefront of Essek's mind. They weren't the elegant, well-manicured fingers of most magic users Essek had come in contact with. Strong, clever, practical––yet gentle, all the same. They were the hands of someone used to hard work and sacrifice––deceptively plain, for all the wonders they could wield.

_I'd very much enjoy watching him wield his wonders..._

The thought was a sudden one, unbidden and unexpected. Essek paused in the center of the pathway, startled by his own bold desires. He had been flirting with Caleb, certainly. It had been harmless. Meaningless. At least, that's what he had meant it to be. The lack of reaction to his teasing had been surprisingly disappointing. Was it possible that Essek had been hoping for reciprocation? Was he actually attracted to the wizard?

_...Yes. I most decidedly am._

Essek bit lightly upon is lower lip and smiled as he imagined those strong hands running along his neck. There were possibilities, there. Many, many possibilities. Chuckling to himself, Essek continued onwards towards home and rest.

Perhaps he'd indulge in the wine and 'personal time' first.


	3. Chapter 3

**\--- Chapter 3 ---**

 

Caleb didn't return over the course of the following week. Essek hadn't really expected him to; daily unannounced visits would quickly grow tiring, and would interrupt Essek's usual duties. Still, he couldn't help but to look up every time an attendant approached, fully expecting to be informed of a visitor. Each time, he found himself disappointed. He had enjoyed the wizard's company. Caleb's face was increasingly rising unbidden into Essek's mind, and Essek often wondered what he was doing at any given moment.

It was becoming a distraction.

The moment he had the time to do so, Essek left the Lucid Bastion behind to make his way over to the home that had been gifted to the Mighty Nein. He had no plan in mind as he approached the house; indeed, his intentions flitted back and forth with each street that brought him closer to his destination. _A short, polite visit. Don't enter the house. No, enter and stay for a while. Single out Caleb. Pointedly talk to everyone else so Caleb_ won't _feel singled out._

Each option was equally nerve-racking. With his newly discovered attraction to the wizard, Essek was devolving into the awkward fumbling of his youth, when each prospective relationship carried with it the potential for humiliation and heartbreak. Essek didn't know if Caleb was the sort of person who would reciprocate a romantic overture. Was it even worth trying?

_What are my intentions?_ he thought for the hundredth time since he had set out. _My primary goal is to see Caleb, certainly. There's no mistaking that. But then what? Should I reveal my interest in him? Keep it a secret? Hint at it and hope he responds favorably? No, no, don't be a fool. He's not going to respond. He's not even going to notice. Or will he? Didn't he say he chooses not to comment on the things he notices? What if he already knows, and is simply trying to be polite by pretending he doesn't? Ugh, this is ridiculous. One would think after two hundred years, I'd be more comfortable about approaching a potential lover..._

His hands clenched around the wide ceramic jar held between his hands. It was black and purple, the speckled glaze so smooth that it slipped a little between his palms. A gift for Caleb. No, a gift to everyone. No one would like it. Maybe they'd want more.

Essek wanted to chuck it as hard as he could down the street and flit back home.

With a deep breath, he turned the corner that led into the final street. There, he paused to look up at the giant tree that had been erected by the Mighty Nein. He had been able to see it at a distance, of course. He doubted that there was anyone in the Firmaments who didn't have at least a glimmer of its lights peeking through their windows. This close, however, it was lovely. And blasphemous. Sunlight, both painful and holy, had been summoned into the darkness of Rosona––not for ritual worship, but to be trapped in tiny jars to decorate an unnatural tree. Essek still wasn't sure how he felt about it. He wanted to stare in awe at the lights, yet at the same time, he wanted to avert his gaze out of respect for the Luxon.

Another breath.

He drifted reluctantly down the street until he stood before the doorway of the Mighty Nein's home. He had been pleased to present them with the abandoned structure, but had visited only once after transferring it into their care. They had seemed friendly enough. Inviting. _Too_ inviting, actually. Essek had initially been wary of how eager they had been to coax him inside, but his suspicions had thankfully been unfounded.

This would be fine. Of _course_ it would be fine. He would _make_ it be fine.

Tucking the jar protectively under one arm, he glided up to the door and gave the wood a sharp knock. There were some muted noises within; a few thumps and scuffles followed by a muffled voice calling out from somewhere in the back. Essek took a moment to prod gently at the side of his hair to make sure it hadn't been mussed on the way over, then quickly straightened as the door swung open. There was a cheerful ringing of chimes above it, contrasting starkly to the dour expression of the human who answered the door. Beau looked him over in surprise, her face lightening in the manner of a warrior eager for a fight.

"Hey!" she exclaimed. "Essek! You came back!"

"I've brought you a housewarming gift." Essek lifted the jar, but didn't hold it out. "It's bit late, I know, but I wanted to let you settle in before dropping by unannounced. Is Caleb available?"

"Yeah, sure." Still blocking the doorway, Beau twisted to shout over her shoulder. "CALEB! CALEB, WAKE UP, WE'VE GOT COMPANY!"

Essek rolled a shoulder to shake off a wave of self-directed annoyance. He should have waited until later in the morning to visit. _Oh, well. Too late now._ With a polite nod, he tilted his head to look over Beau's shoulder. "May I come in?"

Beau quickly stepped back and held the door open wider. "Oh, shit! Yeah, come in! Wait–– CALEB! THE COMPANY ISN'T EVIL, IT'S THE GOOD KIND!"

Essek chuckled as he drifted into the house. "Thank you for clarifying that."

"Yeah, well, figured you didn't want to be greeted with a fireball to the face." Beau waved a hand to indicate the large entry room. "Sorry for the mess. We're still moving things around, you know, making it our own."

Essek looked around. There wasn't much in the way of furniture, yet, but it looked as though time had been spent cleaning and dusting. On the few small tables pressed against the wall, items had already accumulated. Odds and ends, knick-knacks. Nothing of immediate interest. Essek's gaze shifted to the bright splotches of color dotting the walls instead. A few canvas paintings now decorated the faded wood. In one location, the wood had itself been used as a canvas.

"Understandable," he murmured as he paused before the rendering of an ocean scene. "You have...interesting tastes in decor."

"You like that, huh?" Muscular arms crossing over her chest, Beau stood beside Essek to admire the image. "Jester painted it."

"She is quite talented." Essek gestured to the thin curl of what looked to be a distant coast line. "I assume these depict images from the Empire?"

Beau shrugged. "Some, yeah. We've been all over the place. We were even pirates for a while! Look, here's our ship." She pointed to a large ship painted prominently upon the rolling waves, then to the coastline. "This is the Menagerie Coast. Nicodranas."

"I've never been to the ocean. I'd like to see it, one day." Essek bent closer to the image as he noticed a few odd shapes poking out of the waves near the boat. They looked to be some kind of large fish. Tapping his finger against one, he glanced at Beau. "What manner of creature is this?"

"That? It's a dolphin." Beau paused, then squinted and leaned closer for a better look. "No, wait. It's a dick. Yeah. Sorry. Jester draws a lot of those."

From across the room, the teifling in question poked her head out from an open door and waved her hand excitedly. "Hi, Essek!" she sang out. "I'm _really good_ at painting dicks. Would you like me to paint yours?"

"I––uh––no?"

Oblivious to Essek's sudden discomfort, Jester bounded into the room to join them. "Okay, but if you change you mind, let me know. I can also give you a tattoo. But not on your dick. That would be really hard."

Beau burst into laughter and slapped Jester on the back. "Ha! Hard! I get it!"

"Ohmygosh, you're right! I wasn't even thinking about that!"

"Yo, Essek." Beau knocked her knuckles against Essek's arm as he retreated a little. "You wanna drink?"

"No, thank you."

"You still mad about the last one? 'Cuz we changed the name of it. We call it a 'moonlit drow,' now. Is that better?" Beau advanced and flapped her hands aggressively between her body and his. "Work with me, here, I'm tying to fix things."

Essek retreated a little further. "That sounds fine," he assured her. "Maybe later."

Heavy footsteps clomped down the stairs, and Fjord ducked down to check the room before straightening and waving a casual greeting. "Mornin' Mr. Thelyss," he said as he reached the bottom step. "You're here bright an' early."

"He brought us a housewarming present," Beau said, and Jester immediately closed the distance between herself and Essek to stare at the jar.

"What is it, what is it, let me see!"

"This is––"

"Ooh, that's a pretty jar! It'll look great in the happy room!"

"Ah––" Essek smiled to mask his internal screaming and offered a slight bow. "Well, the gift is actually _inside_ the jar, but you may certainly have both." He lifted the jar and plucked off its lid as Fjorn, Jester, and Beau all leaned closer to see. As the lid lifted, four hairy, spindly legs curled over the rim and contracted to allow a large spider to crawl halfway out. Jester cooed in delight, and both Beau and Fjorn jerked back. Fjorn especially seemed startled by the gift. He danced backwards with his hands raised and shook his head empathically.

"Nope!" he said. "Nu-uh!"

Confused by the unexpected reaction, Essek dipped his hand beneath the curious spider and lifted it from the jar. As it crawled along his fingers, a second spider peeked out, but did not emerge from its confines. "These are dunari tarantulas," Essek explained. "All homes should have them. They keep the house clear of pests. Insects, rats, mice..." He held the spider out. Jester tentatively poked it, but both Fjorn and Beau backpedaled further. Beau halted to take up a defensive stance. Fjorn kept going until he finally turned and left the room with a quick wave. Brows furrowed, Essek let the spider crawl onto Jester's open palm. "Have you already acquired some?"

"You're asking if we went out and bought some creepy-ass spiders?" Beau asked from a safe distance. "No. That didn't happen."

_So you can slay giants and cut down demons, but spiders are too scary?_ Essek huffed out a soft laugh and held out the jar as Jester made a motion to tuck the sider away. "They are docile enough if you leave them be. I've brought a male and a female. Once they reproduce, you'll have enough to tend to the entire home. You can harvest them for food when they become too plentiful. They're quite tasty when roasted with a bit of salt." He replaced the lid and swept the jar from Jester to Beau, challenging her with a patient smile to take it. Jaw set, Beau strode forward and snatched it from his hands.

"I'll, uh...put them in the kitchen." As Beau spoke, movement behind her caught Essek's attention. He lifted his gaze to observe Caleb wander into the room from a door in the corner, and Beau turned to lift her chin in greeting. "Hey, Caleb. Essek's here to see you. He gave us some bugs."

"Spiders," Essek corrected.

Caleb nodded as he wandered closer. "Ah. Good. Yasha loves spider meat."

"But––"

"Would you excuse us, please?" Caleb turned expectantly to Beau and Jester. The two women looked at him, then at Essek, then each other. Broad grins stretched across both of the faces.

"Oh, so you want to be _alone,_ huh?" Beau drawled. "Sure, we can leave you _alone._ Hey, Jester, come on. They want to be _alone."_

_"Ooooh,_ do you want some privacy?" Jester cooed. "Special privacy for your special lessons?" She pressed her palm to her cheeks and began making smooching sounds. Essek looked back towards the exit. This was not the way he had expected this visit to play out.

"Perhaps I should come back another time," he started, and Caleb chopped a hand in the air to negate the suggestion.

"Ach, just come to my library. We will close the door." He beckoned impatiently and shuffled off towards the corner of the room without waiting to see if he would be followed. With Jester and Beau snickering in the background, Essek glided after him. "I apologize for my friends," Caleb said quietly. "Sometimes it is best to ignore them."

"It's quite all right. I find their enthusiasm refreshing." Essek arched a brow in mild amusement. "Most of my den spend their time cultivating a rather bland sense of decorum and refinement. It grows tedious. "

"You seem to be of better humor than most drow we've met."

"Yes, well..." Essek made a face. "There are some who would view that as a flaw."

"Not at all. It is, as you say, refreshing." Caleb pushed open the door to the back room. Inside, the chamber had been arranged to contain a set of near-empty bookshelves, a simple round table, and a longer rectangular table covered in alchemical equipment and supplies. Standing on a chair beside that table was Nott, shuffling items around and grumbling under her breath. Essek's gaze dropped to a splash of color beside the chair. A puddle of oozing green liquid was slowly eating away the wood of the floor. Essek quickly flicked his hand out, and the foaming mess vanished to leave behind a dark stain. Nott looked down in surprise, then turned her attention towards him. Her mouth split in a crooked smile, her jagged teeth gleaming in the light of a single lantern.

"Oh, hello! I didn't know we had company."

"What happened here?" Caleb gestured to the floor, and Nott snatched a scrap of paper from the table before hopping off the chair.

"I dropped vial of acid. I need more practice." She waved the paper over her head. "I was just about to go shopping for ingredients with Yezza. Do you need me to get you anything? Are you good with paper? Incense?"

"I am fine. Thank you."

Nott followed Caleb as he dragged a chair from the alchemy table to the smaller round table. "Did you remember to stock up on that special ink?" she asked.

"I did, Nott. Thank you."

"Okay. Uhhhm..." She looked over to Essek, her face scrunched up uncertainly. Essek offered a polite nod.

"I do not need anything, thank you."

Nott's bushy brows drew together. "What? Oh, right. Okay." She turned to Caleb, and her scratchy voice dropped to a whisper. She wasn't as quiet as she thought; Essek could still hear her as she drew Caleb aside. "Are you okay? Do you need me to stay a while?"

"I am fine, Nott," Caleb replied softly. "Enjoy your shopping."

"Okay..." Nott pulled back, then crossed the floor to peer up at Essek. There was a moment of suspicion on her face, then a sudden grin of approval. "It was nice of you to teach Caleb those two spells," she told him. "He's so happy to have a new friend."

"Is he?" Essek looked at Caleb again. The wizard was now in the corner, crouched down to scratch the ears of his familiar. Essek lowered his voice and inclined to get closer to Nott. "How can you tell?"

"Uhm... " Nott looked uncertainly over her shoulder, then shook her head. "It's hard to explain. You just have to get used to him."

Essek nodded and straightened. _Good._ He wasn't the only one to have difficulties, then.

Nott scuttled away and slammed the door behind herself. A heavy silence fell upon the room. Essek folded his hands beneath his robes, his fingers rubbing absently together as he glanced back at Caleb. The wizard was just hefting his familiar into his arms and rising again. As he turned around, he regarded Essek with an unreadable expression.

"So why have you come here, Essek? Was this a casual visit, or did you have something you wished to discuss?"

"Just a casual visit. I hope you don't mind."

Another silence. Essek glanced again at the mostly empty bookshelves, and Caleb followed his gaze with a faint, mirthless smile. "Ah. Yes. I have not had a chance to fill those yet. I hope to change that, soon."

_Well, that's a good enough opening for me._ Essek slipped his hand to his belt and unhooked the thin leather strap hanging from it. The strap had been tied around the hard edges of a single book; Essek unwound it, then thrust the book out from the folds of robe. "Then I'm glad I brought this."

Caleb's attention dropped to fix upon the title: _A dissertation on the Lore and History of the Betrayer Gods._ His expression brightened, and he dropped the cat to take the book from Essek's hands. _"Ah!"_ he exclaimed eagerly. "Does this detail true recorded history? First-hand accounts, I mean? Or is it just speculation?"

"A bit of both." Pleased by Caleb's reaction, Essek cast him a winning smile. "Consider it a gift. I have no use for it."

"Ja, good, excellent. Thank you." Caleb was already turning away, the book open as he began to scan the pages. With the wizard successfully distracted, Essek took the opportunity to drift closer the one bookshelf that had any books on it. There were five to chose from; Essek didn't recognize their titles, but one in particular caught his eye. He picked it up, his brows knitting together as he read the cover: _Courting of the Crick._

_....I'm conflicted._

"Oh, uh..."

Essek turned. Caleb was looking at the book Essek was holding, his cheeks flushing dark as he raised a hand in belated warning. "Yes. That book. Uh." He rubbed the side of his face in clear embarrassment. "I did not chose the title, of course, and I am aware that it is perhaps not the best wordage, particularly given our current location...however it provides a great deal of information regarding Xhorhasian politics and culture. I do not know if it is accurate," he added, "but it was interesting to read, nevertheless. I did try to get rid of it at one point, but Jester kindly returned it to me." He trailed off uncomfortably. Essek set the book back on the shelf.

"I would suggest not keeping this out where other visitors might see it."

"That is good advice." 

Caleb closed his new book and gripped it tightly to his chest. Sighing, Essek glanced back at the other titles. _The Salty Sea. Annotations on the Corruption of Greenery.  The Care and Preparation of Fungi for Food. Tusk Love._ Interesting. One was obviously a cook book. Another appeared to be a field journal. The other two suggested romantic tales. Essek hummed under his breath and turned back to Caleb. "Well. Racial slurs aside, I'm surprised you have an interest in our courtship rituals. I would be pleased to instruct you, if you have any questions."

Caleb shook his head. "That is not necessary."

From behind the closed door, Jester's muffled voice suddenly rang out. "Yes it is! He needs so much help!"

"The books do nothing!" came Beau's voice immediately after. "He's completely clueless!"

Caleb dropped his book on the table. Face darkening, he stalked across the room and threw the door open. "Ja, okay, that's enough––"

Jester poked her head over his shoulder to beam at Essek. "He said he likes to learn things while being titillated," she reported. "Those were his exact words!"

"Jester––"

_"Stop teasing Caleb!"_ Nott shouted from across the room. "His kinky sex fantasies are his own business! _Shoo! Shoo!"_ Essek caught a glimpse of Nott running over to swat at the two woman. Jester danced away with a ringing laugh, Beau cackling gleefully at her side.

Caleb shut the door and locked it.

"Frumpkin." He looked over his shoulder to the familiar. "Stand outside and keep watch. Tell me if anyone tries to eavesdrop again." He snapped his fingers twice. The cat disappeared, presumably to follow his instructions. The moment the cat was gone, Caleb rubbed his face and chanced a glance at Essek. "Uh...."

"You needn't say anything. I understand."

A pained look crossed over Caleb's face. "Do you really?"

Essek hesitated. He looked back at the door, where he could still hear muffled voices talking in the other room. "...Not really," he admitted, "but I won't judge you for...whatever _that_ was."

"I would appreciate that." Caleb returned to the table to collect the book. "Thank you for this. I will read it later."

"We could read it together."

Caleb ignored the offer. Or perhaps he simply didn't hear it. He had opened the book again, and was muttering to himself as he flipped pages. Essek drifted closer and raised his voice.  

"I'm curious, Caleb. Is there a particular reason why you were interested in the subject?"

Caleb's head jerked up. He blinked at Essek, then quickly snapped the book shut and shoved it onto the shelf. "Ah...no, not particularly. The name has come up a few times. I know very little about it. I wanted to change that."

_Really. The Crawling King just_ happened _to pop up in casual conversation. I find that unlikely._ Essek narrowed his eyes and tilted his head as he watched the wizard straighten the other books on the shelf. The motions were stilted in the manner of someone trying too hard to appear disinterested in a conversation. That was _very_ interesting. _Worth pressing a little harder, I think._ "Where have you been hearing his name?" Essek asked. He let his voice take on a harder tone as he hovered just behind Caleb's shoulder. Close proximity generally had the effect of intimidating people; for Caleb, skittish as he seemed to be, the pressure of his presence would definitely put him on notice that Essek was expecting an honest response. _Don't lie to me again, Caleb. I don't like being lied to._

Caleb shrugged, still not making eye contact. "Jester heard it somewhere. She was asking me to tell her stories. She thinks very highly of my intelligence."

Essek scrutinized him closely. The response didn't strike him as outright deception, but there was still something evasive about it. _Very well,_ he thought. _I'll let the matter drop for now. But don't expect me to forget about it._ Essek drew away, and he heard a barely audible sigh of relief breathe out of the wizard. "As well she should," he replied. "You are a remarkable individual. I wouldn't have shared my spells with you, otherwise." He waved his hand, and the chair that Nott had been using as a stepstool swept across the floor to take its place across from the one Caleb had dragged to the circular table. Caleb seemed to understand the silent implication. He pulled his own chair back and sat down. With a soft chuckle, Essek drifted past him to take note of everything laid out on the alchemy table. "Do you have plans for them?" he asked idly. "Dunamancy is a very particular type of magic. I'm curious as to your intent."

"My intent." Caleb folded his hands and rested his elbows upon the table to rest his chin upon his knuckles. "I have no plans for these, specifically," he said as he watched Essek pick through the jars of ingredients. "But what they represent..." He sighed. "I have made a great many mistakes in my life. Something like this could prevent me from repeating them."

Essek glanced over his shoulder in approval. "An admirable goal," he murmured. "One should always strive to learn from their mistakes. It's what makes us better people." He turned and drifted closer to the table, his palms pressed together before his robe as he leveled a sly smile at the wizard. "Attaining personal growth has become a great passion of mine," he added coyly. "I suspect watching _you_ attain growth would be...equally stimulating."

Caleb nodded absently, not reacting in the slightest to Essek's suggestive words. Was he really that oblivious? Beau and Jester were right. Caleb really _did_ need help with the intricacies of courtship.

_Is that what I want?_ Essek wondered. _Is that why I came here? I wasn't joking when I told Caleb that secrets make relationships difficult. Certain secrets, especially, can be a great barrier. If I truly intend to pursue any manner of amorous advances with this man, I will eventually need to admit to my flaws. I can't simply surprise him once we're ready to grow intimate––assuming I get that far. But telling him before we've even begun might dissuade him from giving me a chance. If he were to reject me sorely for my infirmity..._

Essek closed his eyes and drew in a slow breath. _No gain without risk._

"Caleb." Essek drifted up to the open chair and let his fingers trail along the curved edge of its back. "I have been thinking about our earlier conversations. We spoke of keeping secrets. Of trusting people and building relationships."

"That is true." Caleb was rolling something between his fingers. A small white bead. No, a pearl. Out of habit, Essek readied a dispel magic spell as he chose his next words carefully. "The Dynasty has already placed a great deal of trust in your group. We are still on guard, but the return of our Beacon spoke very well of what kind of people you are."

Caleb's brows rose. He sat back in his chair and dropped his hands to his lap, his expression both wary and curious. "And what kind of people are we?"

"Strange." Essek grinned, and earned a faint smile in return. "Unpredictable. You make no sense, but your hearts are good. I feel I can trust you."

Slowly, his eyes fixed intently upon Caleb's, Essek unfastened the clasp at the collar of his robe. He had worn no mantle, today, choosing instead the robe with the high-necked collar that flared out over his shoulders. Acutely aware of a sudden alertness in Caleb's demeanor, he pulled the robe apart and shrugged it off to fold it over his arm. A cold rush of air brushed against him as the protective barrier he had grown to rely upon abruptly vanished. Breath held tightly in his lungs, he circled the chair and sat down. One of his legs bent outwards as he settled himself; Essek took his thigh, lifted it, and set it down in the appropriate position. He glanced away for a moment to set down his folded robe, then lifted his head to lock his gaze upon Caleb's. Chin lifting in defiance of the moment, he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back, silently challenging Caleb to say anything.

Caleb's eyes fell to his knees. They skimmed over Essek's legs, settled momentarily on his feet, then slowly drifted back up until he met Essek's gaze again. "Ah," he said simply, and lifted the pearl he had been fidgeting with. "So may I demonstrate my technique, now?"

_...That's it?_

Taken aback by the lack of reaction, Essek only stared at the wizard. A slow smile curled over his lips, and he set his elbow upon the table to rest his cheek upon his knuckles. He waved his free hand in a graceful gesture and lofted his brows in silent appreciation. "Please do."

Caleb held out the pearl and flicked his fingers over it in an intricate pattern. The motions were loose, Essek noticed, and he wasn't surprised when the spark of magic that rose from the pearl emitted only a dull glow. He said nothing as it bobbed lazily towards him, and accepted the mote as it glided into his chest. He closed his eyes and smiled at the familiar sensation. It was like a drop of water falling upon hot skin; cool and fluidic, leaving behind a faint tingle and a moment of relief. With a soft hum of acknowledgment, he dispelled it.

"Good start," he said. "One note: when tugging upon the threads of fate, the knots must be pulled tight, lest they unravel. You can strengthen this spell by tightening your gestures in the same manner. Draw the corners into a sharp point when you make directional changes in tracing the glyph. Try it again."

Caleb lifted the pearl and recast the spell. This time, the mote that sparked from the pearl was bright and energetic. It shot directly into Essek, and the cool raindrop became a shower that scattered through his body. Essek grinned and nodded again. "Well done," he murmured. "You learn quickly."

"I do." There was a faint smile tugging at the corner of Caleb's lips as he tucked the pearl away. "I am always eager to learn new things, Essek."

Essek's smile widened. "Is that a subtle hint?"

"Not so subtle. I am grateful for what you have taught me. It is fascinating."

"Indeed." Essek rose and draped his robe around his shoulders. The front folds sealed together as they settled around his form, and Essek took a moment to adjust the embroidered collar. "Well, then," he said. "I don't wish to overstay my welcome."

"Are you certain?" Caleb rose and snapped his fingers. Frumpkin popped into existence on the table, and he picked the cat up to drape it over his shoulders. "I could give you a tour. We call this Xhorhaus, now." He waved a hand to indicate the house as a whole. Essek laughed.

"Charming," he replied. "But I viewed the interior before recommending it as a housing option."

"You have not seen the additions," Caleb insisted. "The tree, the hot tub, the paintings in––"

"Hot tub?" Essek had already started to drift away. Now, he spun about to look at Caleb in surprise. "How did you acquire the modifications for heating and drainage in just a week?"

"Ah." Caleb waved his hand again. "Mr. Clay crafted the stonework. I do the heating. Both Jester and Mr. Clay manages the water. We put it in the tower."

"The tower. You mean under the tree." Essek looked back towards the door, then resolutely threw it open and glided out into the main room. "Show me."

"Ja, of course. This way."

They made their way to the tower at the corner of the house. Sure enough, a well-crafted hot tub had been installed at its base. An oven had been embedded into its bottom, and a set of simple steps led past it into the raised rim of the tub itself. Essek lifted his gaze upwards. Thick tendrils of tree roots were jutting through the stonework of the tower's interior, glistening with condensation. Clumps of colorful fungi of all sorts crept up along seams between the stone, pushing through the crumbing masonry.

_Oh, that's a problem..._ Essek's brows drew together worriedly as his gaze darted from one crack to another.

"This is impressive," he murmured. "But aren't you at all concerned that the weight of the tree and the damage caused by its root system may result in structural failure?"

Caleb's eyes widened. He shot his attention upwards. "I am now."

Thumping steps began to descend the winding staircase. As they grew closer, a bright shock of pink hair poked out from around the corner. Caduceus paused at the sight of Essek, then broke into a broad smile.

"Morning, Mr. Essek. Mr. Caleb."

"Hello, Mr. Clay," Caleb replied. Essek only offered a nod, and moved aside to let the firbolg step out of the stairwell.

"Like the hot tub?" Caduceus asked. "It's just great. And it's good for the mushrooms." He reached out and plucked a thick stem of one off the wall. "You want some? It's good." He held the mushroom out. Essek glanced down at it, then turned a polite smile back at him.

"I'll decline. Thank you."

"Well, it'll be here if you get hungry. Excuse me." Caduceus stuffed the mushroom into his mouth and lumbered out of the tower entrance. Essek waited until he left, then turned a curious look to Caleb. The wizard was frowning up at the roots again.

"I will keep an eye on this," he said. "Mr. Clay could reinforce the structure as a whole, maybe." He looked down and gestured at the hot tub. "If this interests you, you are welcome to make use of it. You are always welcome here."

Essek glanced back up at the dangling roots of the tree. "Ah...no, thank you," he replied. "I'd feel a bit exposed, given the... _enthusiasm_ your friends."

An unexpected smile crossed over Caleb's face. "That is not a problem. Watch." He moved his hands in several complex motions, a series of arcane words spilling from his lips. Magic built slowly around him, then snapped into its completed form. An invisible dome sprang up around them, and Essek arched his brows in recognition. It was a protective barrier––rudimentary, but strong. "My magic hut," Caleb told him. "No one can see us or join us. Not unless I invite them. And look." He snapped twice, and his familiar vanished to reappear on top of the dome. "See? If the others see Frumpkin there, they will know why they can't enter." He looked up at the underside of the cat as it folded its legs beneath itself and settled comfortably in place. "Heh. Look," he added. "Like a loaf of bread."

Essek folded his arms across his stomach and drifted backwards a little. "This is a good spell," he agreed. "But I must still decline."

"Ah. Okay." Caleb banished the spell. The moment the hut vanished, the cat dropped with a startled yowl and plunged into the water.

_"Scheisse_ _!"_ Caleb lunged forward and snapped his fingers again. The cat reappeared in his arms, soaking wet and looking as though it was ready to claw someone's eyes out. It let out a low growl, and Caleb stroked its back reassuringly. "I am sorry, Frumpkin. That was stupid of me, and I will never do it again."

"If I may?"  Essek approached and held out his hand. Calling upon the force of time and gravity, he circled the cat with his magic and drew away the water droplets until it was dry. The cat let out a relieved trill, and Caleb stared at Essek with wide, intent eyes. _"You."_ Caleb raised his hand to stab a finger at him. "You are a good egg."

_A high compliment, considering the source. Well, as long I've earned his approval..._

"There's a bathhouse not far from here," Essek said. "It's very well kept. Why don't the two of us meet there, sometime? Hot water, steam, the intimacy of a private room..." He slipped a hand out from his robe to run his fingertip along the underside of his jaw and smiled suggestively. Caleb set his familiar on the floor.

"We have all those things here. Come. I will show you the tree." He trotted up the steps. Dismayed, Essek floated along after him. Enough was enough. He had to say something.

"Caleb Widogast. I am at a loss."

"Hmm?" Caleb didn't even glance over his shoulder. Eyes rolling, Essek let out a heavy sigh.

"I can't tell if you are ignoring me, or if you're simply oblivious to my advances."

"What advances?"

Essek waved a hand in exasperation. "I've been attempting to gauge your interest, Caleb. Thus far, I've gotten no reaction to any of my efforts."

They were nearing the top landing. As Caleb emerged into the top level of the tower, he turned to wait for Essek to join him. "I am not following," he said. "What efforts?" Essek glided to the top step and regarded him with pained expression. Caleb's brows furrowed as he tried to interpret the Shadowhand's expression. "I am not someone who reads body language very well," he said slowly. "Social cues. Verbal hints. I need things said plainly, else I will likely misunderstand. What are we talking about right now?"

Another heavy sigh. Essek looked up at the branches of the tree and took a moment to send a prayer to the Luxon. "Fine," he said. "Caleb, you have successfully attracted my attention. I would like to formally declare my intention to court you, should you find yourself amiable to my advances. Is that plain enough?" He kept his eyes trained on the leaves above him, in case Caleb needed a moment to mask any disgust he might feel at the revelation. There was a long silence beside him. Nervous and impatient, Essek chanced a glance at the wizard. Caleb was staring at him with puzzled attention, his dark brows drawn tightly together.

"Oh," he finally said, and fell silent again. There was an awkward pause. Essek readied a time reversal spell beneath his robe. He could still salvage this visit, if he cast it quickly enough.

"A few days ago," Caleb suddenly said. "Near the library. You laid your hand upon my shoulder."

Essek's fist tightened around the spell to hold it in place. "I did," he agreed. "And you pulled away. "

"You kissed my hand."

"I remember." Essek's fingers twitched, even as he reevaluated the situation. Caleb didn't look horrified. That was good. Slowly, Essek loosened his grip and let the magic dissipate. "I apologize if I made you uncomfortable, Caleb. I should not have overstepped myself."

Caleb ran his fingertips over the knuckles Essek had kissed several days earlier. "I am not used to touch," he mumbled. His hand clenched, and he crossed his arms protectively over his chest. "You said you like to flirt. Were you teasing me, then?"

Essek offered a strained smile. This had gone so much better in his head. "A bit," he admitted. "But there is often a thread of genuine interest in my overtures. Jester, for example. I enjoyed her compliments, and wanted to invite more. After having spent more time around her..." Essek paused, then shrugged. "Well, I find her charming, but would not what to pursue anything beyond friendship. You, however..." He ventured a bit closer, his hands clasping tightly beneath his robes. "You intrigue me, Caleb. I would very much like to pursue you. If you'd rather I leave you be, however, I will respect your boundaries."

Caleb's arms were still crossed, though his thumbs were rubbing roughly against his forearms. His gaze dropped to the ground, his lips thinning in a tight line as he considered his response. "I do not think of such things," he said. "You are not making me uncomfortable, but I am not a romantic individual. I do not think it is in me to become one."

It was not an immediate refusal. Essek might actually be able to persuade him, if he chose his next words carefully. He clenched his jaw and looked back up at the twinkling specks of sunlight glowing within their prisons. _Light give me strength,_ he thought. He trialed his hand along the rough bark of the tree and took a steady breath.

"Part of the consecution processes is coming to terms with the fact that you will pass through several lifetimes in complete ignorance," he said. "There is infinite knowledge out there waiting to be learned, and our brief lifetimes afford us but a short time to take in as much as we can." He dropped his hand and leveled an earnest look at the human. "I am someone who hungers for information, Caleb. I enjoy the pursuit of knowledge, and of discovering new things––both within the world as a whole, and within myself. I know you share that same desire to learn. If you only _think_ you can't be romantic, why not find out for sure? Even failure can be a useful guide on our path towards perfection."

Caleb remained silent. His hands were clenched hard against his forearms, now, his hair obscuring his face. _I'm losing him,_ Essek realized. There was a moment of panic within him––the fear of rejection, the embarrassment of inadequacy. This was the exact situation he had spent the past several decades trying to avoid! He ran his hand along the side of his hair and looked away to feign indifference. "You don't have to decide right now. You've certainly earned my favor, but if you're not interested––"

"You may proceed."

Essek froze. His hand fell to his side, and he stared owlishly at Caleb. "What, really?"

"Ah. Were you teasing me again?" A smile flickered across Caleb's lips in the manner of someone trying to appreciate a joke that made no sense. Essek quickly raised his hands in warding.

"I was utterly serious, I assure you! I just...didn't actually think you'd take me up on my offer." He lowered his hands to press his palms together. "This is unexpected. Are you certain?"

"No. But I am curious."

_I don't know what's happening. I wasn't prepared for this at all._ Essek's hand began to wring, and he quickly pulled them into his robe to hide them. "That's a start," he said cautiously. "I imagine this will be a learning experience for both of us." _Blessed Light, I can't tell if this is going very well, or crashing down in flames. Damn it, Caleb, you need to give me more to work with! I don't know how to read you, yet!_

He drew in another deep breath to calm himself, then slipped a hand out to gesture vaguely at his legs. "You've seen my flaws. Will it bother you?"

Caleb glanced down briefly and shook his head. "No. What bothers me is that I was wrong again."

"About what?"

"About you." There was a calculating look upon Caleb's face, now. He locked his gaze upon Essek and leaned against the trunk of the tree, his hands relaxing against his arms. "I thought at first that you were simply showing off, floating around as you do. But then, when the silence spell struck, I heard you fall. The sounds you were making...that wooden chair you had moved in the dark..." Caleb huffed out a chuckle. "You said the chair was too heavy to lift, yet it was no larger than the ones we left in my library." He stoked his chin thoughtfully and looked upwards into the branches. "It occurred to me that you might have injured yourself, and that you were using the chair to help you walk. I did not observe you to be in any noticeable pain once the lights returned, though, so I thought nothing more of it."

Essek listened in silence, one brow arching as Caleb raised a finger to waggle it in the air. "But you seemed very guarded when I brought it up at our next meeting," he continued. "More guarded than I would have expected for a simple injury. I remembered how you removed your robe when the silence spell took effect. I heard you throw it aside. I did not hear you pick it up. Yet when the lights returned, the robe was draped over your lap."

Caleb titled his head curiously, though his gaze was still canny, still sharp. "I did not want to insult you, nor pry too deeply, but it made me very curious, especially after you laughed at me when I suggested it was a broken bone. You did confirm it was an injury, but you said that healers could not help you, and that you had seen many of them. That suggested a more serious condition, one that resulted in a long-term infirmity. Given my observations and the information I was able to glean, I determined that you had lost one or both of your legs at some point, and that the support device I saw was, in fact, a prosthetic. This..." He gestured casually to Essek's legs. "This did not occur to me."

_Was it that obvious?_

Essek's lips twitched into a smile. So Caleb had figured things out himself. Essek was impressed. Between his logical deductions and tactful silence on his conclusions, Caleb was only growing more desirable.  "Do you like tales of intrigue, Caleb?" Essek asked. "Mystery novels?"

"I have not read many. I prefer informational texts."

"Would you be interested in historical records, then? A novelization of a detective's efforts to uncover an assassination plot? Following a trail of clues, analyzing unusual circumstances, picking apart conversations for hidden meanings in order to solve the crime...?"

Caleb thought for a moment. "Is the ending satisfactory?"

"Very." Essek's smile widened. "I'll bring you a copy. I would enjoy discussing it with you."

With a soft laugh, Caleb pushed away from the tree. "You keep giving me things. I do not know what to give you in return."

"How about your time?" Essek drifted closer to take up the spot Caleb had just vacated. "Join me for a meal. We can get to know each other better, and decide if there is anything between us. You've agreed to be courted, true, but I feel you are not convinced."

_"Ach."_ Caleb bent to collect his familiar and hugged it to his neck. "This is not my area of expertise."

"Nor mine." Feeling daring, Essek reached out to pet the familiar's head. Frumpkin purred at his touch, and Caleb said nothing as Essek 'accidently' brushed his knuckles along his jaw. "I certainly have experience," he continued, "but it's been of a casual sort. I'd like to try for something deeper. As deep as you'll let me go." He waggled his brows meaningfully. Caleb only gave him a blank stare. Sighing, Essek dropped his hand. "That was a euphemism, Caleb. I am indicating my attraction to you by using a double entendre to suggest that we eventually engage in sexual intercourse."

"Oh. Right."

Essek waited for Caleb to display either approval or disapproval. Caleb said nothing. This was proving to be a greater challenge than Essek had anticipated. He pinched his brow and moved on.

"So will you join me?" he prompted.

This time, Caleb straightened in alarm, his eyes widening as they darted from Essek to the tree, then back again. "What, right now? Here?"

Essek broke into a laugh. "I was referring to sharing a meal," he returned, "but if you're that eager––"

"No, no, a meal is fine."

With a knowing nod, Essek clapped his hands together. "Excellent. I know just the place. It's a beautiful restaurant, very regal, very prestigious. It is in one of the finest parts of the city..." He trailed off as Caleb's expression began to close again. "Which...is exactly why I will not be bringing you there," he amended, "as I can tell you are a practical man who would enjoy a more casual dining experience. A quaint locale with simple foods and a quiet atmosphere, perhaps?"

The closed expression smoothed into its normal deadpan appearance. "That sounds good."

Relieved, Essek nodded again. "Then it's settled." He let his gaze drift over Caleb. The human seemed relaxed, even serene as he rested his cheek upon his familiar's fur and stroked its flanks. The calm glow of the bottled lights lit his face and cast leaf-shaped shadows over his nose. There was a slight freckling on his skin. Essek hadn't noticed that before. A slow smile warmed his lips, and he inclined to see Caleb's face better. "You look different under this light," he murmured. "Softer. More alive."

"It is the sunlight," came the dismissive response. "We would grow ill without it."

"There are not many humans in Rosona. They do look rather faded." Essek noticed a lock of hair obscuring one of Caleb's eyes. "But not you," he said gently. "The light suites you." He started to brush away the lock of hair. Caleb abruptly jerked away, and Essek quickly snapped his hand back. The silence that followed was heavy and tense, and Essek cursed himself for ruining the moment.

_What manner of fool am I?_ he thought dimly. _He recoiled so readily. He's already regretting his willingness to let me court him. If he can't handle a simple touch on the face, what will he do once I try to kiss him? Embrace him? Light forbid I attempt to fuck him; he'd blast me through a wall!_

"Let's go to the bathhouse afterwards."  

It took a moment for Essek to realize that Caleb had spoken. Once he did, it took even longer to realize that he had just been issued an invitation. He stared at Caleb, not entirely certain that he had heard correctly, and Caleb let his familiar drop to the floor.

"Tomorrow," he said. "You and me. After lunch."

Essek's lips parted mutely. He paused to clear his throat and straightened to regain as much dignity as he could.

"I'll arrange it," he replied formally. "I'll meet you here at noon, then."

"I will be waiting. "

"Good."

Neither of them moved.

Caleb hummed uncertainly and rubbed the back of his neck. "...Are, ah...we supposed to kiss, now?"

_BLESSED LIGHT, YES! KISS ME!_

"Only if you want to," Essek said calmly.

Caleb rubbed the side of his nose. He glanced away, then back at Essek, then finally stepped forward. Essek kept still, patiently waiting for the wizard to approach him, and smiled when Caleb hesitated just a single pace away.

_Good enough._

With slow, deliberate movements, Essek leaned forward and caught Caleb's face between his palms. As he inclined over him, Caleb held his breath––but kept his eyes open, taking in everything. The eye contact was a little disconcerting, but Essek wasn't about to back off now. He pressed his lips to Caleb's and moved them slowly, first nipping at the human's lower lip, then gently probing the tip of his tongue at the seam between them until they parted. Essek pressed closer, simultaneously drawing Caleb to his chest and deepening the kiss. Caleb was obviously inexperienced, but he was a quick learner. His tongue moved stiltedly against Essek's, then softened and twined more readily as he melted into the kiss. When Essek finally pulled back, it was to find Caleb momentarily dazed. His face was flushed, his eyes glazed over, his lips still parted expectantly.

Essek was inordinately proud of himself.

"Well, then," he said briskly. "Good day."

He couldn't resist making one last effort to impress the wizard. With a precautionary spell gathered in his palm, he glided to the tower's parapet––and arched over it let himself glide safely back to the ground. The moment the hems of his robe brushed against the packed earth below, he set out for the street.

At the back of the house, Yasha and Caduceus were sitting on the stoop of the kitchen steps sharing a plate of steaming food. As Essek passed them, Caduceus lifted his chin in greeting. "Wow," he said. "That was neat."

Essek chuckled and returned the nod, but kept going without pause. Movement caught the corner of his eye; he looked sideways to the neighboring house and caught a glimpse of Lord Bilan's dour face before the historian whisked the curtains shut. Essek almost pitied him. His new neighbors certainly were an interesting bunch.

_He's the sort to lodge a formal complaint. I'll prepare a response, just in case._

With diplomatic phrases already organizing themselves in his mind, Essek headed back to the Lucid Bastion.

He was looking forward to tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

**\--- Chapter 4 ---**

 

Essek awoke to a painful tension in the back of one thigh and a numbness that was already prickling at his foot. He grimaced as he tried to sit up, and fell back with a gasp as a sharp twinge arched through his lower back.

_Great. It's going to be one of_ those _days..._

Slowly, far more conscious of each movement he made, he carefully dug the heels of his palms against his mattress and shoved himself backwards until he could prop himself up upon his pillows. The tingling in his foot had already spread to his calf, and had intensified to the sensation of hot needles stabbing into him. Face drawn in concentration, Essek gripped his thigh and bent it upwards, hoping to at least alleviate the tight muscles there with a hard massage. He worked for a few minutes, rubbing, kneading, and occasionally smacking his calf and foot, before finally giving up. This type of pain wasn't common, but tended to linger for hours after setting in. The phantom sensations would dissipate of their own accord.

_Damn it, why did it have to be today?_

He let his leg fall sideways and leaned back with a sigh. It wasn't often that he indulged in self-pity, but it was hard to shake away the depression ebbing through him. He kept thinking of everything he could have done to avoid his injury; all the things he had missed out on since gaining it; all the things he would never be able to do again.

And he had no one to blame for it but himself.

Essek rubbed at his face, then forced himself to rise. He couldn't spend the entire day laying around feeling sorry for himself. Things needed to get done, and he had a limited amount of time to see them through to completion. There was the morning meeting with the Bright Queen he needed to attend. After that, a debriefing with various scouts and informants. Both would mean sitting for several hours. _Ugh,_ sitting was only going to make things worse.

_And I've been neglecting my research. I need to return to my studies._

_Tonight. After I see Caleb._

The thought of the wizard was enough to lighten his mood. Essek drifted towards his wardrobe, already matching articles of clothing in his mind. He doubted Caleb would care what he wore, but looking good made Essek _feel_ good.

He'd definitely need that extra boost, today.

It took longer than usual to get ready. Essek nearly flew into the throne room of the Bastion, only barely reaching his assigned chair in time for the meeting to begin. As the Bright Queen initiated the prayer that preceded each court session, Essek shifted uncomfortably in his chair. His right leg felt as though it was being crushed; he wanted so badly to extend it and prop it up somewhere.

_Decorum,_ he reminded himself. _Patience. Endurance. The Luxon rewards those who overcome adversity._ _I must prove myself worthy of the Light's blessing._

He sat in stone-faced silence, focusing intently on the lilt of the Bright Queen's voice as he counted each diamond sewn into her shimmering gown. By the time the meeting was over, he was exhausted from trying to distract himself from the pervasive ache in his lower back and the burning in his leg. He rose gingerly from his seat and grimaced at the series of cracks that popped down his spine. The painful tingling began to fade from his leg, and Essek found himself looking forward to it going numb again. He might actually be able to make it through the debriefing, now.

Essek started to float out of the throne room, only to be stopped by Skysybil. The ancient goblin caught his robe as he passed her, and used it as a support as she scooted out of her seat. Essek waited patiently for her to rise, but once she was on her feet, Skysybil kept her hold tight upon him.

"Nice meeting," she rasped out. "Got a lot done."

"Indeed, Den Mother." Essek drifted a pace away, hoping that the slight tug upon his robe would be enough of an indication that he was trying to leave. Skysybil's grip tightened, and she yanked him right back. Her watery yellow eyes squinted up at him, half blind but all-seeing. There was a reason she had been named the leader of Den Mirimm; as the keeper of history and lore for the Beacon, no detail escaped her notice.

"You were twitching the entire time," she said quietly. "Grimacing and shifting around, and trying all the while to look as though you weren't. What's wrong?"

Essek reached down to pat her hand, then pointedly pried her clawed fingers from his robe. "The chairs are uncomfortable," he said simply. "Perhaps it's time to consider some upholstery."

Skysybil snorted. "So that's how it's going to be, is it? You're just going to float there and lie to an umavi's face, like she doesn't already know exactly what's going on." She smacked Essek's thigh with the back of her hand, and her boney knuckles clacked against the metal of his leg brace. "So which is it? The back or the legs?"

Essek glanced about. No one else was left in the chamber, save for the guards far across the room. "Both," he murmured, and Skysybil nodded knowingly.

"I'll have some muscles relaxants sent to your quarters."

"No." Essek's refusal came out sharper than he intended, and he was quick to drop his voice to a soft murmur. "They make my mind foggy. I need to keep a clear head."

"At least take some time to––"

"I thank you for your concern, Den Mother," Essek interrupted, "but I'd rather deal with this on my own. Excuse me." He started to drift down the stairs, and Skysybil snorted again.

"The stubbornness of youth," she rasped out after him. "Don't fall into the trap of thinking you're too powerful and important to ask for help."

Essek halted. He turned slowly to watch as the Den Mother began to descend the steps. "There is no help, for me, umavi. I must simply accept that I'll occasionally have bad days. The same would hold true for anyone."

_"Hrmph."_ Skysybil paused a few steps above him. She was at eyelevel with his shoulder now, her long hair trailing over her toes as she hunched over a cane. She narrowed her filmy eyes, then let her thin lips curl upwards in a grin that exposed the jagged points of her yellowed teeth. "I'll have the debriefing rescheduled for later this evening," she said. "Take the afternoon to relax."

Essek's shoulders tensed, and his hands clenched at his sides. "I am fully capable of completing my duties––"

"I'm sure you are," Skysybil interrupted smoothly, "but the scheduling is inconvenient for me. I'm too old for these endless back-to-back meetings." She began to hobble down the steps again, and Essek let the tension drain out of him. Skysybil was doing him a great favor, giving him time to recover without making it look as through he was shirking his duties. It would be rude to argue. Head bowed respectfully, Essek moved aside to let her pass.

"May your next life bring you long years," he said quietly.

"And yours." Skysybil slapped his backside as she toddled past him. "Go on, then. Get out of here."

Essek chuckled, bowed again, and glided away. He was a little embarrassed that his discomfort had been so obvious, but he was pleased to know he had people who cared about him enough to notice. And the timing worked out well; with the meeting having dragged on for so long, the debriefing would have run well past the time Essek had planned to meet with Caleb.

_Ah, Caleb. You were on my mind all night. Have I at all crossed your mind since we last met?_

Essek returned to his quarters to freshen up, and took some time to stretch out his muscles some more before heading out into the Firmaments. This definitely qualified as 'relaxing,' he decided. A good meal, some pleasant company, and a hot soak in the bathhouse. Skysybil could hardly criticize him for taking advantage of this opportunity, given those parameters.

He quickly made his way to the home of the Mighty Nein, eagerness lending him renewed energy. But the moment he stood outside the door, his uncertainty returned. He held his fist just above the wood, his mind racing with all the reasons why he should cancel the date and go back home. What if Caleb had changed his mind? What if he wasn't even here? What if he stood Essek up, and he got stuck making small talk with Jester and Beau again?

_Stop it. Everything will be fine. It's not like I've never picked up a date, before._

He forced himself to knock on the door. There was a muted voice from somewhere inside; Beau shouting for someone to answer the door. Seconds later, there was a cheerful jangling of chimes as Jester threw the door open.

_"Oooh,_ Essek!" she greeted. "You came back!" With her hand still closed around the side of the door, she leaned against the doorframe and cocked one leg up to brace it against the wood in what she probably thought was a sexy pose. With her brows waggling suggestively, she rolled her shoulder and dropped her voice to a seductive note. "Notice anything different about me?"

Essek looked her over. She had obviously purchased clothing from a local clothier. Her hair was shinier than usual and piled atop her head in a sloppy bun. There was paint on her hands, and the beady eyes of a tiny creature peering out at him from the folds of her hood. "New dress," he said aloud. "New hair style." He paused and sniffed. _Ugh,_ that was foul... "New...scent?" he finished delicately.

Jester beamed and straightened to pat proudly at her messy bun. "It's the hair treatment," she replied. "It's going to be long and beautiful, now, you just wait!"

Essek offered a sly smile. "It was already beautiful," he assured her.

_"Awww!_ Thank you!" Jester reached out to give his shoulder a playful squeeze, leaving behind an oily handprint from the residue of the gunk she had mashed into her hair. With a flourish and a partial twirl, she knocked the door open the rest of the way and held out her arm to invite him inside. "Welcome to Xhorhaus!"

From within the house came a faint, _"Fjord!_ _What's this fucking shit you left in the bathroom? What, you tryin' to start a collection in here? The fuck you been eating?"_

"I'll wait outside," Essek said politely. "I have a meeting with Caleb. Is he available?"

As he spoke, a pale hand waved over Jester's shoulder, and Caleb tried to ease past her to get out of the house. "Hello, yes, excuse me, I am here."

"Caleb!" Jester exclaimed loudly. "Essek came to visit!"

Wincing at the volume of her voice, Caleb nodded. "Yes, I see that, thank you. Goodbye." He shoved past her and pointedly closed the door. Jester immediately opened it again, and Caleb hurried out towards the road. "Come on, then," he muttered as he flapped a hand over his shoulder in beckoning. "Which way?"

"This way." Essek swiftly glided out ahead of him, and chanced a glance back towards the house. Jester was still standing in the doorway, her arm stretched high above her head as she waved enthusiastically at them. Smiling, he turned back to Caleb. "In a hurry to leave?"

"I told Beau I would be out with you today," Caleb sighed. "She spent the entire morning asking me if we were going out on a date."

"We are. "

"Ah. Then she was right."

There was no infliction in Caleb's voice as he responded. Essek couldn't tell what the wizard's opinion on the matter was. He'd thought he had made his intentions for the day clear, but––

Well, this was Caleb.

"My plan was to take us to a small, local eatery," he said as he led the way down the road. "I thought the casual setting might be more comfortable for you. Afterwards, I have time reserved at the bathhouse. A private room. No pressure," he added quickly. "It just seemed like a relaxing place for us to engage in more intimate conversation, but that doesn't necessarily mean we have to be intimately engaged. I can certainly change our plans."

"A meal and a bath," Caleb replied. "That is fine." He waved his hand down the road. "You said you were not familiar with the area. How do you know this place?"

"I asked around. I'm told it's quite good. Though if you don't mind, I'd like to disguise myself. Being a Shadowhand does tend to draw a certain amount of unwanted attention."

"As does being a human in Xhorhas," Caleb agreed. "I will do the same."

They continued further into the Firmaments. One street away from their destination, Essek pulled Caleb into a secluded alley to cast their spells. Caleb went first. It was a simple illusion: Caleb's normal clothes and face, but with grey skin, pointed ears, and white hair. Essek needed to go into more detail for himself––not so much with his face and hair, but with his legs. The floating would be a dead give away. He needed to give himself the illusion of walking, which meant not only functional legs, but also a change in his gait. He cast his spell, then banished his robe into a pocket dimension to store it. Concentrating on projecting the image of the graceful rolling-step he had once enjoyed using, both he and Caleb made their way to the eatery. It was a small, plain building tucked away between a book bindery and a general store. A row of street venders lined the road across the street, sending the savory scents of various street foods into the air. Essek titled his head up to read the sign above the building: The Dappled Nook. This was it, then.

"Here." Essek motioned Caleb to follow him, and paused just outside of the door. Nailed between the doorframe and the front window was a meticulously painted menu. "This is what they are serving today. If nothing temps you, we can go elsewhere."

Caleb leaned forward to squint at the three items listed on the sign. After a moment, he leaned back. "These are not translated."

_Oh, right._ "There's no direct translation," Essek explained. "These are just the names of the dishes." He pointed to the first item.  "Hal'dras––rice and mashed roots served within a bowl made from a large mushroom cap. It's about this big." He cupped his hands to indicate the portion size. "Hald'ras is typically served with a variety of steamed vegetables, as the season permits. This one, veridek." He tapped the second line. "It is a type of spider bisque served in a bread bowl. The inner part of the bread is used to make stuffed dumplings, served on the side along with roasted spider legs. The last one is jupaa. It is a plate of spiced fish served with bread and rice. Very simple."

Caleb stroked his chin. "I will order the hal'dras," he said.

"Then I shall have the bisque."

They entered the eatery. Inside, the walls were faded and unpainted. Several round tables were strewn about with no apparent care to placement. The customers here wore dingy clothes, as though they were simply taking a break from whatever work they spent their days doing. A harried looking drow woman bustled about slapping plates and mugs upon tables. She barely glanced up as Essek and Caleb entered, only jabbing a finger impatiently towards the bar counter on the side wall. There, a burly minotaur with broken horns hunched over the counter to glower at them.

"What do you want?" he growled.

"Food." Surprisingly, it was Caleb who answered. The disguised human strode fearlessly up to the counter and pointedly plunked a coin purse upon it. "One order of hal'dras for me, an order of veridek for my companion, and a serving of wine for the both of us. We will take the table in the corner, or we will leave."

Brows darting high in surprise, Essek took a quick look around the room. The only corner table available was one that was just being seated. The minotaur eyed the coin purse, then gave a curt nod. "YOU THERE!" he boomed towards the back of the room. "DIFFERENT TABLE! MOVE!"

The waitress who had been seating the two drow immediately swatted at them to get back up. "Move on over, gentlemen. We've got a better table right over here."

With a deep, grating chuckle, the minotaur folded his arms over the counter and bent his head to narrow his eyes at Caleb. "Five gold," he growled.

_Five gold? That's outrageous! Does he really expect us to––_

"Done." Caleb snatched the coin purse away, tossed five gold pieces upon the counter, and walked away. Eyes wide, Essek followed after him. As the minotaur scooped up the coins behind them, a different waitress ushered them over to the newly vacated table.

"Over here, then, have a seat, I'll get your drinks in a bit."

Caleb followed after her. As he passed an abandoned table, he plucked an empty cup from it, then set it in the center of their own table before sitting down. One brow arched in interest, Essek pulled out his own chair and seated himself. Between concentrating on his illusion and trying not to wince at the twinge arching down the back of his thigh, he found himself struggling to keep his spell up. He sat with a breath of relief, and surreptitiously tucked his legs under the table. As long as he didn't have to move them, he wouldn't have to think too hard about maintaining the spell.

Across from him, Caleb was rummaging around in his coat. After a few moments, he withdrew a half-dried flower and dropped it into the empty cup. _One of his spell components,_ Essek realized. _He's decorating our table._

A soft chuckle escaped his lips. Settling himself more comfortably, Essek folded his hands upon the table and regarded the wizard with a fond smile. "I'm impressed, Caleb. Taking charge, paying for our meal, bringing me a flower..."

"You wanted a romantic setting."

Essek glanced at the room out of the corner of his eye. A bugbear seated near the doorway let out a loud belch that ratted the walls. "This isn't as romantic as I'd hoped for," Essek admitted, "but the food does smell good. Remarkably expensive, though. May I reimburse you?"

"No. You can pay for the bathhouse. Lunch will be on me." Caleb was digging around in his coat again. Essek watched for a moment, then shifted his arms to rest his chin upon his knuckles.

"Then I owe you, Caleb. Thank you."

"You owe me nothing. You gave me a book, remember? And you planned to give me another. Did you bring it?" Caleb paused in the middle of rooting through a large pouch at his belt to fix his attention upon Essek. Grinning, Essek lowered his hand to discretely snap his fingers. A book popped into his grip, and he set it upon the table.

"I did. I hope you enjoy it."

"Excellent. I will read it tonight." Caleb pulled a candle out of the pouch and thumped it next to the flower. "Jester says candles are romantic. I made sure to bring one." He took the book and tucked it under his coat as Essek arched a brow at the candle. It was small, unlit, and mostly melted. Bits of other spell components had been ground into the wax, giving it a grimy appearance. Still, the fact that Caleb had even thought to bring it was charming––and very promising.

"Indeed," Essek murmured.

The waitress returned to drop two cups of wine on the table. "Here you go. Food's coming out in a minute. Chef just made a fresh batch of both." She left without waiting for a response. Across the room, a drow man suddenly burst into tears and ran out of the eatery, leaving his female table companion to look around in embarrassment.

_Last time I ask Professor Waccoh for a recommendation._

Essek summoned a simple detect magic spell and scanned the room. He didn't notice anything out of the ordinary, but he shifted in his seat a little to better see the room as a whole just in case. One never knew when a pickpocket or thug might decided to select a new target.

He looked back at Caleb. The human had pulled the book back out and was skimming the first page. "This book," Caleb said in that wonderfully soothing voice. "You said it was a true story. Did it happen in your lifetime?"

"Yes, actually. I was a child. I remember hearing about it nearly every day. A string of murders, each victim with their heart surgically removed." Essek chuckled. "That's not something that's kept quiet for long, especially when clues were left to indicate that a Den Mother was being targeted. Den Jaraal, as I recall. A small den, but very well respected."

"Hmm. Interesting." Caleb read a few more lines, then reluctantly closed the book and put it away. "Thank you for the gift, Essek."

_It wasn't meant as a gift. That's my own personal copy._ Essek started to object, then pressed his lips into a thin smile. "I hope you enjoy it as much as I have," was all he said. It was just a book, after all. He'd make a point of picking up another copy, one day.

Caleb curled his fingers around his cup and began to roll it between his palms. His eyes narrowed at Essek, his own lips parting slightly as though he was debating whether or not to speak. "You wanted a favor in return for teaching me spells," he said finally. "Does this mean you are open to a continued exchange of benefits?"

Essek's smile faded. He lowered his gaze to his own cup. "One arrangement at a time, Caleb. I've yet to see what you do with the spells you have." He flicked his gaze back up. "Why? Did you have a particular favor in mind?"

"No. I am eager to learn, and you are my only source of dunamantic knowledge."

A twinge of uncertainty struck Essek. Had Caleb only gone along with this date as a way gain more favors? Was he taking advantage of Essek's attraction in order to learn new spells? Essek's jaw clenched. It was times like these he wished he had a previous life to reflect upon. This was exactly the sort of situation that would benefit from the wisdom that came from experience. Well, that was the way of things. He'd have to fumble his way through his trysts like anyone else, and use his errors to refine his approach in the next life.

He picked up the cup and took a slow sip of the wine. It was cheap and grainy, and left a bitter taste in his mouth. "I hope you didn't agree to this outing in the hopes of seducing more secrets from me," he said quietly.

"No trickery," came the flat reply. "I am open in my intentions. You have information I want, and I am letting you know I am willing to negotiate."

"Good to know."

Caleb picked up his cup and swirled the wine around it before taking a sip. "Have your studies included the possibility of exploring alternate realities?" he asked.

Essek shrugged. "Who's to say?"

"You, if you care to."

"If I care to," Essek agreed, and drained rest of his wine. He could feel Caleb watching him, and wave of disappointment rolled through him. He hadn't come here to discuss business, but a Shadowhand was always on duty. If Caleb was providing him an opening to gather more information, Essek couldn't let the opportunity pass. He thought back to when he had made the suggestion of having his favor returned. Caleb had agreed immediately, without even asking what kind of favor it would be. That had been quite curious. The power to bend fate was clearly of great importance to him––important enough that he was willing to compromise himself in order to attain it. Why was that? And why was he now inquiring about alternate realities?

Essek started to speak, but before he could get any questions out, the waitress returned with a tray loaded with plates. Only two of them were theirs; she set them down quickly, mumbled a distracted inquiry of whether or not they needed anything else, and then whisked away to set the other plates down on a different table.  Caleb immediately began to inspect his food, and Essek used the moment to gather his thoughts as he did the same. Spider legs were a bad choice, he decided. There was no graceful way to crack them open and suck out the flesh within. He tucked them closer to the bowl and glanced over everything else. The thick, purplish-grey bisque was steaming invitingly, and the stuffed dumplings were perfectly golden. If everything tasted as good as it looked, he might forgive Professor Waccoh for her otherwise dismal taste in eateries.

"I have not had a chance to explore, yet," Caleb said suddenly. "Do you know of any good shops that sell magical items? We've found a couple of alchemy shops, but they both seemed questionable."

Essek stirred the bisque, his worries fading a little at the change in conversation. "Counterfeit potions are a plague upon our city," he warned. "Every time we shut down one establishment, another pops up in its place. I would suggest exercising caution when buying from a dealer you're unfamiliar with." He offered a reassuring smile. "I can provide a list of reputable sellers in the area, if you give me some time to consult the registry at the Office of Commerce."

"That would be appreciated, thank you."

Essek lifted the spoon tentatively to his lips and took a sip. The flavor burst over his tongue, and his brows darted up at the pleasant surprise. He took another spoonful, more confidently this time, and watched curiously as Caleb scooped up a forkful of mashed roots and rice. The human shoved a generous portion into his mouth, chewed thoughtfully for a moment, then nodded and went in for another serving. Essek grinned at his reaction. It was always fun to watch a foreigner taste-test the local dishes.

"How's the first bite?" he inquired.

"Good. Earthy. Reminds me of village food during harvest festivals." Caleb ate another bite, then waved his empty fork towards Essek's plate. "What of you? Is, uh, _that_ to your liking?" There was a faint look of disgust on Caleb's face as he gestured to the spider bisque. Essek bit back a laugh.

"It is," he confirmed. "Try some." He scooped up a small amount and extend his arm over the table to offer it to Caleb. With a dubious frown, Caleb started to reach for the spoon, and Essek immediately lifted it from his reach. "My dear Caleb," he murmured. "This is part of the romantic overtures we discussed yesterday. When you are eating with a potential lover and they offer you a bite of their food with their own utensil, you're supposed to return the token of affection by eating directly from it."

Caleb's brows drew together. "So...being fed like an infant is considered romantic?"

"Not when you phrase it like that." Essek cocked one eyebrow and tilted his head. "Consider it a show of trust. Or, if you are uncomfortable with that, just give me your own spoon, and I'll pass it back to you." He held the spoon steady as he waited for an response. Caleb stared at him silently––then leaned forward and closed his mouth around the spoon. He drew back almost immediately, nearly taking the spoon with him. As he settled back in his seat, Essek watched him closely. "Well?" he prompted.

"Good. Like crab stew." He ran the back of his hand over his lips. As Essek chuckled under his breath, Caleb narrowed his eyes and frowned. "Did I not do that the right way?" he demanded.

"Close enough."

Caleb's eyes narrowed further. "Show me." He jammed his fork into his hal'dras, scooped up a generous portion, and held it over the table.  Essek looked at the giant mound of mush waiting to be eaten, then at the determined expression on Caleb's face.

"A smaller portion, please," he said. "The goal is to look attractive while accepting it. Unhinging my jaw like a snake in order take in that much at once is decidedly _not_ attractive." He smiled. "Not at the table, anyway. Maybe later. When we're alone."

"This meal should be enough to hold me through the night. I doubt I'll be hungry, later." Caleb scraped off half of the mush, then held the fork out again. Essek wanted to laugh. Should he explain what he had meant? No. Better to show him. He licked his lips slowly and bent forward, his lips parting expectantly. He waited, his eyes locked upon Caleb's. It took a moment for the human to figure out what he wanted. Confused, Caleb stretched his arm out further to slip the fork into Essek's mouth. Essek closed his lips over it and slowly pulled back. As Caleb lowered his arm, Essek traced his upper lip with the tip of his tongue, then his lower lip with the tip of his finger.

"Delicious," he murmured.

Caleb only stared at him. Was that a faint flush creeping along his cheeks? With a knowing smirk, Essek brought his spoon to his mouth and made a point of running his tongue along the bottom before closing his lips around it. Caleb cleared his throat and lowered his attention back to his own food. There was definitely a dark flush coloring his ears, now. Pleased with himself, Essek ate the rest of his food in silence. He felt as though he had just won an unexpected victory.

It was a short meal. Caleb ate quickly, and good as the food was, Essek didn't want to make Caleb wait for him. The moment Caleb set down his fork, Essek pushed his plate away. "A fine meal with fine company," he said as Caleb packed away the lumpy candle and the dead flower. "Thank you for joining me, Caleb. I hope it was to your liking."

"Ja, sehr gut. I would come here again." Caleb shoved himself away from the table and stood. Though his expression was emotionless, Essek got the distinct impression that he was satisfied. Was that wishful thinking, or was Essek finally learning how to read him? With a faint smile, Essek braced his weight upon the handles of the chair and started to push himself up––then dropped right back down with a quick intake of air as a sharp, stabbing pain lanced down his back and his leg. Caleb looked over his shoulder, and Essek quickly picked up his cup and pretended to drink from it. He hoped that Caleb would look away, but Caleb continued to watch him. Lips set in a thin line, Essek set the cup down and used a quick wave of magic to levitate. Once he was upright, he pointedly avoided eye contact.

"All right," he said briskly. "Off to the bathhouse. It isn't far."

"Essek––"

Essek glided across the room and whisked through the doorway, concentrating as hard as he could to project the image of a walking gait. He was already midway down the street before Caleb caught up to him, and he detoured down a side road to don his robe. With Caleb waiting silently at his side, he banished his illusion and took a moment to feel out the contours of his hair. Everything in order. Nothing out of place. _Completely normal._

"Are you in pain?"

_Damn it, Caleb! Stop noticing things!_

Essek set off again, gesturing loftily for Caleb to follow him. "Of course not. Why would you think that?"

"You were wincing. And you could not get up."

"I just wanted to take one last drink."

"Your cup was empty." Caleb matched Essek's pace easily. He had dropped his illusion as well, and now his pale skin glowed beneath the gentle illumination of the street lights. "Did we not agree to trust each other? 'Secrets make relationships difficult.' Those were your words."

They broke out onto a main road. Essek used the heavier foot traffic to avoid responding for several moments, but when Caleb brushed his palm against his elbow, he sighed. "I am experiencing a very minor back ache," he admitted in a low mutter. "I must have slept on it wrong."

"The hot water will be good for it."

"That is my hope."

Caleb was silent for a few seconds. Then, "It is not just your back, is it."

Essek didn't respond. Caleb tried again.

"Is there anything you can do to make it feel better?"

Essek let out a rueful laugh. "There's not much to be done. Stretches to keep the muscles from atrophying. Massages to keep the circulation going. Home pedicures to keep from feeling hideous. That's about it. Let's see...it should be right down this road. Ah!" Essek pointed to a large building set away from the street. "Here we are, then." He hurried forward to escape any further questions. With Caleb trailing behind him, he floated up the front steps and into the reception room. A tall orcish woman with her head shaved clean greeted him with a grunt and a curt nod, and Essek laid down his payment. "I was here yesterday," he said. "I'd reserved a private room under the name of Essek Thelyss."

The woman slapped down a wooden box packed with soap, scrubbing cloths, and a single key. "Room five, to your left." She bent to collect two folded towels and slid them over the counter. "Give the water a few minutes to heat up."

"Thank you."

Essek collected the box and the towels and nodded to Caleb. "Well, then. Shall we?"

Caleb frowned. He took the towels and the box from Essek's hands and started down the hallway, leaving Essek to follow after him. Silently, they found the room together and unlocked the door to reveal a gently lit space lined with curved benches. In the center of the room was smooth ledge that pushed out of the floor to create a circular pool of waist-high water, with a set of steps leading down into it. Somewhere in the level below, an attendant would be shoveling fuel into a kiln to heat the water from beneath. It was by no means an elegant arrangement, but Essek had selected the location more out of a concern for Caleb's comfort than his own.

Caleb set the wooden box beside the pool and began to disrobe. Immediately, Essek felt a wave of self-consciousness. He drifted over to a bench and took his robe off, then sat down to begin removing his leg braces. He heard a pause in the sound of rustling fabric. Caleb was watching him.

_This was a stupid idea. Why did I invite him here, of all places? Oh, I know why. I was so busy enjoying the thought of seeing him naked that I didn't stop to realize that he'd see me in the same state. I haven't even taken off my damn pants yet, and he's already staring at me like I'm some sort of misshapen monster._

He set the braces aside, then snapped them out of existence to keep them from collecting a film of condensation from the humid air. His boots came off next, then his shirt. There, he stopped, the expensive silver fabric twisting in his grip as he fought the urge to lay it over his knees and cover himself up. He didn't want Caleb to see him like this. Not yet. Maybe not ever. It wasn't too late; he could simply put on his robe and leave, claiming to have suddenly recalled an urgent meeting he was meant to attend. Caleb would understand, wouldn't he?

A shadow fell over him. Essek looked up in surprise as Caleb sat beside him on the bench. He was completely naked, not even trying to cover himself up. Essek quickly looked away, his cheeks growing warm in a combination of attraction, embarrassment, and frustration. Things certainly had changed from the days when he had been able to seduce lovers with a single glance. He had been so confident in himself, back then. Now he was too ashamed of his appearance to go out in public without the concealing safety of his formal robe.

"Are you okay?" Caleb asked. Essek nodded mutely, his voice abandoning him. He shifted his gaze sideways, and was momentarily distracted by the series of scars along Caleb's forearms. Self-harm? No, those didn't look like cut marks. More like old gashes that had healed poorly. How had that happened?

Caleb leaned forward a little and tilted his head in an effort to catch his eye. "Would you like me to turn my back until you are in the water?"

The unexpected offer caught Essek off guard. He looked up again and, seeing the concerned expression on the human's face, offered a shaky smile. "If you wouldn't mind."

Caleb nodded and stepped away to face the wall. Essek couldn't help but to let his gaze drop to the human's bare backside. The inviting curve of flesh was enough to chase away his doubt. Brows arching in approval, Essek cast the shirt aside and carefully shimmied his pants off before floating towards the pool. The water was still only tepid, but he sank beneath it was a feeling of immense relief. The rippling water would be enough to distort whatever was beneath it. He could handle this.

"Thank you, Caleb," he said as he adjusted his legs. "Will you join me?"

"Ja, okay." Caleb strode over to the pool and started down the steps, only to grimace in distaste. "Ach, still cold." He dropped into the water and lowered his hands into it. A moment later, the temperature began to rise and the water began to steam. Caleb pulled his hands back with a nod of satisfaction. "There. Much better." He sat down on the smooth, seamless seat that lined the inside of the pool and spread his arms over the outer ledge. "So how did it happen?" he asked without preamble.

Essek had only just settled back against the curve of the pool ledge. At Caleb's question, he froze and shot the human an incredulous look.

"I am only curious," Caleb said. "You do not need to tell me."

Essek smoothed his hand over his hair and looked away. He should have expected this. Fine, then. He'd need to tell Caleb anyway, if he intended to pursue this relationship to any meaningful end. "I grew overconfident in my abilities," he said simply. "As a result, I made a mistake. This is the consequence."

He had hoped the answer would be enough to satisfy Caleb's curiosity, but Caleb's eyes had already taken on that intent focus he got when he came upon a topic of interest. "And no one could heal it?" he pressed. "Is it magical in nature?"

"It doesn't matter." Irritation crept into his voice. Essek took a breath to quell it. "This is a lesson I am meant to learn," he continued more calmly. "When I come of age in my next life, the anamnesis will fall upon me, and I will recall my current self. I will remember the consequences of my past actions, and will know to avoid making those same mistakes again. My weakness now will make me stronger in the future. It is...a subtle blessing."

Caleb studied him thoughtfully. "And your ultimate goal," he replied slowly. "It is to attain perfection, ja?"

Essek smiled. _"Ja."_

Caleb didn't notice the playful teasing. He leaned forward to fold his hands over his knees, his gaze locked upon Essek's. "Why is perfection so important to your people?"

A soft laugh tumbled over Essek's lips. "Why wouldn't we want to be perfect?" he countered.

"Perfection can be...boring." Caleb rubbed his chin, his brows drawing together in consideration. "I am not perfect. You accepted me for my flaws. Perhaps they are what caught your interest. Were I perfect, I would be different. Less interesting."

"Perfection isn't about being interesting, Caleb. It's about proving that you can be better than what you are, and making yourself worthy enough to join with the Light." This time, it was Essek who leaned forward to rest his arms against his thighs. "Imagine an entire civilization dedicating their lives to improving themselves," he continued earnestly. "Imagine them seeking new knowledge and learning new skills, discovering new ways to live in harmony with one another and the world around them. Growing stronger and smarter and more powerful with each lifetime that passes." A moment of wonder struck him at his own description. He studied Caleb's expression, trying to catch some sign of that same wonder reflected back at him. Seeing nothing, he tried a different approach. "Your friend," he said. "The one who keeps offering me drinks. Beau?"

"Ja?"

"The first time I came to visit, she was struggling to be hospitable. It was obviously not something that came naturally to her. Your green friend was coaching her, though, and she was making a concerted effort to improve." Essek tapped his chest. "The urge to achieve personal growth is in our nature. How else but through the blessing of consecution can that desire be fulfilled?"

The thoughtful expression returned to Caleb's face. He nodded slowly, but didn't smile. "That is true," he said. "But I have a thought. This consecution process...being reborn until you are perfect..." He paused and leveled a hard look at Essek. "What then?"

"What do you mean?"

"You are reborn," Caleb said. "Your soul is perfected. You live another lifetime, and yet there is no more knowledge to gain. No more skills to master. You simply exist, knowing there is nothing left to learn." He grimaced. "That would be torture to me. No more books to read. No more magic to acquire. When you know everything, there will be nothing left to know."

Essek was silent for a long moment. He had never actually considered that. But the Luxon's blessing was absolute. Only an umavi could truly know what their purpose in life was meant to be, and Essek's soul was far too young to speculate upon his future endeavors. "When that day comes," he replied quietly, "I will spend my final lifetime using the wisdom I have gained to guide others into the Light. Then, as an enlightened umavi, I too shall ascend into the Light, and my journey will be complete."

Caleb hummed and let himself sink up to his neck. "I find it difficult to imagine spending multiple lifetimes looking forward to the moment of my final demise," he said.

"It's..." Essek sighed. "We have priests," he offered. "Perhaps you would be interested in learning more about the blessings of the Luxon from them?"

Caleb laughed into the water. "Learning, yes," he said around a mouthful of bubbles. "Converting...maybe not so much. Priests can be a pushy lot."

Well, that much was true. Essek shrugged in acceptance of the answer. "When the Dynasty finally defeats the Empire, there will be many new converts seeking to experience the promise of perfection granted by the Luxon. If you are truly interested, you should seek out the priests before they grow too busy."

"...Ja."

Caleb ducked his head under the water and began to scrub at his hair. Essek frowned at the careless dismissal of what should have been an enticing offer. Did Caleb really not care about the prospect of perfecting himself? Or was he already saddled to lesser god, one who had laid claim to his imperfect soul? Essek couldn't see the appeal of choosing to live only one life, but if it made Caleb happy...

He sighed and shook his head, then reached for a bar of soap. This was not the romantic date he had envisioned. The entire thing seemed one-sided. True, Caleb had thought to contribute a flower and a candle to the experience, but the effort seemed more coached than genuine. He hadn't done it because he thought it was romantic; he'd done it because someone _told_ him it was romantic.

_...I don't think he's interested in me._

Essek switched to the scrubbing cloth and worked at his arms as Caleb came back up for air. Aside from the interrogation over magic and religion, Caleb hadn't really asked Essek much about himself. Nothing except the obvious, of course. Essek rubbed his thigh self-consciously. There was more to him than a couple of useless legs and a penchant for magic. Why didn't Caleb ask him about his personal interests? His talents outside of magic, his opinions on things outside of the politics of war?

_It's because I told him not to,_ he suddenly realized. _I remember––I told him I liked to collect information, but that I didn't like to share it. He has such a good memory. He would remember that. And I think he would respect it. I'd already offered information about dunamancy and the Luxon, so he probably thinks those are safe subjects. That same holds true with my injury. What else? Books. He knows he can talk about books. I need to give him more openings. How do I do that without sounding self-centered?_

"Can you feel that?"

Essek looked up in surprise, then down to follow Caleb's gaze. Caleb was looking into the water, where Essek's hands had been absently kneading the sides of his thigh. Essek immediately pulled his hands back to cross them over his stomach.

"A bit," he replied cautiously. "I lose sensation midway to my knees." He paused, then added, "My lower legs are completely numb. I can't feel my feet at all. But I do have some mobility in my thighs," he added in a lighter tone. "Side to side, mainly. Just a little. Front to back is...much more difficult."

Caleb's eyes narrowed. He leaned forward––then reached out to press his fingertips against the middle of Essek's thigh. Essek flinched, his eyes widening in surprise, and Caleb quickly pulled his hand back. "Did that hurt?"

"Ah––no," Essek managed. "I just––it's been a long time since anyone has touched me there. I wasn't expecting it."

Caleb hummed and reached out again. He prodded gently at Essek's upper thigh, then slowly made his way down. "Tell me when you can no longer feel it."

_Oh, I'm feeling everything, right now..._ A surge of heat washed through Essek and began to pool between his legs. He bit his lip as Caleb's strong fingers caressed his skin. Did he have any idea what this was doing to Essek? Was he doing it in purpose?

Essek felt Caleb's fingers reach the point at which he could no longer register sensation, and he let out a breath of disappointment. "There," he said. "I can't feel you anymore."

"Ah." Caleb ran his thumbs over Essek's knee––then lifted his leg entirely and sat back to rest Essek's foot upon his lap. Essek nearly slipped off his seat, and grabbed the edge to keep himself upright. Without a word, Caleb began to stroke the sides of Essek's calf. He didn't seem at all put off by the shrunken musculature; he rubbed palms along the narrow curves without hesitation, sending the hot water rippling back and forth between the sides of the pool.

_A massage. He remembers._

Fingers still gripping the edge of his seat tightly, Essek could only stare silently at the human, his mouth agape in shock. His heart thrashed wildly in his chest. This was far more than what he had expected to come of this encounter, and he was entirely unprepared to deal with it. He was excited––and afraid. What was Caleb thinking? Was he making silent judgements? Taking notes to better describe the moment to his friends later? No, Caleb wouldn't do that. _But what if?_

Essek took a breath and forced himself to relax. This was good. Caleb was comfortable with him. Isn't that what Essek had wanted? He rubbed at his arm, his gaze still fixed upon Caleb's face. So flat and emotionless... Someone less familiar with him would think him a witless fool, seeing that dull expression. But Essek knew better. Caleb was a thinker, just like Essek himself. Seeing everything, noting everything, pondering everything. There was an entire world trapped inside that enigmatic mind of his.

Essek hoped to one day be a part of it.

"It was nearly a century ago," he said quietly. Caleb's eyes flicked up, and Essek licked his lips nervously before continuing. "I was newly consecuted, and eager to prove my worth. There was a dilapidated house near the Bastion that was due to be taken down and rebuilt as servants quarters, but there was concern about the noise and mess such a project would generate. Having recently mastered the secrets of gravitational fields, I thought I would simply lift the entire house and move it to a quieter location for demolition."

Caleb's touches slowed, then moved downwards to curl around his foot. "It was too heavy," he guessed, and Essek laughed.

"Oh, no. I was able to lift it easily. I certainly had the skill I needed." He let out a heavy sigh. "Unfortunately, I didn't think to consult an engineer or an architect before tearing it from its foundation. It turns out that damaging the structural integrity of an existing building causes it to crumble. Pieces were falling out of it. _Large_ pieces. _Heavy_ pieces. I flung my power towards them to keep them from falling, but in doing so, my focus on the house itself wavered. I lost control over it, and the house fell." Essek paused, and his voice grew softer. "On me."

Essek couldn't feel Caleb's fingers, but he could tell that Caleb had stopped stroking his foot. The human was staring at him again, that keen intelligence flickering intently behind those icy blue eyes. "You were concerned about the damage our tree was causing in our tower," he noted, and Essek chuckled.

"It was _very_ disconcerting." He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "My body was crushed from the waist down," he continued. "I was very fortunate that the healer's barracks were nearby; I was tended to immediately, and thus my life was spared. But there are limits to what a healer can do. I survived, and I was whole, but I was...incomplete."

Caleb ran his hand down the length of Essek's leg, then carefully lowered it back to the floor of the pool. He shifted his attention to the other leg, his hand settling upon the dark thigh and resting there. "Then this is common knowledge?"

"Not exactly. The healers are aware of it, of course. A few witnesses saw the accident, but do not know if its consequences. I did share it with the Bright Queen and my Den Mother, and a few of the senior council members are aware of it as well." Essek smiled and laid his hand upon Caleb's. "And now you."

He expected Caleb to pull his hand away. Instead, Caleb left it where it was. Not wanting to press his luck, Essek drew his hand back instead, and Caleb gave his thigh a slight squeeze. "You are ashamed of what happened?"

"...Yes," Essek admitted. "But not at the moment. Not with you."

Caleb's eyes lowered. His hand was just above Essek's knees. Slowly, he moved it up to the midway point, right were the sensation returned. There, he paused, and Essek let out a soft breath.

_Just take the chance._

"You can keep going, Caleb. Touch whatever you'd like."

Caleb's eyes darted up to lock upon Essek's. He was silent for several seconds before responding. "Is that what you want?"

"Only if you want it as well."

For a moment, Caleb didn't move. Then, with the abrupt decisiveness that Essek was growing to expect from him, he stood and stepped forward. One hand slapped against the ledge behind Essek's shoulder to brace his weight, and his knees knocked apart Essek's thighs. Essek leaned back automatically as Caleb bowed over him, his breath quickening in anticipation.

_Light be praised, he's actually going to do it––_

His thoughts cut off as Caleb tilted his head to catch his lips. Essek responded eagerly, his arms rising from the water to hook around Caleb's ribs so his fingers could curl into the damp reddish-brown hair at the nape of the human's neck. Caleb had a commanding side, he realized distantly. It was... _exciting._ Essek hadn't realized how arousing the prospect of being dominated could be. If Caleb was planning to take that approach, Essek was hardly going to argue with him.

_Go ahead, pretty human. Take control. Tell me what you want, and I'll do it. Blessed Light, I'll do it..._

Caleb was someone who learned quickly. Only a day earlier, Essek had needed to teach him how to kiss; now, his tongue danced around Essek's as though he had kissed a hundred men before. His lips were soft, smooth, supple, burning against Essek's with a passion the Shadowhand hadn't thought Caleb possessed.  Caleb's free hand gripped the back of his neck to hold him in place, then swept up to run through his hair, and finally began to drag downwards with a maddening slowness. His palm pressed against the base of Essek's throat; his fingertips grazed the hard peak of one nipple; his thumb traced the dip of his navel. The heat building with Essek was all-consuming; he moaned into Caleb's mouth, his own hands slipping down to grip Caleb's hips. He wanted to pull the human closer. He wanted to share the heat that was burning him alive, to seek out a release for the pressure that had been building within him for decades. His hand slid further back to grip the curves of the human's backside, and his fingers curled into the hot crease between them––

Caleb abruptly pulled back. Essek dropped his hands, disappointed and breathless. Above him, Caleb's face was a deep red, his chest heaving as he, too caught his breath. "This may be leading to things faster than I am ready for," he mumbled.

Essek swallowed and nodded. It took a moment for him to find his voice. "Would you like to slow down?"

"Ja."

Essek grinned weakly. "Such a tease." He smoothed his palm along Caleb's hip, but made no effort to tempt him back as the human returned to his seat. Both of them were flushed from the moment. As Caleb tried to avoid eye contact, Essek kept his gaze steady upon him. His hand slipped between his thighs to cup himself. Blessed Light, he was half hard already. It was going to be difficult to ignore the insistent throbbing. Biting his lip, he forced himself to pull his hand away. It could wait until later. He'd have plenty of time, once he returned home.

"You mentioned that you don't think of it, much," he said in an effort to distract himself. "Romance, I mean. Have you _any_ amorous thoughts? Natural urges?"

Caleb nodded, wavy locks of wet hair bouncing over his eyes as he continued to stare into the water. "Urges, yes. Easily taken care of. Amorous thoughts..." He nose wrinkled, and he shook his head. "Sharing an embrace feels awkward, but it is moderately comforting. Sometimes I think it might be nice to have someone to hold." Essek nodded in understanding and started to reply, but Caleb continued. "But then I think of all the ways I might inadvertently hurt them, and then I try not to think of it anymore."

_Oh._

Essek thought back to what Caleb had told him in the library. He had burned people alive. People he had cared about. He was still suffering for the anguish he had felt afterwards. How long ago had it been? Why had he done it? Caleb's shoulders were already beginning to stoop. Even the mere mention of hurting someone was enough to make him withdraw. Essek chewed his lip thoughtfully, and decided keep the questions to himself.

"Do you actively avoid relationships, then?" he asked instead.

"I think...yes?" Caleb finally looked up, his expression twisted in confusion. "I do not want to hurt the people I care about. It is better to simply not care."

"Caring about people is what make life worth living," Essek replied. "It can be painful, true, but the alternative is to remain empty. There is nothing more painful than the ache of emptiness." He paused, then leaned forward to rest his weight upon his thighs. "If you are that worried about hurting someone, why not turn your affection towards those who can handle pain? There are many who are able to hold their own against an uncontrollable force." He smiled warmly. "Love can be far more powerful than even the strongest spell. Even on your worst days, it will hold you together."

Caleb looked down again. "I don't think I can be loved," he muttered.

"I look forward to seeing you proved wrong."

Caleb sighed. Without another word, he rose from his seat and began to climb out of the pool. Essek's gaze skipped appreciatively over his naked body, and followed him hungrily as the human walked back to the pile of discarded clothes along the wall.

"Done with me, are you?"

"For now." Caleb toweled himself off and began to yank on his pants with short, hard tugs. "Do you know of any erotic bookshops in Rosona? I will need to expand my knowledge on the subject of romance and the things that come of it."

Essek quirked an eyebrow. "I'll ask around," he replied. "We can go together. Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Caleb agreed, then stopped and shook his head. "Ah––wait. When? I will be joining the others tomorrow evening to scout out an alchemy shop."

_Oh, really? And why might you be doing that?_ "I have a busy afternoon," Essek said aloud. "The morning would be best. Will that work for you?"

"Ja. I will see you at that time." Caleb jammed his feet into his boots and started to slip on his coat. As he tugged absently on the fabric to straighten it across his shoulders, Essek leaned back against the ledge.

"Caleb," he said as the wizard started to move towards the door. "If you wouldn't mind, I could use some encouragement. What are your thoughts about me, so far?"

"I have many thoughts about you. You wish to hear them all?"

Essek grinned. "I meant in regards to any manner of attraction or romantic inclination you may feel towards me. You said you weren't sure before. How do you feel now?"

Caleb didn't answer right away. "I feel curious," he said slowly. "And confused. I don't really know what to say to make you happy. You are hard to read."

Essek burst into a laugh that echoed through the small chamber. "I could say the same about you," he said cheerfully. "What a pair we make."

Caleb didn't share his amusement. "I am concerned that I may be a disappointment to you," he said seriously. "You want perfection. I will never be perfect. But I am okay with that. There is a certain amount of beauty in one's flaws, I think."

"Do you think me flawed, Caleb?"

Caleb straightened, and his finger jabbed towards Essek with a sudden intensity. "That is a trap," he accused. "Calling you flawed would be an insult, and after when I just said, saying you are _not_ flawed would imply that I find you unattractive, which might also be––"

"Just tell me I'm pretty, Caleb."

Once again, Caleb fell silent. His hands rose to the fur-lined collar of his coat, and he gave it a quick tug to let it nestle against his neck. "You are very handsome. Essek. But you are hard to see. You spend too much time hiding." He turned and threw open the door. "Goodbye."

The door snapped shut behind him.

Essek remained in the slowly cooling water, his smile fading as he thought Caleb's words over.

He stayed there for a long time.


	5. Chapter 5

**\--- Chapter 5 ---**

 

Essek roused slowly from his meditative rest.

It had been a long night. Between the rescheduled debriefing, an unexpected consultation with the Clerk of Penance, a consequential report to the Bright Queen, and several hours of completing reports and catching up on his studies, he had barely found the time to eat.

_How do humans do it? Eight hours a night. Every night. Such short lives, and half of it is spent sleeping. If I needed more than my four hours of mediation, I'd never get anything done!_

He rolled his shoulders and tilted his head back. He had forgone his bed, this time, opting instead to rest upon the plush cushion set in front of the grand window of his bedroom. It was a tall, elegant window, its stained glass paneling depicting the image of the Luxon's Beacon. Rays of light fanned out from the dodecahedron to merge into a series of geometric shapes decorating the bottom of the frame. With the perpetual light of the stars ebbing through the tinted glass, the Luxon seemed to be illuminated with a holy glow.

Smiling faintly, Essek lifted hands palms up. His body rose with the motion, levitating upright so he could get ready for the day. It would be another busy one. He would only have a few hours to spend with Caleb before needing to return to the Lucid Bastion, and it would be several days before he would have enough free time to go visiting again.

_And the last thing I get to do with him is visit an erotic book shop,_ Essek thought in amusement. _Such an unexpected invitation. He never ceases to surprise me._

Essek took some time to wash and groom, then made his way to his wardrobe. He wanted to wear something special, this time. Throwing open the doors, he let his gaze skim over his collection, and finally settled on a silky white shirt, tan trousers, and a deep purple robe with silver embroidery and a high, elegant collar. It took a while to dress, but once he presented himself to his mirror, he was pleased with his appearance. Everything was flawless.

_...Flawless..._

Essek stared at his reflection. His smile began to fade. Caleb didn't like flawless. _Beauty in imperfection._ Essek's brows drew together. This wouldn't do. Lips pursing, his raised a hand to his hair and prodded at the perfectly sculpted coif, then winced and tugged a lock free. Twirling it around his finger, he brought it forward to fall against his forehead.

_...I hate it._

Essek quickly combed it back up and patted it into place, frustrated by the thought of purposely looking messy. It took so little time to take pride in one's appearance. So little effort to reflect upon one's flaws and come up with ways to improve. Why would anyone not wish to be the best they could be?

He rubbed wearily at his face, and Caleb's voice rose in his mind: _You are hard to see. You spend too much time hiding._

_I worry too much about what people think of my appearance,_ Essek realized _. When did that happen? When did I come to the conclusion that if I am not perfect, I must be ugly? Caleb was right. Look at me––so fixated on perfection that I can't even handle having a single lock of hair out of place. So afraid that people will see my imperfections that I keep myself shrouded and avoid letting people get too close._

_Isn't that in itself a flaw?_

Essek frowned at his reflection––then, with grim resolution, shrugged out of his robe.

He'd need to make a few changes before meeting with Caleb.

It was nearly an hour later that he made his way through the Firmaments and down the road that led to what the Mighty Nein were apparently referring to as 'Xhorhaus'. A quaint name, if a bit redundant, but Essek was certainly happy that they felt so comfortable in their new accommodations.

It was early enough that few people were on the street to notice the dark-robed Shadowhand gliding past their houses. Essek was glad for it; though he prided himself on being able to mask his emotions behind a pleasant smile, he had no doubt that his tension would be obvious to anyone who cared to look at him. He could feel the muscles across his back growing tighter, could feel his jaw clenching and his lips pressing thin. He had made a difficult decision this morning, and he was already regretting it––but he was going to see it through to the end. He owed it to Caleb.

And he owed it to himself.

A raspy meow caught his attention as he neared the house. Essek halted and looked down to find a spotted cat trotting up to him. Caleb's familiar? Essek looked up curiously. He didn't see the wizard anywhere.

_"Nyaaaao."_

The cat bumped its hip against the bottom hem of Essek's robe, trotted a few paces to the left, then turned around and meowed again. When Essek didn't move, it walked back, turned a circle, then trotted to the left again and meowed impatiently over its shoulder.

"You want me to follow you?"

The cat meowed louder at the question and took off running. Concerned, Essek glided after it, following it down a narrow side street. At the other end stood a figure: dark purple coat lined with fur, travel-stained boots, slightly messy reddish brown hair. The cat ran to Caleb's feet and curled around them, its tail coiling around his ankles as Essek caught up.

"Good morning," Caleb greeted in his soft, faintly accented voice. "I apologize for the distraction. The others would become insufferable if you were to visit me three days in a row."

Essek's mouth went dry. "Are you embarrassed of me?" he asked quietly.

"Of you?" Caleb seemed surprised. "No. Of them. After the last time––" He scowled and shook his head. "No privacy. And they snoop. And Jester wants to hop on your back and ride you around, so..." He trailed off with an uncomfortable cough, and Essek offered a relieved chuckle.

"I'll make a note of that," he replied wryly. "At the moment, the only person who has permission to ride me is you." His gaze flicked down to the cat, who was now sitting with one leg up to lick at its toes. "Your familiar is remarkably loyal," he added. "I don't believe it was with you, yesterday."

"Frumpkin is always with me. He is not always visible." Caleb snapped his fingers. The cat vanished, and Caleb smiled. "He is a good and happy cat, and he always comes back to me. Always."

"A good cat indeed." Essek cleared his throat and glanced around. "Actually," he said slowly, "I'm rather glad you chose to meet me away from the others. I, uh...I thought about what you said yesterday, and I've decided to...to take a risk, I suppose."

Caleb's brows furrowed. His gaze skipped over Essek's shrouded form, and Essek swallowed thickly. _Okay,_ he told himself. _Just do it. He won't judge you._ Without a word, he banished his levitation spell––then the illusion he had been maintaining. His perfectly coifed hair was now brushed back and unstyled, already rustling in the slight breeze. His black robe shortened to a simple cloak, open in the front to reveal the silver filigree of his leg braces. At his sides, with his hands clenched tightly upon the handles, were the crutches he had once used decades ago, back when the many painkillers he had been taking had left him unable to concentrate on maintaining his levitation spell. The backs of the crutches arched up to his upper arm, circling there to keep them from falling on the off chance Essek lost his grip. With his weight braced upon the handles, they would allow him to limp along slowly, but surely.

Caleb said nothing. His eyes narrowed as he took in the change, and Essek felt his throat begin to close. He felt incredibly vulnerable, and though he knew it was impossible, he had the distinct impression that every eye on the city was fixed upon him. His fingers curled even tighter around the handles of his crutches, his arms quivering as his palms began to sweat.

"This is not necessary," Caleb finally said. "I did not mean for you to force yourself to––"

"No," Essek interrupted. "This is––" He hesitated, then let out a deep sigh. "This'll be good for me. I need the practice."

"Not when you are unaccustomed to it."

"And how does one become accustomed to something without first exposing themselves to it?"

Caleb tilted his head. After a moment, he nodded. "Ja, okay. Which way to the books?"

Essek let out another sigh. The tension in his shoulders relaxed––but only slightly. "It's a bit far from here," he admitted. "If you don't mind following me..."

"Lead on."

Essek lifted his chin to indicate the direction. As Caleb set off, Essek lurched forward. He had practiced a little before setting out, but the movements were still awkward. He jerked one thigh forward to get his leg out, then hopped one crutch after it. After a moment's pause, he did the same with his other side. It made for a slow, shuffling gait, one that left him bent slightly forward in order to keep his balance. He remembered this: the frustration, the embarrassment, the uncomfortable pressure in his hands––but also the determination to regain his mobility and the vindictive pride of succeeding.

_The mortal body is such a powerful thing. It can endure so much damage, yet can continue to function long after a lesser creature would curl up and die. My condition is not a weakness. It is a strength. I need to remember that._

He took several shaky steps forward, his feet angling inwards and dragging a little as he adapted to the movements. Caleb was walking briskly ahead of him; Essek bit his lip and tried to move faster. All he needed was find his rhythm. Once he got that down, the rest would be easy.

He hoped.

With his eyes fixed on the ground before him in search of potential obstacles, Essek didn't immediately notice Caleb slowing down to match his pace. When he did, he glanced up in mingled relief and annoyance. "Am I too slow for you?" he asked.

"Not at all. I am in no rush."

Essek could feel heat rising to his cheeks. He shook his head to let his hair fall over his face. The only thing keeping him from instinctively reaching up to straighten it was the knowledge that he would pitch forward and fall flat on his face the moment he did so. The feeling of hair brushing against his cheek was maddening, but he forced himself to ignore it. He needed to learn. He needed to adapt. There was no easy way to travel the path of the umavi, and moments like this would ultimately be what earned him the blessing of the Luxon.

They stepped out into a larger road. It was still too early for heavy foot traffic, but several citizens were making early rounds for errands while shopkeepers set out their displays. Essek began to breathe a little heavier, both in exertion and barely suppressed panic. He kept his eyes forward and down; though he usually swept his attention around his surroundings in search of potential danger, he found he couldn't bear the thought of meeting anyone else's gaze. "Are people looking at me?" he asked softly.

"You have earned a few glances," Caleb said. "But no one cares as much as you think they do. No one is staring." Essek breathed out a sigh of relief, and Caleb continued. "You look very different without your robe and mantle. Your hair, too. If I did not know you personally, I would not recognize you."

"Good." Essek jerked his chin up again at the end of the street to indicate where to go next. Caleb started to walk, then paused to frown at him.

"Why do this?" he asked. "You are obviously uncomfortable."

"I'm doing this _because_ I'm uncomfortable," Essek said. "It's not enough to simply accept my imperfections; I must _embrace_ them." He paused, then sighed. "This is not a permanent change," he added in a low murmur. "It's just an experiment. Small steps."

"Small steps," Caleb agreed. "But do not be prideful. Ask for help if you need it."

They continued onward. Essek chanced a glance sideways as a couple of half-orcs walked past them. One gave him a brief, disinterested look before disregarding him with a soft snort; the other ignored him entirely. Essek lowered his eyes, his shoulders rolling to shake off his anxiety. He was used to walking proudly, to commanding respect and having people make way for him as he glided along.

_This is...an adjustment._ He took a breath and let it out slowly, then looked back to Caleb. "You mentioned scouting an alchemy shop tonight," he said. "For what reason?"

Caleb shrugged. "We are only following up on an interesting piece of information. If we find anything that would compromise the safety of your people, we will let you know."

Essek narrowed his eyes. Once again, Caleb was telling him the truth, but leaving out the details he knew Essek wanted. "Does this mean you've decided to formally ally yourself with the Dynasty?" he asked.

"Ah." A faint smile crossed over Caleb's face. "That is a difficult question. There is much still to learn about your people and your politics." He rubbed his jaw, and made a turn as Essek gestured down another street. "I was raised to believe that Xhorhas was a place of evil," he said after a few moments of contemplative silence. "All of its citizens were monsters to either be controlled, conquered, or killed. Yet now I have seen them, and I see something very familiar. They are just people. All they wish is to live their lives, same as the people of the Empire."

Essek huffed out a mirthless laugh. "That is a very interesting answer. It doesn't quite match my question, though."

"Then your question is too broad. Be more specific."

Essek arched a brow. "Very well. You have already done the Dynasty a great service. If we were to ask you to fight for us, would you?"

"Ehh...I would be reluctant to agree to that," Caleb said. "In times of war, it is the common people who suffer. They are not the enemy."

"What if the fight were only against soldiers?"

Caleb hummed uncertainly, and Essek considered his next suggestion carefully.

"What if...it were the political figures we target?" he asked slowly. "The ones responsible for the war being declared?"

_"Ah!"_ Caleb's finger stabbed the air and waggled excitedly. "Now _that_ is a good question. _That_ is a question I can definitely answer. But the answer would be my own. I can not speak for the rest of my party." He tapped his fingertips together, then clasped his hands tightly. "You asked where my loyalties lie. For now, it is to my friends. I will follow wherever they lead."

Essek thought the answer over. It was promising, but not a promise. Caleb was not yet of the Dynasty, but there was still potential to bring him into the Light. Essek would ask again another time.

It took a half hour before to reach their destination. Essek's arms shook with the effort of supporting his weight upon them, and his back ached from the unaccustomed twisting of his hips. Oddly enough, there was a strange sense of exhilaration twining through the pain. He had walked all this way. Not floated–– _walked._ No one had laughed at him. No one had stared at him. _No one had cared._ This certainly wasn't something Essek intended to make an habit of, but still... it was a relief to know he had options.

At the end of the street was a neatly constructed building painted a subtle pink. A large sign had been nailed along the sweeping eaves, its lettering elegant and glittering: _The Silken Cove._ Beneath it, in smaller print: _Erotic Art, Literature, and Gifts._

"Well," Essek said as he read the sign. "I wish I'd known of this establishment in my younger years."

"You are still young," Caleb said.

"Compared to you, I am ancient."

"Age is not necessarily indicative of maturity."

Essek chuckled and hobbled across the street towards the door. "Very true," he murmured. "So tell me, Caleb. Do you come to these sorts of places often?"

"If I can." Caleb wavered, his feet shuffling impatiently as he fought between dashing forward and staying at Essek's side. "I once found a very good book on magic in such a shop. Now I always check. Just in case."

"I doubt there will be any grimoires in here," Essek said with a wry grin, "but browsing should be entertaining, at the very least."

Caleb darted ahead of him to open the door, and bounced eagerly on his toes as Essek thumped his way inside. The interior of the shop was lit with several small lanterns emitting a gentle blue glow. A counter was set up directly across from the door, with shelves of books stretching out to the left. Behind the counter was a curtained off doorway. Essek started to lean in an effort to see through the crack between the fabric and the doorframe, then jerked back in surprise as a green head popped up from behind the counter.

"Hello!" greeted a goblin in a shrill, raspy voice. "Welcome to The Silken Cove! If you're looking for Narrel, she stepped out. But I can help you!" She ducked her head down and shuffled about, then stood taller as she climbed atop a stepstool. "Okay, all set. Whatcha want?"

Essek glanced sideways. Caleb had already wandered off to start reading book titles. Smiling, Essek looked back at the goblin. "You are not the owner, then?"

"Naw, I'm just the assistant. My name's Chak." Chak peered suspiciously towards Caleb as he started flipping through a book. "Did you want help finding anything, or were you just browsing?" she asked sharply. "This isn't a library, you know. Don't go thinking you can just stand in the darkest corner reading the naughty bits. Every time someone makes a mess, I'm the one who has to clean it up!"

Essek's brows arched. "Noted."

"Ah, yes, hello, excuse me." Caleb shoved the book back onto the shelf and approached the counter. "I am looking for instructional manuals detailing the intricacies of sexual relations. Where might I find those?"

"What, you want to learn how to have sex?" Chak's face twisted in confusion. "You don't learn it. You just _do_ it. Or did you want information about reproductive functions? That's more of a medical subject, we don't––"

"I meant, ah, graphic descriptions of the process involved in the act of lovemaking."

"So smut," Chak said flatly. "That's literally every book in here. What kind do ya want?"

"Ah...no." Caleb winced and tapped the side of his head rapidly, his eyes scrunching shut as he tried again. "What I mean is, do you have anything with step-by-step instructions of what is necessary to please a partner? Illustrations would be helpful, and a focus on drow anatomy would be greatly preferred."

"Give him the Sama Kutra," Essek suggested.

_"Ooh!"_ Chak's face brightened, and she hopped off of the stool and scuttle out from behind the counter. "Yeah, we have a few copies of that, hold on."

As she darted to the end of the rectangular room, Caleb cast Essek a curious look. "Sama Kutra?"

"It's an ancient book of erotic illustrations detailing multiple sexual positions," Essek explained. "Each page includes information on what is happening and what makes it pleasurable. It was banned for over a century before being put back into print, though there are many who are advocating for it to be banned again. They feel that the drow race should lift themselves above such perversions––as though elves don't have the same lustful desires as any other race." He rolled his eyes and shuffled forward to lean against the counter. Was there a chair anywhere he could rest on? He looked around and sighed. No. Of course not. He adjusted his grip and did his best to lodge his legs into a position where he could at least lock his knees enough to shift a bit of weight to his feet.

"Here you go, hon, got you a nice, fresh copy." Chak hurried back around the counter, hopped up upon the stool, and thumped a large, leather-bound book upon the countertop. "Fifty silver. I'll keep it up here while you think about it."

"I do not need to think about it. I will pay you." Caleb slipped his hand into the folds of his coat and brought out his coin pouch. Tugging upon the tie, he withdrew a single silver coin. "One." He set it on the counter and pulled out another coin. "Two." He set it next to the first and nudged the flaps of the coin pouch wider pull out a third coin. "Three."

Chak watched him for a moment, then bent to pull out a thin ledger. "I'll, uh. Just go head and record the purchase, then."

"Seven. Eight. Nine."

As Caleb counted out his money, Essek turned his attention to Chak. "Thank you for your assistance," he said as she scribbled the sales information into her ledger. "You're quite knowledgeable about your inventory."

"Yeah?" The tiny goblin perked up proudly. "Narrel doesn't like me to be out front, because she says I'm ugly and annoying and I scare away the customers. But I've read every book in this shop. _Every single book!_ I can answer any question you got."

Essek grinned. "That's quite a lot of reading."

"I just–– _I love porn."_ Chak hugged the ledger to her chest, her round yellow eyes gleaming happily.

"Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen."

Essek glanced at Caleb. The wizard seemed entirely focused upon the coins. Brows lofting, Essek leaned down as far as he could and lowered his voice. "There _is_ something you could help me with," he said quietly. "I'm looking for a very particular kind of story. A human-centric romance set in the Empire."

"Oh," Chak whispered back. "You want the secret stash. Yeah, I can help you. We keep 'em in the back." She jerked her thumb over her shoulder to indicate the curtained off area behind the counter. Essek flicked his attention to the curtain, then back again.

"You don't put them out?"

"Not really a market for Empire stories. And they're kinda political. We don't want to get accused of attempting to dismantle the establishment of the Dynasty. Anything like that, we tuck away with the really nasty stuff." Chak folded her arms upon the countertop and leaned forward to lower her voice even more. "So what are you thinking? Something delicate and fluffy, or are you more of a hardcore sex without plot kinda guy?"

Essek looked behind her shoulder again. _Secret stash._ Essek loved secrets. He wanted to know exactly what was back there, especially if it meant uncovering evidence of authors criticizing the Dynasty. "I'd like something with character development and some manner of plot," he said distractedly. "Mystery stories and political intrigue are greatly preferred."

"Hmm..." Chak tapped one dark claw against her chin. "Well, we've got mysteries, humans, and politics, but not all in one book. Is one more important than the others?"

"Humans," Essek said. "Authentic, culturally accurate representations of them."

"Twenty-seven. Twenty-eight. Twenty-nine."

Chak's gaze shifted from Essek to Caleb and back again. A slow, knowing smile crept along her knobby face. "Okay," she said. "Yeah. We've got four Empire-setting human books you might like. _Heaving Tides,_ featuring a human pirate his secret goblin lover––one of my favorites, I might add. Then we've got _The Lusty Lover,_ which is about a human woman running off to foreign lands to track down a spy, only to fall in love with her. There's also _The Sultry Sorcerer,_ which is about a human sorcerer seeking to experiment with a variety of other races in an effort to uncover the secret of love, and finally _Passion of the Empire,_ if you're into group sex with court drama and political intrigue. That one actually comes from the Empire," she added in an undertone. "It's full of propaganda, and it's banned in–– _oops."_ She dropped her voice to a whisper. "It's restricted in several cities in Xhorhas."

"Including this one?"

"Let's just say I wouldn't recommend leaving it out on your reading table."

"I'll take the lot." Essek angled his head to make another attempt to see around the curtain. "Exactly how filthy are these, by the way?"

"It's smut. It's _all_ filthy."

Essek bit back a scathing comment and forced himself to look back to the goblin. "I want the most depraved thing you have," he said firmly. "The kind that would make my wife leave me and my neighbors shun me, should they ever so much as suspect what my tastes might be." He lifted his chin to point at the curtain. "You mentioned your secret stash containing scandalous materials. If they're too graphic even for an erotic book shop, they must be quite good." He let his expression melt into the most charming smile he could manage. "Please, Chak.  Will you let me look at them? I'd gladly pay for the privilege." Chak wavered. Essek shifted his weight to one hand and made a slight gesture to call upon the fortune of dunamancy. "Please," he repeated. "It would make a broken man very happy."

The mote of fortune took hold. Chak's face softened, and she gave a curt nod. "Ten gold for five minutes," she agreed.

"It would take me that long just to get around the counter," Essek chuckled. "Would you trade me ten for ten?"

"Uh..."

"Forty-nine. Fifty." Caleb slid five neatly stacked piles of coins across the counter. "I have counted the coins, and here they are, and now the book is mine. Thank you." He grabbed the book and stuffed it into a satchel at his side without bothering to look at it. Chak quickly clapped her clawed hands over the coins and scooped them up.

"Fine," she said as she poured them into a box under the counter. "Go ahead."

"Thank you, Chak." Essek twisted to maneuver his crutches. "I'll be but a moment, Caleb," he said as he made his way slowly along the edge of the counter. "Look around some more."

"Ja, okay." As Essek started to pass him, Caleb dropped his voice to a quiet mumble. "I am detecting something magical in that back room."

"On it," Essek muttered back. He hobbled unsteadily around the counter, making a show of his difficulty in case he needed to work Chak's sympathies later. Once he got to the curtain, he nudged aside the fabric with the end of one crutch and quickly hopped past it. The moment the curtain swung shut behind him, he made a simple gesture. Immediately, a pink glow began to ebb from a book in the center left bookshelf. A second glow rose from a point beneath a dark blue carpet laid upon the floor. Essek tried to shove aside the corner of the carpet with his crutch, then thumped the crutch back into place as his body began to angle sideways. He caught himself and scowled at the floor. He tried again, this time gesturing for the carpet to rise. The corner lifted far enough to reveal a locked wooden set in the floor. Essek let the carpet drop.  He wasn't going to be able to discreetly investigate that particular source of magic.

"Need any help back there?" Chak called out.

"No, thank you. I've got it." Essek leaned against a bookshelf and awkwardly grabbed three books at random to toss atop the shelf, then lurched forward to get to the other source of magic. The pink glow faded as he banished the spell, and he picked up the book to cast an identifying spell on it instead. As he touched the worn leather, a sudden greed overcame him. This book was amazing! He had to have it. As soon as he was done reading it, he was going to tell all his friends how great it was.

Essek scrunched his eyes shut and shook his head, forcing himself to focus upon his spell. The book had been treated with a mild compulsory charm. He dispelled it, and the feeling of acquisitive greed faded. It was just a book. It didn't even look all that interesting. He flipped it open and began to read the publishing information. If the publisher was putting charms like this on all their books, they would need to be dealt with.

The curtain suddenly whisked open behind him. "Time's up!" Chak chirped. "Need help carrying anything?"

"Uh––" Essek looked down at the book he was holding, then set it atop the bookshelf. "Yes, thank you. Those three books to your left. And this one. And..." He pulled out two more random books. "These two."

"Got ourselves a reader! I like that." Chak hurried around to collect the selected books, then four additional titles––the ones she had suggested earlier, Essek supposed. As she stacked them atop the others, she lifted the formally charmed book in surprise. "Oh, hey! I remember this one! Best book I ever read! I––" She stopped, and her brows drew together in confusion. "That's odd. I don't remember what it was about. Huh. Well, I'm sure you'll love it. Find everything you wanted?"

_So she didn't know about the charm. That answers one question._ "Some," Essek said aloud. "I didn't have much time to fully explore, though. I could use some recommendations. It doesn't need to be of the Empire. I'll read just about anything." He loitered beside the bookshelf, trying to put off leaving the room. His eyes flicked again to the carpet. _Secrets and politics._ Essek had uncovered a great deal of valuable information in the past while working with far fewer clues. There was  something important under that carpet. He had to see what it was.

"Well, if you want something nasty," Chak was saying, "we've got one novel about an ogre and a gnome. It's creative, I'll give it that, but––"

"I don't think you understand how utterly depraved I am," Essek interrupted. "I need _filth._ Absolutely disgusting depictions of intercourse that would scandalize even a seasoned whoremonger. I want something that will flood me with the thrill of desire, the disgust of imagined voyeurism, the terror of being discovered, and the shame of knowing that nothing else will make my blood rise. You, who have read every book in this shop, who is a veritable expert on the subject––surely you would be able to help me?"

Chak hesitated. There was a quick flicker in her eyes: a  nearly indiscernible glance towards the carpet. Essek readied another mote of fortune. Before he could ask again, Chak began to wring her hands. "There is one," she said reluctantly. "We don't generally talk about it. If I show you, you can't mention it to anyone."

"I wouldn't dare."

"This one could get you arrested." Chak's hands clamped tightly, her wide eyes boring urgently into Essek's. He leaned down a little to lock his gaze upon hers.

"I must have it," he said quietly.

Chak let out a deep sigh and nodded. "I'll show it to you for ten gold."

Essek balanced his weight upon one crutch and took out his coin pouch. He tapped the wooden rune dangling from its ties and murmured a command; instantly, the coin pouch grew heavier, and he withdrew ten gold pieces.

"And the ten for me letting you in here," Chak reminded him. Essek handed over another ten gold. As soon as the coins were in her hands, Chak dropped to her knees and flung back the carpet to reveal the wooden door. From around her neck, she pulled off a strip of leather with a key hanging from it and unlocked the latch. Essek took the opportunity to turn his identifying spell upon the hidden door. A protective spell, one meant to prevent remote detection. Interesting.

"This is the only known copy of _Her Starlit Wonder,"_ Chak said as she opened the door and withdrew a single book. "It depicts a fictional story of an actual, living person. One of high authority." She snapped the door shut and held the book closely to her chest. "The Bright Queen," she whispered.

Essek's blood ran cold. His grip upon his crutches tightened as he sought to reign in his outrage. "Someone dared?"

Eyes round, Chak nodded her confirmation. "Handwritten," she said. "Hand bound. It was found in the basement of an abandoned property by a dealer looking to organize an estate sale. She sold it along with a bunch of junk to a consignment shop, and Narrel bought it for five silver. It wasn't until she brought it back here to price that she realized what it was. She says it's dangerous to keep, but she can't bear the thought of destroying anything so rare."

"How much?"

"One hundred platinum."

Essek gaped at her. The enchanted coin pouch he carried drew funds directly from his personal savings. He could always submit a reimbursement request from the Clerk of Finances, but there was no guarantee of it being approved. It was going to be difficult to justify spending a hundred platinum on an erotic novel, even if it _was_ evidence of someone disparaging the honored name of the Bright Queen. "Is the story that good?" he asked.

"It's..." Chak's nose wrinkled as she looked down at the book's plain cover. "Okay, I read it," she admitted, "but I was too scared to enjoy it. It's not as filthy as those other ones you picked, but yeah, it's pretty graphic. It's about the Bright Queen going undercover in Asarius to see what the people there really think of the Dynasty. She and her Shadowhand start investigating––"

"Shadowhand Essek?"

Chak's eyes somehow managed to grow even wider. "What, he's a real person?" she hissed incredulously. "Shit, I thought the author made him up!"

There was no way Essek was going to leave without that book. He took a breath to calm himself, simultaneously trying to show interest without appearing too eager. "So what happens?" he pressed.

"They meet a handsome bugbear who introduces them to the passionate world of promiscuous sex." Chak shrugged. "Not going to lie, it's a little misogynistic, and pretty critical of the Dynasty. The Bright Queen executes a bunch of people, and the Shadowhand collects the names of everyone who needs to be tortured for information. There's an underlying theme of abusing one's power."

"I'll take it."

Chak eyed him dubiously. "We don't do payment plans," she told him. "I'll need the full amount upfront."

Essek chuckled as he brought his coin pouch out again. "Traveling is difficult for me," he said as he activated the rune again. "When I go shopping, I always make sure I have enough coin to purchase anything I might need. I don't usually spend this much, granted, but..." He held out the first handful of coins. "My dear Chak, how can I leave such a treasure behind?"

Chak snatched the coins away. Once she had the full payment jingling in her pockets, she wrapped the book in a large scrap of brown paper, tied it shut with a piece of string, then thrust it at Essek, who was quick to tuck it under his cloak. With a raspy sigh, Chak grabbed the rest of the books Essek had selected and carried them the counter. Caleb was already waiting there, his fingers drumming impatiently upon the covers of two more books.

"Ja, hi, two things," he said as Chak plopped the books next to him and started scribbling in her ledger. "First, this book is missing exactly four pages. It looks as though they were ripped out." He shoved one of the books towards her. "Also, I am interested in this book." He held up the second book to display the title: _A Touch of Magic._ "Do you know if the spells detailed within this book are actual spells, or are they just made up?"

Chak glanced up briefly, then went back to writing. "There aren't any spells in that one. It's about a nymph luring men to their deaths, and then falling in love with one who turns out to be resistant to her magical charms. Sort of a tragic romance."

"Oh. Then never mind, I am no longer interested." Caleb pushed the book aside and tilted his head to read the titles of the pile of books Chak had brought out. His brows began to furrow, and he cast Essek an inquisitive glance.

_Probably should have looked at what I was buying._ Essek offered a sheepish smile and a soft laugh. "I have so much free time, these days," he lied for Chak's benefit. "A man needs _some_ entertainment to while away the long hours, doesn't he?"

Caleb hummed, and Chak started counting up the total. "Okay, for all ten books...seventeen gold and three silver," she said. Essek pulled out his coin pouch again and started counting out coins. As he did so, Caleb scooped the ten books into his arms and leaned back so they rested against his chest. Essek cast him a grateful smile. He honestly hadn't considered how he would have carried them out, if not for the wizard's assistance. He set the last few coins upon the counter and started to shuffle around it, and Caleb moved to the door to bump it open with his shoulder.

"Thank you for your purchases!" Chak called out behind them. "Come again soon!"

Essek paused to wink at her over his shoulder. "As soon as I get home," he promised.

Chak began to laugh, and Essek hobbled past Caleb to get outside. This had been a fruitful outing. He would need to have the shopkeeper and her assistant arrested, of course. He'd interrogate them personally, then track down the owner of the consignment shop to get the name of the estate saleswoman, and then hopefully acquire the name of the person who had owned the abandoned house in which the book had been discovered. Hopefully, they would be the same person who penned the novel; otherwise, Essek would have to continue his investigation until he found the culprit.

_I hope this is the only copy of the story. If not, I'll have my work cut out for me, tracking down the rest and seeing to it that they are destroyed. Hmm. A bugbear in Asarius. That might be my first clue. A deluded author's self-insert, perhaps: a narcissistic effort to assert control over the Queen, imaginary though it might be._

_I should probably read it._

_...I hope he wrote me well._

"You've purchased quite a few books."

Caleb's calm voice drew him from his thoughts. Essek looked up in surprise, then glanced at the books in Caleb's arms. With the human walking to his right, Essek was finally able to read the titles. He skimmed over them, then grimaced. They were as shameless as the stories they contained. Clearing his throat, Essek managed a grin.

"Don't judge me for them, Caleb. I only used their purchase as a distraction so I could see what was hidden in the back room. You're welcome to take whichever ones you like."

"I think not." Caleb shifted his hold slightly as they turned a corner. "What was the magic from? There were two hits on my detection spell."

"A lockbox and a charmed book. The charm was meant to compel a patron into buying the book and promoting it to other people. I'll be following up with both the author and the publisher to see if this was intentional, or just an isolated incident."

"What of the lockbox?"

Essek laughed. "The filthiest smutty novel I've ever had the misfortune to look upon," he said cheerfully. "Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against someone exploring their personal fantasies––but some fantasies are best kept in the privacy of one's own mind."

There was a sharp stabbing sensation in Essek's upper back, one that arched along his shoulders and up his neck. He winced and detoured between two quiet buildings. "A moment, please," he said as he shuffled into the safety of the shadows. "I think I've reached my limit." Caleb followed him, and stood directly in the mouth of the alley way to prevent anyone from seeing past him. Essek withdrew his arm from one of the crutches, then waved his hand to summon his gravity spell. Instantly, his body lifted weightlessly. With a soft sigh, Essek took off his other crutch, snapped them both away, and summoned his usual robe. Once it was slung securely over his shoulders to obscure his body, he gestured again to summon a small container of pomade. It was a relief to smooth his hair back properly, though he wouldn't be able to manage his usual style. Not without a bit of water and a comb.

_Ah, this is wonderful. I can't believe how heavy I felt, using my walking aids. Did I feel that heavy before the accident? I can't even remember..._

"I am proud of you, Essek."

Once again, Essek found himself surprised by Caleb's voice. He paused in the act of combing his fingers through his hair, and slowly lowered the jar.

 "What you did today," Caleb continued. "It was brave of you." He snapped his fingers, and his familiar popped into existence. Shifting the books to one arm and resting his chin atop the stack to keep them from falling, Caleb stooped to collect the cat and shoved it against Essek's chest.  "Here. You deserve this."

Essek took the cat awkwardly. He didn't really want to hold it, but there was no reason not to. Stroking its fur absently, he glided out of the alley. "It was nothing," he said. "Just an experience long overdue." The cat was purring. Essek gave it a gentle squeeze, then set it down. "Thank you, Caleb," he said as the wizard snapped his familiar away. "I don't think I would have considered it without your encouragement."

"I did not encourage you," Caleb pointed out. "I criticized you."

"Even criticism can be encouraging, under the right circumstances." Essek slowed to a stop, then sighed. "I should get these back home," he said. "I enjoyed our outing today. It was a good suggestion." He started to reach for the books, and Caleb leaned away, one hand clamping over them protectively.

"I will carry them."

Essek stared at him for a moment, then huffed out a laugh. "I am capable of carrying them myself, Caleb."

"Fjord says it's chivalrous to carry things for other people."

_Oh, is that why you're doing it?_ Essek laughed again. "Very well. If you insist."

Caleb walked for several moments in silence. Essek glided effortlessly beside him. As they reached the next street, Caleb cast him an unreadable look. "You bought the book in the lockbox, didn't you."

Essek nearly choked. He rubbed the side of his nose to hide his smile, then shrugged dismissively. There was no point in lying. "I need to make sure it's not something that will require a recommendation that the author be imprisoned," Essek replied. "I know you said Xhorhas is believed to be filled with monsters, but even we have limits as to what manner of behavior is to be tolerated. Some acts of depravity are simply unacceptable. I would assume that if this particular book was hidden in a magical lockbox, the contents must be particularly repulsive."

"Ah. So that's why all the whispering."

Essek chuckled under his breath and continued down the road.

Caleb was too observant for his own damn good.


	6. Chapter 6

**\--- Chapter 6 ---**

 

They made their way back into the Firmaments and along the road the small, concentric district that hugged the perimeter of the Lucid Bastion. Essek led Caleb into one of the buildings that served as a set of meeting spaces for officials of the Bright Queen and glided along the arching hallways until they reached the hall that led into his personal chambers. He stopped briefly to announce his arrival to the attendant who managed his appointments and correspondences, and beckoned Caleb to follow him into the main room of his quarters.

"Thank you again, Caleb," he said as the human set the books down on the round table in the center of the room. "You really didn't need to come all this way, but I'm glad you did. I enjoy having you all to myself."

Caleb thumped his satchel upon the table and took out the book he had purchased. "This Sama Kutra," he said as he pulled open the cover. "Are you familiar with it? Is it truly reflective of drow preferences?"

"I've never actually read it," Essek admitted. "I can't imagine we're all that different than humans, though. Our physiology is very similar." He unclasped his robe and draped it over one of the table chairs, then untied the simple cloak and set it aside. He felt cold and exposed, but there was no reason to hide. Not anymore. He hovered at Caleb's shoulder and idly flipped a few pages. It was nothing special; just highly detailed illustrations of sexual positions, mostly of male and female partners. Many positions wouldn't be possible for him, given his limited range of mobility, but a few looked interesting. He lingered over one page in particular: a two-page spread that depicted two drow men intimately engaged, one laying partially on his side with his leg bent up. His partner was bowed over him, clutching the first man's leg to his chest as he thrust into his body. Their faces were close to each other, their lips parted as though they were about to kiss. The text printed on the bottom corner of the second page indicated that the positioning allowed for a slow, deep grind pleasurable to both parties.

Essek closed the book. Now was not the time to become engrossed in erotic artwork.

"Well," he said as he pointedly tucked the book back into Caleb's satchel. "You certainly got your money's worth. I hope you enjoy reading it. I can't imagine you'll find a better source of instruction."

"That is my hope." Caleb slung the satchel back over his shoulder and gave the room a cursory glance. "Why live here?" he asked. Essek hummed curiously, and Caleb gestured vaguely to the walls. "You gave us a house, but you do not have one yourself. Someone as important as I assume you to be would certainly have the means to acquire one, else have quarters directly within the Lucid Bastion. So why here?"

Essek smiled and looked over the room. It wasn't something he really thought about anymore. "It was originally a temporary arrangement," he said. "I'd just been accepted into House Thelyss, and needed to be stationed somewhere easily accessible both to my Den, my instructors, and the officials of the Lucid Bastion. I was placed here until such time as permeant living arrangements could be made. When that time came, I decided to stay here instead. I liked the location, I liked the accommodations, and I was particularly enamored with the craftsmanship of the window in my bed chambers. I didn't want to leave it behind."

Caleb cast him an odd look. "You stayed for a window?"

Essek's smile widened. "A _beautiful_ window, yes. Looking upon it fills me with a sense of peace and wonder. I go to sleep gazing upon the image of the Luxon, and wake with it being the first thing I see. It's humbling to bask in the Luxon's Light, even if it's only an artistic representation of it." He paused, and his gaze flicked to his bedroom door before continuing. "I don't usually invite guests to view it," he said delicately, "but you are welcome in my bedroom whenever it pleases you...if you're interested?"

Caleb looked towards the door in the back of the room. He cocked his head curiously, then nodded. "Ja, okay."

Essek's heart skipped a beat. He glided eagerly to his bedroom door and laid his hand upon the knob, then turned back to Caleb in sudden caution. "Just to be clear," he said, "I'm inviting you into my bedroom in the hopes that you'll be receptive to an additional invitation of sexual intercourse. The window is just an excuse to coax you in there."

"...Oh." Caleb curled his hand around the strap of the satchel and stared at the painted wood of the door. "This is it, then."

_This is it? The hell does_ that _mean?_

Essek's brows furrowed, and his fingers fell from the doorknob. "It doesn't have to be," he said.

There was a long pause. Caleb remained at the table, his eyes narrowed at the door. Finally, he nodded, dropped his satchel, and walked closer. Essek opened the door and drew back, and Caleb wandered into the bedroom. He paused several paces in to regard the stained glass window mutely, then looked around the rest of the room. Despite the acceptance of the invitation, there was a distinct lack of enthusiasm in the human's demeanor. That was normal for Caleb, of course––but it was not the reaction Essek had been hoping for. Drifting into the room and quietly shutting the door, Essek quickly glanced around. There was a slight wrinkle in the sheets on the corner of the bed; a discarded robe had been left folded on a table instead of being put back into the wardrobe; the comb he had used that morning was still laying on his nightstand.

"I apologize for the mess," he said. "I didn't actually expect any visitors today."

"I see no mess."

Essek folded his arms across his stomach to keep his hands from rubbing together nervously. It was difficult to be suave when his partner looked so disinterested in engaging in a romantic liaison. He didn't want to pressure Caleb into anything, but he also didn't want their first tryst to be as awkward as their courtship attempts. So far, he was off to a poor start.

_I don't know him well enough, yet. I need to spend more time studying his mannerisms, so I can read him properly. This was a mistake. I shouldn't have propositioned him so soon._

_Though I didn't actually think he'd say yes..._

Caleb finally turned to face him. "How exactly would we proceed?" he asked.

Essek looked at him in surprise. "Oh. Uh..." He rubbed the back of his head with a nervous chuckle. "Well, when two male lovers attain arousal, they typically––"

"Ja, I know that part." Caleb chopped a hand in the air to dismiss the explanation. "I meant for you. Are you able to, ah...?" He trialed off, his hand waving vaguely towards Essek's legs. Essek laughed, though he could feel the heat rising to his cheeks at the question.

"I have full functionality in that regard, yes. I can most definitely perform. Though that does bring to mind a fair question." He drifted closer, his hands clasped together to keep from betraying his uncertainty. "Would you prefer to be on the receiving end of my passions, or would you rather I submit to yours? I would take pleasure in the union, either way."

Caleb shrugged. "I will leave the choice to you."

Another careless response. Another dismissal. Essek was growing more and more uneasy at each passing moment. Caleb understood what he was asking for, didn't he? He seemed aware of the situation, but Essek had been fooled before.

"Well," Essek said slowly, "would you prefer I ask permission at each juncture, or would you rather I simply take the lead?"

"You have more experience. Do what you like."

_...No. Something isn't right. He either doesn't understand, or he doesn't want to do this. I don't want this to feel like an obligation._ Lips thinning, Essek drifted backwards a few paces. "Caleb, we don't need to proceed if you're not ready. There's no rush. I won't force myself upon you."

Caleb had been looking at the window again. As Essek spoke, he turned a sharp, intent look upon him. Slowly, he advanced until he was standing right before Essek. "I'd like to see you try."

Before Essek could react, Caleb snapped out a hand to grab Essek's belt and yanked him closer. Essek fell against him in surprise, and nearly lost control of his magic as Caleb's hand closed at the apex of his legs. Essek's lips fell open, and Caleb's mouth was suddenly on his, sucking, nipping, demanding. It was the side of Caleb Essek had only caught glimpses of before: the abrupt assertiveness of someone finally deciding to seize control of an uncertain situation. Essek's mind raced with nonsensical thoughts. It was all too easy to lose himself to the moment: he brought his hands to either side of Caleb's face and kissed him back hungrily, desperate to take in as much as he could before the wizard changed his mind again.

_Light be praised, Caleb––how do you do this to me? A single touch, and I'm already melting in your arms. I had no idea––_

His awareness finally caught up with the surge of excitement coursing through him. Essek could feel Caleb's hand lighting upon his hips, then grasping at his shirt, then pressing along his waist. _He doesn't know what to do with his hands._ Essek laughed into the kiss and pulled back. Seeing Caleb's uncertainty chased away the last threads of his own.

"Was I going too slow for you again?" Essek teased. Caleb looked at him with flushed cheeks and furrowed brows, his fingers clenching along the hem of Essek's shirt.

"I don't know what to do." There was a note of frustration in Caleb's voice, and Essek gently took his hands.

"What do you _want_ to do?" he asked.

"I don't know. Just tell me––"

"No." Essek kissed Caleb's knuckles, then released them to cup his face. Bowing closer, he rested his forehead against Caleb's and smiled. "Tell me what _you_ want," he insisted quietly. "What is it you want to do?"

Caleb's eyes clung steadily to Essek's. "I...want to take your clothes off."

"Then take them off."

Essek released him. Caleb's hands clasped together. His fingers fluttered over his knuckles. With a deep breath, he rolled one shoulder, then took hold of the hem of Essek's shirt and began to pull it up. Essek waited patiently as the wizard swept the fabric over his ribs, then folded his arms above his head to let him whisk the garment away. When the shirt was laying discarded on the floor, Caleb hesitated, and Essek cocked a crooked grin.

"I'm still dressed, Caleb."

Caleb's fingers fell upon his belt. He worked the clasp open and pulled it apart, then began to toy with the fastenings of Essek's trousers. There he stopped, his palms sliding down Essek's hips to ghost along the cool edges of his leg braces. He tilted his head thoughtfully, and Essek started to reach for the fastenings—— only to have his hands brushed aside. Caleb bent to unlatch and remove the brace, then dropped to a crouch to do the same with the attachment fixed to his foot. Essek stared down at him, startled by the deft removal of what were supposed to be complex fastenings. How did he know how to unlatch them?

_Of course. He watched me do it yesterday at the bathhouse. Such a fine memory he has..._

Caleb began to work on the other brace. It was difficult not to grin at the sight of that reddish brown hair bobbing at the level of his thighs. Essek stroked his hand over it, his fingertips combing gently through the soft, messy tresses. _Blessed Light, Caleb. You can tuck your head between my legs any time you want..._

Caleb set down the second brace, and Essek waved a hand to banish them both into storage. With a coquettish grin, he drifted backwards to get out of Caleb's reach and glided to the bed. As he sat down, he leaned back upon his palms and arched his brows expectantly. The invitation was easy enough for even Caleb to recognize. He followed Essek to the bed and stood before him. One hand brushed along Essek's cheek, and he inclined to capture his lips again. It was a softer kiss, this time: slow and tentative, a silent question and a gentle response to reassure them both that they had made the right decision.

Caleb broke away to finish peeling away the last of Essek's clothing, then shucked his coat and began to remove his own. Lower lip caught between his teeth, Essek watched appreciatively. It was by no means a sensual strip tease, but the short, jerky movements were uniquely _Caleb_. Nothing else would have suited him.

As Caleb finished undressing, Essek's eyes raked over him. Caleb was a thin man. His frame was both hard and fragile: the body of a man accustomed to walking long miles and then skipping meals once he reached his destination. It was a bad habit of magic users, who often chose to forgo food in favor of study. Essek was more careful in balancing study and recreation, but for wizards like Caleb, nothing was more important than sating their lust for arcane knowledge. Essek wasn't yet comfortable enough in their relationship to urge him to take better care of himself, but the words hovered readily behind his lips. He bit them back and fell backwards upon his elbows as Caleb looked at him again. With his eyes locked upon Caleb's, Essek spread his bare thighs apart as far as he could manage. It wasn't much, but it was enough to issue another unmistakable invitation: _Do whatever you want to me. I'm ready._

Caleb's fingers clenched and unclenched at his sides. He rubbed momentarily at his brows, then sucked in a short breath and pressed his palms together. "Okay," he muttered. "Okay. Okay. Ja." He let his hand drop tentatively to Essek's thigh. There, he paused, casting Essek a quick glance in search of verification. When Essek said nothing, he slowly ran his palm along the dark grey skin, smoothing it up Essek's hip and back down to his knee. _He's gauging my reactions,_ Essek realized. That wasn't going to work. Essek was enjoying the careful caresses, but he had only a limited time before he was expected to be at his next meeting. He'd have to take over. Chucking, he pushed himself up and ran his hand along Caleb's chest.

"You're doing fine," he murmured encouragingly. "Don't force yourself to do anything you're uncomfortable with. If you want to stop, we'll stop." He brushed his lips against Caleb's chest as he spoke, then closed them over the soft nub of one nipple. Caleb hitched in another breath, and Essek slowly began to nip at it. He rolled the nub gently between his teeth, flicked it with his tongue, gave it a hard suck and then a cool blow. All the while, his fingers plucked steadily at the other nipple, coaxing it to a hard peak.

Caleb let his breath out, slow and shuddering. His arms folded over Essek's head, and Essek could feel his chin pressing against his hair. As he let his palms slide around Caleb's hips to cup his backside, Caleb muttered something intelligible. "Are you still with me, Caleb?" Essek teased. "Should I stop?" He kneaded the firm flesh as he spoke, and felt a soft huff warm the top of his head. Caleb's fingertips were curling through the silky white tresses, even as his arms curled more securely around them.

"I am not sure how to do this," he mumbled.

"Then I will guide you." Essek gave Caleb's chest a gentle push. "Go to my nightstand," he directed. "There's a blue jar in the top drawer. We'll need it."

As Caleb turned to find the drawer, Essek looked over his shoulder to the several plush pillows piled at the head of his bed. How did he want to do this? He could roll over and tuck a few under his hips to prop himself up. Another pillow in his arms to grip and bite as he was pounded into from behind...

_Blessed Light, that would feel amazing._

But no. Caleb was inexperienced, and as much as Essek wanted to impressive him with all manner of pleasures, he didn't want to scare the human away by asking him to assume a more dominant position. He needed something simple. Something easy. Something that would take little effort on Caleb's part, while teaching him the basics of what to do next time.

If there _was_ a next time.

_Please let there be a next time._

Essek scooted himself backwards until he was resting in a semi-upright position against the pillows. As he adjusted his legs, Caleb offered him the jar. Essek grinned and took it, then patted the mattress. "Up here, please." Caleb hesitated again. Slowly, he crawled onto the bed, and Essek motioned patiently for him to straddle him. "Lubrication," he explained as he opened the jar to reveal a creamy, translucent salve. "Take some." Caleb jammed two fingers into the salve and gouged out a generous portion. Brows arching, Essek set the jar aside. "Put it on me," he murmured. "Stroke me as you'd stroke yourself."

Caleb's eyes flicked down. Essek held his breath. He was already half turgid from the heat rushing steadily between his legs. Caleb shifted his gaze to the salve––then reached down and closed his fingers around Essek's dick. Essek bit back a gasp as the cold salve sent a shock through his heated skin, then sucked upon his lower lip as Caleb began to pump him. Light be praised, he had nearly forgotten how good it felt to let someone else touch him like that...

"I read that book you gave me."

Essek's eyes slit open. "Book?" he asked distractedly.

"The crime novel."

It took a moment for Essek to recall the book he had given Caleb the day before. When he did, he huffed out a surprised laugh. He had hoped to discuss the book, true, but now was not really the appropriate time. Still, the distraction might help keep Caleb focused. Already, the human's brows were drawn in concentration, his expression that of someone soaking in every piece of information laid before him. Smiling, Essek slid his fingers over Caleb's and gently nudged them away to stroke himself. "And what are your thoughts?" he asked idly.

"Very interesting." Caleb shifted as Essek silently directed him to a better position, and his knees pressed into the mattress to either side of Essek's waist. "But I do not agree with the assessment of the investigator. The leader of House Dunan was not the culprit."

"No?" Essek quirked one brow, even as he collected another small scoop of the slick salve. "The evidence was very clear––"

"It was very _fabricated,"_ Caleb corrected. "I believe the investigator himself was the murderer, and was using his knowledge and authority to cover up the crime." Essek slipped his fingers between Caleb's legs and prodded gently between his cheeks. Caleb lifted his hips automatically, but gave no indication that he wanted Essek to stop. "The most telling evidence of this is on page ninety-four," Caleb went on. "Investigator Charren admitted that he did not care to be scrutinized, and took pains to deflect any questions directed towards him concerning his whereabouts on the nights of each murder." Essek slowly pressed two fingers inwards, then quickly withdrew them to scrutinize Caleb's face for a reaction. Caleb shifted slightly, but continued. "Furthermore, on page one-hundred and three, Charren specifically said that while the Dynasty has the best interests of their people at heart, it does not always make the best decisions in appointing leaders. He mentioned this directly after detailing the ceremony promoting Sharus Dunan to Den Mother. I believe that the murders were a distraction, as well as the supposed plot to murder Den Mother Jaraal, all so he could frame Sharus Dunan." Essek nodded absently as he slipped his fingers back into the heat of Caleb's body, and gently slid them in and out to ready him.

"I will have to read it again," he said. "Later."

"It is mentioned on page eighteen that Charren knew Sharus as a student, and that they got along poorly. Charren was––" Caleb stopped, his mouth parting mutely as Essek found the rough bump within him and began to massage it.

_"Later,"_ Essek soothed.

Caleb swallowed and bowed his head, his breath growing heavier as he let himself sink back against Essek's fingers. "Later," he whispered.

Essek chuckled and pulled his hand away, earning a soft sigh from Caleb. He ran his palms across Caleb's chest again, then his shoulders, and finally his thighs. His fingers tightened there firmly before one hand dropped the grip the base of his dick and tilt it into position. "Open yourself to me, Caleb," he murmured. "Let me in."

With his head stilled bowed and his eyes scrunched shut, Caleb slowly began to lower himself. Essek rubbed his thigh encouragingly as he guided himself into the human's body. The heat was immediate: soft and slick and hot and _perfect._ Essek inhaled deeply as he was completely enveloped, his eyes closing as he savored the sensation After a moment, he gave a slow roll of his hips. He didn't have quite the thrust he used to, but it was enough to bounce Caleb upwards. Caleb pressed his hands against Essek's shoulders to balance himself, his hair swaying forward as he gasped in surprise. Gripping his hips, Essek lifted him slightly and thrust again, seeking a harder impact and better friction.

_"Scheisse..."_ Caleb bit his lip and curled his fingers. He rocked backwards, then forwards, taking over the momentum to meet each thrust. As they fell into an easy rhythm, Essek let his head fall back in satisfaction.

_I never would have expected to want you so much,_ he thought wistfully. _The first time I saw you, you were dressed in filthy, rumpled clothing, covered in dirt, strapped into that ridiculous slave harness. You were a spy, an enemy, a murderer––and seconds later, you became a hero, a savior, a great ally to the Dynasty. It took only days for you to change my outlook in life, to make me reevaluate who I was and who I want to be._

_You're amazing._

Pressure was building within him. Essek's breaths began to grow short and ragged as he felt the tell-tale tightening of his balls. His skin felt as though it was on fire, and his insides hummed with a vibrant buzz that was quickly intensifying. Above him, Caleb lifted his face to meet his gaze. One quivering hand lit upon Essek's jaw. Essek didn't know what the gesture meant, but the warm touch sent a wave of anticipatory excitement rolling through him.

"I'm sorry, Caleb," he panted. "I won't last. I can't––"

He broke off with a tight gasp as the pressure abruptly broke. His nails dug into Caleb's hips as a wave of ecstasy rolled through him, the rush of his climax sending shockwaves into every part of his body capable of receiving them. For a moment, he was blinded; sparks of light danced in his vision, then faded as the shuddering waves of bliss faded into a pleasant hum. He thrust instinctively a few more times, then relaxed against the mattress as exhaustion claimed him.

Caleb shifted atop him, rocking momentarily to the rhythm they had been keeping before leaning forward to let Essek slip free. His palms slid to Essek's chest as he looked between them, unsure of what he was supposed to do now. Essek chucked weakly at the sight of his obvious confusion.

_What, you think I'm just going to leave you like this?_

"Caleb," he said with a satisfied sigh. "Come closer." He gave Caleb's backside a light pat to prompt him forward. Caleb rose slightly and shifted his grip to Essek's shoulders. "Closer," Essek repeated. Brows drown together, Caleb shuffled his knees the barest amount to scoot forward. Essek rolled his eyes upwards with a heavy sigh. _"Caleb._ I'm trying to get you close enough to lodge your dick down my throat. Help would be appreciated."

Caleb's face, already flushed pink from exertion, took on a distinctly reddish hue. A faint, vaguely shy smile warmed his lips; without a word, he scooted forward a little more, then rose upon his knees to brace his hands upon the headboard. His partially erect dick bobbed in front of Essek's lips, and Essek's mouth began to water as the musky scent of arousal met his nose. He gave the curve of Caleb's backside a fond caress, then brought his hands forward. One curled gently around the base of Caleb's dick; the other slid beneath it to ghost along the contours of his balls. There was a barely audible moan above him, and with a pleased smirk, Essek parted his lips and drew him in. Caleb immediately tensed––then rolled his hips against Essek's face. Essek bobbed with him, his tongue curing around the hot length as he sucked upon it. Each time he drew back, his fingers rubbed the quickly hardening dick. It wasn't long before he felt the slick tip nudge against the back of his throat. Caleb began to grind against him, and Essek quickly lifted a hand to his stomach to give him a firm push backwards.

"Give me time to breathe, love."

Caleb was already panting in renewed excitement. He pulled back, his eyes averted as he prepared to dismount. "I am sorry. I thought––"

"Fuck my face as hard as you want, Caleb. I'll tap your hip when I need to come up for air."

Essek angled his head forward to kiss the glistening tip of Caleb's dick. With a hushed curse, Caleb rolled his hips forward again, and Essek parted his lips readily to take him in. This time, he relaxed his jaw and opened his throat to let Caleb plunge in as deep as he wanted to. Caleb began to thrust into him; one hand dropped to the back of Essek's head to hold him in place, his own head bowing against the arm folded upon the headboard. Together, they found a new rhythm: Caleb thrusting steadily into Essek's mouth, then pulling out each time he felt his hip get patted. Essek would catch his breath, then tease Caleb's dick before inviting him back in with a light nibble and a hard suck.

Caleb's breaths soon grew heavier, his thrusts coming faster and more frantic. A low moan resonated in his chest, and Essek slid his palm between the wizard's legs to loosely cup his balls. He could feel the shuddering within; the firm tightening of an impending release. He gave Caleb's hip another pat, then began to pump his dick vigorously once the wizard pull back. Caleb's fingers clenched through his hair. A soft _'ah'_ escaped his lips, and his hips canted forward. At the last moment, Essek lifted his chin. Hot semen shot across his neck as Caleb orgasmed with throaty grunt. His hips continued to roll for a few seconds as he rode out his climax, and as the tension eased out of him, he sank down to sit on his haunches. The red flush had traveled down his neck and midway down his chest, and droplets of sweat gave his pale skin a becoming sheen. For the first time, Essek saw raw emotion on the human's face: exhaustion, wonder, surprise, pleasure. Even after Caleb flopped sideways to lay on his back, a faint smile lingered upon his petal-pink lips. It didn't last long. He rubbed his face with a sudden wince, and when he dropped his hands, his eyes were half lidded and thoughtful.

For a while, they laid in silence to collect their thoughts and let their bodies to cool. Essek stared up at the ceiling, his body still tingling from his own release. This encounter hadn't been what he had expected, but it was definitely what he had needed. A broad grin stretched across his lips, and he had to fight back an exhilarated laugh.

_I never thought I'd be able to do that again._

_I thought no one would ever want me, after my accident. I thought I'd be alone for the rest of my life––constantly hiding myself, constantly avoiding relationships, constantly afraid of being rejected if I revealed my shortcomings––or else pursued only for the benefits of my position as a Shadowhand. I thought no one would ever truly want me for myself alone._

_How could I have been so wrong?_

He let his gaze lower to the stained glass window. The meticulously arranged panes of glass glittered in a subtle array of blues and purples, pinks and silver. The depiction of the Luxon that hovered at the very top of the image seemed to glow more brightly than the rest.

_Live and learn,_ Essek thought. _One never knows what he can accomplish if he never bothers to take a risk. Thank you, Caleb. I've never been happier to have been proved wrong._

He ran his hand over his face, then swept back his sweat-dampened hair. "Enjoy yourself, love?"

"Ja," Caleb panted. "Wunderbar. Ten out of ten, would bang you again."

Essek laughed. He licked the taste of Caleb from his lips, then took a corner of the blanket and pulled it to his neck to wipe away the semen. He was already reliving the encounter, anticipating how he might top it when next they met...

"What of you?" Caleb asked. "Has your favor been satisfied?"

Essek's brows drew together at the strange phrasing. "I am well satisfied," he replied slowly. Caleb had such a strange accent. Common obviously wasn't his primary language; it only made sense that his words occasionally tripped up. Was it any wonder why they misunderstood each other so often?

_Has my favor been satisfied..._

_My favor..._

The feeling of trepidation suddenly surged back into him as a horrible thought sprang to his mind. It was probably nothing...but he had to ask. Essek swallowed, his voice growing tight as he spoke again. "Or were you referring to our business arrangement?"

"Both."

Essek's throat closed. His lips peeled back, his eyes scrunching shut as he dug the heels of his palms against his eyes. It only lasted a moment; he drew in a deep breath and forcefully schooled his face into the neutral mask he used when conducting business.

"Then I suppose this completes our transaction," he said as he pushed himself upright. "Thank you, Caleb. This was a pleasant diversion, but I must return to my duties.  Please get dressed." He scooted his weight close to the side of the bed and began to pull his legs over the edge of it. The mattress dipped behind him as Caleb sat up.

"What is wrong, Essek?"

"Nothing. As I said, I have work to complete. I've been falling behind."

He didn't want Caleb to see him struggle to pull on a pair of pants. Essek waved his hand instead to summon the robe laying on the table, and hurriedly draped it over his shoulders as Caleb crawled over the mattress to peer at his face.

"You are making the same face Beau makes when I do something to irritate her," he accused.

A short, mirthless laugh huffed out of Essek. "You are very observant, Caleb. Yet, at the same time, painfully oblivious." He made a single gesture, and his weight lifted as the power of dunamancy reversed his gravity enough to let him rise from the bed. Folding the robe more securely around his body, he turned his back to the human to compose himself. "I'd like you to leave, please. Gather your belongings."

Caleb climbed off of the bed, but made no move to collect his clothing. "I do not understand, Essek. What have I done?"

The mask was beginning to crack. Essek clung desperately to the pieces, determined to maintain the composure he had spent decades perfecting. Jaw clenched tightly, he gripped his robe shut and tried to take comfort in the imagined protection of its concealment. "You were repaying me." His voice was soft and stiff as he turned to look back at Caleb. "I taught you two spells, and you owed me a favor."

"Did I do it wrong?"

_...I can't do this._

Essek made a sharp gesture, and the purple coat rumpled on the floor shot up to fly into Caleb's hands. "I am losing my patience, Caleb," he said shortly. "I suggest you leave before I grow angry."

Caleb stared at him without comprehension. Slowly, he stooped to gather his clothes and began to draw them on. Essek glided to the door and threw it open, turning to watch impatiently as Caleb finished. As soon as the human started to walk towards him, he crossed into the main room to grab Caleb's satchel. Caleb said nothing as Essek handed it to him, though his face was drawn in bewilderment. Essek moved silently to the main door and held it open expectantly; Caleb walked passed him, and the moment he was in the hallway, he turned as though he was about to say something.

Essek shut the door and locked it.

He let the robe fall to the floor as he returned to the bedroom. His heart was pounding. His ears were ringing. His eyes began to blur. As he passed through the doorway, his magic began to fail him. Essek let himself slump to the floor beside the wall and hid his face in his hands as nausea churned in his stomach. A choked sob escaped him, and he clapped his palm over his lips to keep any more from escaping.

_He thought it was a trade._

_He thought he was repaying the favor._

_I taught him magic, and he thought I wanted to repaid in sex._

The nausea fought its way up his throat, and Essek choked it back. He lifted his face and let the back of his head rest against the wall as he began to draw in slow, steady breaths.

_Composure. Control. Reflect and learn. Face your mistakes, that they may never be repeated._

Things had been going so well. They had been getting along. They had shared interests. Secrets. Moments of intimacy. Caleb had seemed receptive to Essek's advances, once Essek had explained his intent. What had gone wrong? What had Essek said to made Caleb think this was an arrangement?

_"This is a great gift."_

_"Remember it. There may be a time when I need to call a favor back in."_

_"Done."_

It had been such a simple exchange. Essek had offered to teach Caleb a few rudimentary spells, in part to assess what aspects of dunamancy sparked his interest the most. Gravitational manipulation and the scattering of an opponent's abilities had been dismissed in favor of the manipulation of fate. Caleb had been so grateful to receive them. Grateful enough that he had agreed to a favor without asking what it might be.

So what had made him think that Essek's proposition had been the favor in question?

Essek rubbed his face as his mind stretched back to every snippet of conversation he could remember with the wizard. They had been beneath the unnatural tree at the house of the Mighty Nein when Essek had brought it up. Caleb had seemed reluctant, and Essek had fully expected a rejection. But then Caleb had suddenly agreed. It must have been in that moment.

_What did I say to him to make him change his mind? What were my exact words?_

_"You've certainly earned my favor."_

That was it. Essek had said one thing, and Caleb had interpreted as having a different meaning. It was all a misunderstanding. Their entire courtship...just a misunderstanding.

_That lunch we shared. He suggested I teach him more spells. A 'continued exchange of benefits', he said. Blessed Light, how could I have been so blind? He was telling me! He was making sure I understood, and was trying to negotiate another trade! No wonder he was so receptive today. He was just trying to get it over with._

_I suspected. I suspected, and I ignored my instincts._

Everything was falling into place: every exchange of words, every fleeting facial expression, every underlying implication of their interactions. It all fit. And Essek had been oblivious to it all. He had let himself be charmed by the exotic, enigmatic human––and so had let himself be compromised by a foreigner whose true motivations for being in the Dynasty remained a mystery.

_Civilizations have fallen for lesser mistakes._

Essek stared across the room at the image of the Luxon. He closed his eyes in silent prayer and reigned in his emotions until he felt the neutral mask slip back into place. The revelations of the encounter hurt, but he couldn't let it consume him. He didn't have the luxury of regret or self-pity. He was Shadowhand to the Bright Queen. He should have known better than to let himself be distracted by a fleeting diversion.

With his jaw clenched tightly, Essek levitated himself upright and began to clean up in preparation for his meeting.

It was time to return to his duties.


	7. Chapter 7

 

**\--- Chapter 7 ---**

 

The meeting was a monotonous one.

Essek sat in his assigned chair at the large, circular table, only half-listening to his colleagues as they each went over their progress and setbacks for their individual projects. Usually, Essek listened intently to each detail, jotting down interesting tidbits to follow up with and mentally taking note of each person's body language in search of underlying information. At the last meeting, he had noticed that two people across from the table kept glancing at one another at each question, as though looking for permission to respond. He had later uncovered quite a scandal involving the two of them.

They were no longer welcome at these meetings.

Essek set his elbows upon the table and rested his chin upon his knuckles. It was so hard to focus, this time. The faces around him were a blur, the voices dull mumblings, the topics nebulous and disjointed. He kept thinking back to the incident from earlier that morning, kept replaying each word in his mind in an effort to identify all the clues he had missed. He still felt sick over it. It was a dual sickness: disgust at having been used, and guilt over the realization that Caleb must have thought that Essek was using _him._ He didn't know if he was more angry at Caleb or at himself.

"And what of you, Shadowhand? What do you think?"

Essek snapped his head up. Several faces were turned towards him expectantly. Inwardly chastising himself for his inattentiveness, Essek scrambled to come up with an adequate response. "It's difficult to say," he replied carefully. "I would need to contemplate this matter further."

Captain Judal stared at him blankly. "You wish to contemplate whether or not we should take a twenty minute break for refreshments?" came the bland reply.

Essek glanced to his right. Several servants were laying out platters of food upon the table against the wall. Lips pursed, Essek dropped his hands to his lap and lifted his chin higher. "Perhaps your schedule is not as tightly packed as mine," he returned sharply. "I would personally like to press on and get this meeting over with so I can prepare for my next appointment. However..." He looked around the table, and noted that the communications officer was jiggling her legs and throwing quick, longing looks towards the doorway that led to the hygiene facilities. "I suppose twenty minutes wouldn't set me back too much," Essek conceded magnanimously. "Very well. Let's take a break."

The communications officer was on her feet the moment he stopped taking. As she walked with a graceful, though rapid gait towards the facilities, the rest of the table began to hum with the low murmur of personal conversations. Several people rose to wander over to the table set up on the side of the room, where food and beverages had been laid out to sustain everyone through what had already been a two hour meeting. Essek levitated from his chair with a sigh. Captain Judal had embarrassed him, but it was Essek's own fault for not paying attention.

His leg braces clacked together as he rose, earning a curious glanced from the recruitment coordinator to his left. Essek gave her a polite nod and glided away without a word. The refreshment table looked to include a few bottles of chilled wine set between platters of food. How bad would it look if Essek took a whole bottle back to the main table? He wouldn't drink straight from it. Not with this many people around. But if his cup just _happened_ to run empty, and a bottle just _happened_ to be close at hand...

"Excuse me, Shadowhand."

Essek paused halfway to the refreshment table to look at the servant standing nervously at his side. "Yes?"

"There is a man outside who wishes to speak with you. Caleb Widogast."

A cold chill ran down Essek's spine. The nausea swept through him again, and he swallowed thickly to keep it at bay. "I'm busy," he said.

"I've told him that, sir. He says he will wait."

Essek took a breath and looked upwards. Twenty minutes would be enough time for a short conversation. Maybe––

_No. I don't want to talk to him. I don't even want to look at him. I'm not ready._

"Then let him wait," Essek said aloud. "I have important business to attend to." That said, he turned from the servant and crossed to the table to collect a bottle of wine and a pastry. Maybe a bit of food would settle his stomach.

The meeting resumed, and Essek forced himself to focus on it this time. It took nearly two more hours to conclude, and by the time the chancellor dismissed the table, it was past noon. As most of the people around him flocked to the refreshment table to scavenge the remaining food, Essek glided away to head out into the hallway. The wine had relaxed him, but the consequential buzz of inebriation was giving him a headache. He shouldn't have poured that fifth glass. He knew better than to drink so much at once.

He was making all sorts of bad decisions, it seemed.

"Sir!" The same servant came trotting after him, one hand rising to gesture down the opposite end of the hallway. "The human is still waiting for you. Did you wish to meet with him, or should I send him away?"

_He actually waited? Why? What does he want?_ Essek winced as he realized he wasn't going to be able to avoid a confrontation forever. Caleb was smart enough to have figured things out, if he took the time to think things over. Maybe he felt guilty. _I should send him away. Let him suffer. But would that make me look vindictive? Spiteful? Or would he just think me too cowardly to face him? Maybe he's angry. He'll accuse me of using him. I didn't mean to use him––it just happened!_

Essek's head pounded. He pressed his fingertips to his temples and let out a heavy sigh. Caleb was probably speculating as well. Essek didn't want him to draw the wrong conclusions. He didn't know what those conclusions might be, but who knew what sorts of thoughts ran through Caleb's head? _He made no sense!_

"Take him to the consultation chamber," Essek finally said. "I will meet him there."

"As you wish, sir."

The servant took off at a brisk pace down the hallway. Essek watched him leave, already regretting the order. Nothing good was going to come of this. He rubbed his face in agitation, then detoured down a secondary hallway to seek out a cleansing station. Let Caleb wait in the consultation chamber for a while; Essek needed to freshen up.

At the cleansing station, Essek took some time to splash some water on his face and calm himself with simple meditative breathing. Out of habit, he lost himself to several minutes worth of grooming, taking comfort it the familiar act of styling his hair and adjusting his clothes. His appearance was his shield: as long as he looked good, he _felt_ good. After the humiliation of that morning's revelations, it seemed more important that ever to appear flawless. There would be no cracks in his armor, this time. No vulnerabilities for Caleb to manipulate. Essek would remain cool and composed, conducting himself in the same way he would while in audience with the Bright Queen.

This was just business, after all. Caleb had made that abundantly clear.

_I am a Shadowhand. Caleb is a petitioner. Regardless of what transpired between us, I must remain elevated above him. Don't let him know that he had power over you. Don't let him know how deeply you let him into your heart. And, by the Light of the Luxon, don't let him know how easy it was for him to cause you pain._

Essek drew in a deep breath and glided towards the consultation chamber. The room was set apart from the collection of meeting rooms in the back of the Lucid Bastion. Here, the halls were quiet and bare, save for the few guards who patrolled them. Essek nodded to them as he made his way to the end of the hallway. There, the simple yet elegant archway of a set of double doors waited, one drawn partially open. A single guard was posted outside. She lifted her chin in acknowledgment as Essek approached, but made no attempt to engage him. Essek nodded politely at her, then tilted his head to peer inside the room. It was empty save for a single occupant: Caleb.

Essek took another breath. He could do this.

He pushed the door open and drifted silently into the room. Caleb's back was to him as the human studied a portrait of the Bright Queen hanging on the wall. He didn't seem to notice that he had company. Essek took the opportunity to sweep his eyes over the human's body. There wasn't much to see; just the long purple coat that extended to the worn leather boots, an unadorned scarf, and a thatch of reddish hair tied back in a messy tail. Essek turned his attention to Caleb's posture: casual and calm, shoulders thrown back as he tilted his head up to see the painting. The only indication of nervousness were the two fingers tapping rapidly against his thumb on his left hand.

_He fidgets when agitated,_ Essek thought. _And stammers. And starts blinking more as he reaches for something to hold, even if it's just his own hands. It's so endearing._

The feeling of fondness that warmed his chest was sudden and unexpected, and Essek gritted his teeth in annoyance at the realization that he was still infatuated. He grabbed the door handle and yanked it shut harder than he had intended to, prompting a loud _ka-thump_ to echo through the circular room. Caleb jerked back in surprise and swung around, both hands rising with the fingers curled as though ready to defend himself. Essek irritably tapped the polished opal stone set in the wall beside the door to trigger its enchantment. A ripple of power emanated from it to envelope the room. No one outside of its walls would be able to hear their conversation, now.

"Good afternoon, sir Widogast," Essek greeted with forced formality. "I understand you wish to speak with me. How may I be of assistance?"

Caleb's arms slowly lowered. There was a lost expression on his face––a play of confusion and unhappiness that almost made Essek want to comfort him. "I am sorry to disturb you," Caleb said in that damnedably soft voice. "I know you are busy, but this morning did not go well. I need to apologize—"

"It wasn't intentional, Essek interrupted. "There's nothing to forgive."

"Let me finish." Caleb ventured a single step forward, then paused. He folded his arms over his stomach, his thumbs rubbing anxiously against his forearms. "I thought over what happened, and I think I may have misunderstood your intentions. I did not realize your advances were genuine. Not until this morning. Everything happened so fast, I––I––I––" He grimaced and hissed out a curse. Taking a breath, he rubbed at his face and tried again.  "I made a mistake," he said firmly. "It is not a good feeling."

"I'm sure you must be devastated," Essek replied dryly.

The uncertainty on Caleb's face smoothed into a blank mask. "This is already difficult, Essek," Caleb said in a sharper tone. "You are making it harder."

"These are trying times indeed." Essek had the satisfaction of seeing irritation creep along Caleb's features at the bland response. Caleb raked his fingers through his hair, then let out a swift sigh. His arms spread for a moment, then dropped limply back to his sides.

"I fucked up," he said bluntly. "I am sorry. I don't know what else to say."

"Then I suppose this conversation has ended."

Essek began to glide back towards the door––and with sudden determination, Caleb marched around him to cut him off. "That's it?" he demanded. "Conversation over, just like that? Is that really is how you want things to end?"

Essek drew away to put distance between them, his hands clenching beneath his robe as he fought back his growing anger. "Of course it isn't!" he hissed. "But life doesn't care we want. Things go wrong. We deal with them and move on."

The wine was making him dizzy. His voice seemed too loud. As he bit his tongue to regain his composure, a brittle silence fell upon the room. Caleb and Essek stared at one another, unspoken words cracking in the air between them. Finally, Essek looked away to rub at his forehead in exasperation. "You thought our arrangement was a trade," he said quietly. "For the lessons, I assume. Did you..." He hesitated, then looked back up with the faint hope that maybe he had been mistaken. "Did you really think I was asking you to pay me back with sex?

"I thought I was paying you back with a romantic experience," Caleb said. "You wanted to court me. I agreed. And then you indicated that you wanted a sexual relationship."

Something in Essek's chest tightened. He looked away again, and Caleb's voice took on a note of urgency. "I have been forward in my desire to learn more magic, Essek. I thought my agreement to the additional stipulation would earn your gratitude—"

"My _gratitude?"_

Caleb winced as Essek rounded upon him in sudden anger. "That came out wrong. I meant to say—"

"I would be grateful for whatever crumbs of affection you flung at me," Essek spat out accusingly. "Is that what you thought? That I was so desperate for a lover, I had to coerce someone into it? That someone with my condition would be incapable of attracting someone any other way?"

Essek could hear his voice growing louder, could feel his anger getting the best of him. It was all he could do to keep himself from grabbing Caleb's shoulders and shaking him. The human's calm demeanor was infuriating. It was as though what had happened meant nothing to him. This 'apology' was just an attempt to placate Essek––it wasn't genuine. _Nothing_ had been genuine!

Caleb remained unruffled, though there was a hard undertone to his voice as he responded. "I was not thinking that, Essek. Though if that is your first assumption—"

_"I was a job to you!"_ Essek shouted. "All that time, you were only playing along with me––tolerating me until you had the chance to pay me back with sex! Why would you think that’s what I wanted? _Why would you think that’s okay?"_

Caleb's calm demeanor abruptly shattered. _"Because that’s what people do!"_ he exploded. "They take advantage of people, manipulate them, force them to do things they don't want to do––as long as they get what they want, fuck everyone else! _That_ is what life is! _That_ is what we need to deal with! And if we want to get _anywhere_ in this world, we need to be willing to do it, too!"

"You don't have to fuck people over to gain an advantage––"

"And what is it you've been doing, then?" Caleb's voice dropped to hiss, still simmering with heat as he jabbed an accusing finger at Essek. "You, who kidnap innocent people and tear them away from their families to imprison them and torture them and interrogate them, as you did with Yezza?"

Essek straightened, his anger hardening to an icy chill. "Yezza was potential threat to the Dynasty," he growled dangerously. "We needed to know exactly what he was doing, and for whom, and for what reason."

"You were—"

"I’ve told you once already, Caleb. _The Dynasty comes first._ If it means protecting the people of Xhorhas, I will kidnap, torture, and slaughter as many people as I must, and I won’t feel a shred of regret in doing so."

Caleb stared at him. Slowly, the tension drained from his body as his face closed in an almost unreadable mask–– _almost,_ save for the shadowed sadness that clouded his eyes and suddenly made him appear much older than his young years. "I once thought the same thing," he said quietly. "But regret still finds you. And by the time you realize the wrong people have died, it is too late to bring them back."

The hollow response caught Essek off guard. He ran the words through his mind again, then thought back previous conversations. What was it that Caleb had once said? That he had once killed people he cared for? Yes. He had burned them alive. The memories still troubled him. It was...how had he phrased it?

_Debilitating._

Essek circled slowly around Caleb, mentally cataloging their past exchanges and reevaluating what he knew of the human. "Is that why you were so interested in learning dunamancy?" he asked. "Are you looking for a way to turn back time and bring back the dead?"

There was a distinct twitch to the wizard's shoulders. His head flicked to one side, his eyes scrunched, his fingers clenched. The reaction was brief, but telling. When Caleb spoke again, both his expression and voice were neutral.

"We have gotten off topic."

"I don’t think we have." Essek halted before Caleb and regarded him with a hard look. "The root of our misunderstanding is a lack of information. I know nothing about you, Caleb. Your past, your ambitions, your motivations...they are all a mystery to me. That’s dangerous for a man in my position. I can't trust someone who doesn't trust me in turn."

"Secrets make relationships difficult," Caleb agreed. "You've said as much before. But sometimes secrets are necessary. There are things I do not want to talk about."

"There were things _I_ didn’t want to talk about," Essek retorted. "Things I didn’t want to reveal. And yet I did it anyway. I opened myself to you in the hopes you would find me worthy of your company." The emotions were building again: the recollection of how he had embarrassed himself in his efforts to seduce someone who had only been tolerating his affection for the sake of personal gain. The headache pulsing behind his eyes intensified, and it was difficult to keep his voice from shaking as he continued. "I actually took pride in your approval, Caleb. I thought I'd finally found someone I could be myself around. I thought we were building something meaningful. _I thought it was real._ Do you any idea how it felt to—"

He cut himself off and looked away, one hand sweeping over his hair in frustration. The wine was making him speak too freely. Turning his back on Caleb, Essek glided towards the door and rubbed at his face compose himself. He couldn't let himself be controlled by emotions. He was above such things. What would the Bright Queen say if she knew her Shadowhand had been emotionally compromised? _"Too young,"_ she would say. _"Too inexperienced. I thought you were ready. I thought I could depend upon you. I was wrong."_

Essek pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed tiredly. He wasn't looking forward to filing a report about this encounter.

From behind him, Caleb's soft voice rose in genuine regret. "I am sorry, Essek. I never meant to hurt you. But––"

"I know," Essek interrupted. "I can’t blame you. I know better than to share my secrets with someone unwilling to share his own." Without turning to look at him, Essek reached out to tap the opal beside the doorframe. The privacy spell dropped, and Essek opened the door. As he stood aside in silent expectation, Caleb tried again.

"Essek—"

"I have work to do," Essek said. "And I believe you do, as well. Please leave, Caleb. You’ve distracted me long enough."

Caleb didn't immediately move. He looked between Essek and the open door, his brows drawn over his pale blue eyes. Slowly, he started forward, only to stop again as he neared Essek. "I would like to speak to you again," he said. "Afterwards."

"I don’t think that’s wise." Essek opened the door wider. "Good luck on your...scouting mission, was it?" He arched an eyebrow, curious in spite of himself. Caleb nodded absently.

"The Overcrow Apothecary," he said. "Something about the shop seemed suspicious. We just want to take a look around."

"And I assume you’ll report back to me if you find anything of interest?"

"If it would adversely affect the Dynasty, yes."

Essek's lips twitched into a thin, mirthless smile. "That's an interesting answer, Caleb. It implies that you're still willing to keep secrets from me if you deem your findings irrelevant.  Bold of you to assume you know sort of information would interest me."

"Essek, please, if you would just let me––"

"Are you going to leave, or shall I have you escorted out?"

Caleb fell silent. Lips pressing into a thin line, he jammed his hand into one of his coat pockets, fished around, then pulled something out. As he strode silently out of the room, he slapped the item upon the narrow table beside the door. Outside, the guard waiting in the hallway poked her head in to catch Essek's attention.

"Shall I follow him, sir?"

Essek nodded. "Make sure he leaves," he responded. With a curt nod, the guard pushed away from the wall to follow Caleb. Once she was gone, Essek drifted to the table to see what the human had let behind. Upon the smooth, dark wood of the table, a tiny speck of white waited. Essek picked it up.

A pearl.

Essek's fingers closed around it. His hand shook. For one terrifying moment, he could feel heat rush to his eyes and his throat begin to close. Lips peeling back over his teeth, he swung around with his hand raised, fully intending to fling the pearl across the room.

Above him, the portrait of the Bright Queen gazed down upon him in dispassionate judgement. Essek lowered his arm slowly, his jaw clenching as he crushed the sudden wave of emotion back into the pit of his stomach. Thrusting the pearl into his pocket, he strode out of the room.

It was going to be a long day.

 

**Author's note:**

This fic is all Essek's point of view, but just for fun, here's a hidden Caleb point of view. When arguing with Essek, he was recalling three things said to him by Yussa back in Nicodranas:

"At a certain level of arcane practitioning, morality becomes a bit ambiguous."

"I'm willing to share knowledge based on the development of our friendship."

"Trust in the power of others. Use who you need to."

Caleb, at that moment, was relating one 200+ year old elven magic-user to another and trying to conduct himself accordingly. The realization that there was no actual correlation between two similar entities was very frustrating to him, especially since he had to once again reevaluate an already complex and messed up situation. Now he's cutting Yussa out of the equation and focusing only the interactions and social cues he's gained from Essek.

And that's where we'll leave off. :D

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor spoiler warning for anyone who hasn't made it to episode 62 (re: Scourgers).

**\--- Chapter 8 ---**

 

It was late at night several days later that Essek found himself on the brink of a breakthrough. He hunched over his work table, absently flicking the feathered tip of his quill back and forth over his nose as he reread his notes. All the glyphs looked right. The arcane words seemed to fit. The reagents were logical.

_Blessed Light, the spell might actually work, this time._

Essek set down the quill and rose to drift across his bedroom. He threw open his reagent cupboard and sifted through the cubbies until he found a chip of abalone and an amber rod the length of his thumb. Returning to his work table, he shoved aside the stack of previous notes to make room for his experiment. He had been inspired, after a previous outing with Caleb; the excursion to the bookshop had been difficult, but it had proven to him that he could walk when he needed to. Essek had grown to too reliant on levitation. It was time to expand upon his abilities––both magically and physically.

Pulling out a sheet of fine paper, Essek bent forward to scrutinize his notes one last time. With slow, meticulous strokes of a calligraphy brush, he copied the arcane symbols onto the paper, careful not to let any ink spatter over the design as he dipped the nib into the inkwell. Once it was copied, he laid the alabaster chip down in the center of the concentric design, held the amber rod over the glyphs, and began to trace them in the air, murmuring the spell under his breath all the while. As he spoke the last word, the inked glyphs flared a bright green. The paper disintegrated beneath them, and the alabaster chip began to pulse with a soft white glow. Essek set the amber aside and picked the chip up. The power now embedded into it felt... _right._

"All right," he said quietly. "You've got one job. Don't fail me."

He snapped his fingers. Beside him, his crutches popped into existence to rest against the edge of the work table. Essek took off his robe and laid it over the back of his chair, then affixed the crutches to his arms. He was confident in his progress, but there was no sense in taking needless risks.

Adjusting his grip upon the handles of the crutches, he rotated to face the open floor of his room––then banished his gravity spell. Instantly, his body sagged with an unpleasant heaviness, his feet flopping limply to the floor as he quickly braced himself upon the crutches. He drew in a slow breath to steady himself, then shifted his weight to one crutch so he could rub his thumb upon the smooth surface of the alabaster chip as he murmured a few arcane words. Power crackled in the air around him, warm and exhilarating. It wove around his body, then began to twine around his legs.

_So far, so good._

The power coalesced into an invisible shield over his legs, then softened to a barely discernable hum of energy. Essek held his breath. This was it. Either his spell worked, or he'd have to abandon it entirely. He just didn't have enough time anymore to compose spells and field test them. If anyone were to discover that he had been using his resources for personal gain rather than for the Dynasty as a whole, he'd be severely reprimanded.

But if it worked...

Essek flexed the muscles of one thigh. Usually, he would only be able to get his leg to twitch at the motion, unless he jerked his hip sideways to give his leg the momentum it needed to shuffle forward. Now, with the gravitational magic aiding it, his thigh began to lift effortlessly, his leg bending as though he was about to take a step. Essek's heart began to race. His lungs burned, still trapping the anxious breath within him. Slowly, he leaned so that his lower leg angled forward, then released the tension in his thigh. The spell didn't let his leg simply drop; as the muscle relaxed, the spell allowed his thigh to fall gently back into place.

He had taken a step.

Essek let out his breath with a swift, incredulous laugh. He flexed his other thigh, and his leg lifted in the same way. As he leaned forward, his scooted his crutches along to help himself move forward. Slowly, he made his way cross the room, each step slow and smooth. It was hardly graceful, but Essek couldn't bring himself to care. _He was walking._ That was all that mattered.

At the other side of the room, he turned around and removed the crutches. They had done their part; now he needed to try without them. Laying them against the wall, Essek held his arms out for balance and triggered the spell again. His legs rose and fell smoothly with the aid of gravity manipulation, allowing him shaky, halting steps with each flex of his muscles. With a broad grin stretching across his face, Essek made his way halfway across the floor in a slow, stilted march. Why hadn't he thought of this sooner? The gravitational fields that surrounded him were so easy to localize; all he had needed to do was to narrow the spell parameters and create a focus for it to trigger. Any master of dunamancy would be able to replicate it! With a bit of refinement and a few more experiments––

_"Quick question!"_

The disembodied voice rang abruptly through Essek's mind. His concentration shattered, and the spell flitted out of his grasp. With a startled gasp, Essek pitched forward, one foot locking around his ankle as he twisted to catch himself. He wasn't fast enough. Just as he started to call upon his usual levitation spell, he struck the floor with a solid crack.

_"Do you know anything about a big tree growing in the Barbed Fields?"_ Jester continued obliviously with her sending spell. _"It's really big! Have you heard about it? What's it do? Why––"_ The spell cut off as Jester reached her word limit. A blessed silence fell upon the room, and Essek shoved himself to his side with a sigh.

_Big tree in the Barbed Fields...ah, yes. I know what she's talking about._

Essek laid there for a moment, considering the question. Given the direction Jester and her companions had been headed after the fiasco at the apothecary's shop, it was likely they were standing directly under the massive eaves of the tree.

_Interesting._

"You have made it to the Arbor Exemplar," he replied as he rolled to his back. "That is impressive. It is also very deep in dangerous terrain." He paused for a moment, nodding in respect. "You're doing me proud," he finished, and waved his hand to banish the lingering threads of the commination spell before pushing himself into a seated position. The energy of his new spell had swept out of him once it broke, leaving him drained. He hadn't expected it to require so much power. In this early stage of development, the spell would only be good for one cast a day, and only if he wasn't planning to cast any other powerful spells.

_Not exactly practical for everyday use. Formal occasions, though. Emergencies. I'm certain I can modify it, eventually. Refine it to a more simplistic form, maybe restructure it to be suitable for a permanent enchantment. That might be better, actually. Far more reliable, less of a drain on my catalogue of daily spells..._

Essek gestured to call upon his levitation spell and straightened into the air. _There's actually a great many things I could do with this, once it's been refined,_ he thought with growing excitement. _With an enchantment, it could be used to restore mobility to talented soldiers wounded in combat. As a spell, it could be cast upon enemy soldiers to manipulate their movements on the battlefield. If I present it as such, that could afford me the approval I would need to continue developing it without fear of reprimand!_

A knock on the door broke him from his thoughts as he began to clean up his work table. Essek glanced over to it, irritated by the unwelcomed interruption. "Yes?" he called out sharply.

"Master Shadowhand," came his attendant's muffled voice through the wood. "You have a visitor."

Essek stacked his papers neatly upon the table and patted them into place. "I distinctly recall telling you that I was not to be disturbed for the remainder of the night."

"Unless it's an emergency, sir, yes. But Master Lythir is here to see you. He says it's vitally important that he speaks to you in regards to the security of the Dynasty and a possible threat to the Bright Queen."

Essek rubbed at his face and drew away from the table. _Wonderful._ Lythir was one of the many mages who had initially looked down upon Essek for his youth, and continued to try to impress him with their age and experience. He could be a headache even at the best of times. "Have him wait in the main room," he sighed. "I'll greet him in a few minutes."

"As you wish, sir."

Essek picked up his robe and draped it over his shoulders, then moved to the rack beside his wardrobe to select a mantle. Something regal and impressive, this time. Something... _intimidating._ Tapping his lips in thought, Essek finally selected the mantle with the largest, sharpest points over the shoulders and fixed it over his robe, then took some time to straighten his hair before gesturing for his door to open. He whisked into the antechamber of his quarters and nodded for his attendant to leave before turning his attention to his visitor.

"Good evening, Lythir," he said politely. "I'm told you have information to share with me?"

"Your foreign charges attacked and killed people in the city a few days ago," Lythir replied without preamble. Essek arched an eyebrow. So _that_ was how this meeting was going to go, was it?

_Typical._

"And you only just now heard?" Essek asked.

"I have many other important matters to occupy my time." Lythir invited himself to sit at the round table. Essek remained upright, though he drifted to one of his bookshelves to feign interest in the titles.

"As do I," he replied, "yet I still manage to keep abreast of current events."

With a scowl, Lythir folded his hands upon the table and leaned over them to glower at Essek. "You make light of this news. Let me clarify. That filthy group of Empire spies who attacked me outside of Asarius broke into a civilian's shop, destroyed her property, created a disturbance by slaughtering a horse in the middle of the street, and murdered two people unprovoked––and then proceeded to sever the heads from their corpses and flee the city."

"They certainly are an interesting group of individuals."

Lythir stared at Essek incredulously. "Well, what are you going to do about it?" he demanded.

Essek turned away from the books to glance at the door that led into the hallway, making no effort to disguise his impatience. "That's not really something you need to concern yourself with, Lythir."

Lythir pressed his palms to the table as though he was about to push himself up. "Anything that threatens Xhorhas and the Bright Queen is something to concern me," he returned in a low growl. "I said from the beginning that I didn't trust them, yet you have let them be elevated to the status of heroes––"

"The Queen welcomed them as such. Not me."

"But you did not question it," Lythir insisted, his voice a hiss of barely suppressed outrage. "You've visited their home. I heard you taught one of them magic. _Dunamancy!_ The one magical advantage we have over the Empire! We have yet to verify the authenticity of their claims, yet you are befriending the enemy and sharing with them secrets of the Dynasty!"

Essek sighed and turned to look at Lythir. "This is obviously a matter that upsets you greatly," he said in a disinterested tone. "It's a good thing you aren't in charge of dealing with it."

Lythir was silent for a moment. Finally, he pushed back his chair and stood, his palms pressing together in what would have been a placating manner if not for the patronizing note in his voice as he replied. "Shadowhand Essek. I don't believe you understand the severity of this situation. But I have been protecting Xhorhas since before you were born. I am charged with protecting our people, and I––

"You are charged with protecting Lady Zethris Olios," Essek returned sharply. "I understand that you may view your reassignment as a demotion for failing to defend our boarders against foreign invaders, but this obvious attempt to regain status by manufacturing needless conflict with the new allies of the Bright Queen does not become you."

"Manufacture––" Lythir rounded the table furiously to stand before Essek. "Are you really so foolish that you don't see the danger we are in? For all we know, that Empire scum wormed their way into the Bright Queen's grace, stole all manner of intelligence, and then used the attack at the apothecary to distract us while they escape back to the Empire!"

"That would be a fair conclusion to draw, had they not run deeper into Xhorhas in order to pursue a potential agent of the Empire at the request of the Bright Queen." Essek had the satisfaction of seeing surprise flash across Lythir's narrow face. Pleased with himself, he inclined his head slightly in a polite nod of dismissal. "I'll take your concerns under advisement," he said. "You may go. I must return to my studies."

"Did you send anyone after them?"

"Let me worry about that, Lythir."

"Do you intend to interrogate them upon their return?"

"I don't answer to you."

Lythir straightened, his lips pressed thin as he looked Essek over in clear disapproval. "You don't take your responsibilities as Shadowhand seriously enough," he said quietly. "I will submit a complaint and request that you be investigated for conspiracy."

"And I shall enjoy reading the report. I'm sure it'll be highly entertaining." Essek drifted to the door and pointedly held it open. "Goodnight, Lythir."

Jaw clenched, Lythir marched out of the room and into the hallway. Essek closed the door behind him, then turned to regard the empty room in silent contemplation. As much as it galled him to admit it, Lythir had a point. The unusual foreigners were unpredictable. There was no telling what their plans might be.

He doubted even _they_ knew.

Essek glided to the table and pulled a chair back to sit down. It had been several days since the last time he had seen them. He had been in attendance with the Bright Queen discussing enemy movements and potential spies when the Mighty Nein had begged their way into the Cathedral of the Bright Queen to warn her of an attack––an incursion on the Ashguard Garrison. They brought information that King Dwendal himself was releasing troops into the mountains, and sending highly trained agents known as Scourgers to cause a distraction throughout Xhorhas in the meantime. That had been why they were scouting the apothecary; they had heard that one such agent intended to visit it for some nefarious purpose, and they hoped to capture him.

The news had been incensing. Caleb had known about the impending attack, and instead of reporting it promptly, had chosen to keep it secret while he scouted out the meeting location.

The news had only gotten worse. Three legions set to attack. Additional fighters in the form of the Righteous Brand. Scourgers infiltrating Xhorhas. Gold Chain Mercenaries being hired as reinforcements.

And then the most shocking revelation: that Caleb himself had once been trained as a Scourger.

_"Use us,"_ he had said. _"Use us for your ends. Use us to find your missing relic. Use us and our contacts..."_ He had been looking straight at Essek as he spoke. To him, being used meant nothing. He wanted Essek to know that. He wanted to make it clear that he felt no resentment at being used...and that he didn't think Essek should resent it, either.

_Cheeky bastard._

Essek chuckled at the recollection. It had taken courage to walk up to the ruler of Xhorhas and admit to being an agent of the same people who wanted to overthrow the Dynasty. It played directly into the worst fears of her advisors: that these strange travelers were using trickery to curry favor in order to gather intelligence for the Empire. Essek had seen the concern in the Queen's eyes as she had looked to him to ask if he trusted them.

And Essek had been close to saying no. Things were getting out of hand with them. He had spent a great deal of time with one of them, doing what he could to learn more of him––only to discover that everything he had assumed about him had been wrong. Maybe Essek's fondness for the Mighty Nein's antics was clouding his judgment. Maybe it would have been best to lock them up and give them a proper interrogation the first time he had been charged with monitoring them. Maybe––

But no. It was too late for 'maybe'. And the information they had offered was too important to disregard. Essek had to let this investigation play out and see where it led.

At the table, Essek smiled to himself and shook his head at the risk he knew he was taking. Inscrutable as Caleb could be, Essek had at least gotten a feel for how he spoke and behaved when lying. He had listened closely to everything the group had said, Caleb especially...and he found he couldn't bring himself to dismiss them. Caleb hadn't been lying. He had been offering an opportunity.

_I trust them._

The queen had agreed. Aside from a curt reprimand over having shared dunamancy with the mage, she had put her faith in Essek's judgement. The Mighty Nein was directed to complete their investigation. They had returned to the apothecary to capture their target.

And then everything had turned to shit.

Essek pushed himself up from the table and returned to his bedchamber. It was no wonder Lythir was worried. The situation certainly looked bad from an outside perspective.

_It's a pity I can't see what they're up to right now,_ Essek thought wistfully as he finished cleaning up his work table. _I could scry, of course, but what good would it do? This late at night, Caleb would no doubt have his protective barrier up. Scrying wouldn't be able to penetrate it. And even if it could, he wears that necklace. I'm positive it prevents scrying––which means the people around him will be just as difficult to pinpoint. Perhaps I should speak to one of the priests and see if their scrying spells would work better than my mirror enchantment. Or maybe––_

Essek paused, a thought striking him. He tapped his finger upon his chin, his mind racing furiously. He couldn't scry on Caleb...but he might be able to do something else.

Dunamantic algorithms began to dancing in his mind, swiftly taking shape. Energized by this new inspiration, Essek brought his notebook back out and sat down to begin composing a new spell. It would need to touch upon remote communication without actually _being_ remote communication. A dunimantic variation of scrying: following a thread of fate and manipulating it to send a message. No, no message. That wouldn't work. But a direct connection to its source might be possible...

Essek worked feverishly on his new spell, discarding several drafts over the course of the next few hours until he had one that was refined enough to be potentially viable. It would be a one-way visual echo of Caleb, based on the residual magical energy still lingering in the pearl he had returned to Essek. If it was still strong enough...if Essek could seize control of the energy and use the magic of fate manipulation to follow the thread to Caleb's physical location...

He rose from his chair and assembled the components he would need to cast the spell. Fishing out the pearl Caleb had left behind, he dropped it into a mortar and began to crush it into a fine powder, then sifted through the nacre until he found the single grain of sand that the pearl had formed around. Setting it aside, he tapped a few drops of oil into the mortar, stirred the powdered nacre into a thin paste, then used it to paint a sigil directly upon the polished surface of his worktable. Using a pair of silver tweezers, he carefully set the grain of sand in the center of the sigil. He lit a cone of obscenely expensive incense and waited until the sweet-smelling smoke began to curl around him, then placed his palms to either side of the sigil and began to mutter under his breath. He had one shot at this. If his spell failed, there would be no second attempt.

The sigil flared. From the tiny grain of sand, a filmy white thread began to curl upwards, mingling with the darker smoke of the incense. Slowly, the combined smoke began to swirl and reform until a hazy figure took shape. The smoke took on a bluish color as it formed itself into a disembodied head laying sideways. Wispy locks of hair flopped over the figure's forehead, and the partial curve of what looked to be a pair of hands were tucked under its cheek.

_Caleb._

Essek let out breath as he stared at the sleeping human. A broad grin stretched over his lips. He was proud of his accomplishment; not everyone could compose a spell from nothing, much less complete it in just a few hours. But his pride was tinged with a bittersweet regret. Seeing Caleb again was...conflicting.

_I didn't really think this through. What now? I can see him. That's it. I won't be able to communicative with him. I won't be able to hear him or view his surroundings. It's just a remote reflection of his image._

With a soft sigh, Essek dragged his chair back and sat down to study the smoky figure hovering in the air before him. Despite the dubious practicality of his spell, seeing Caleb was oddly comforting. By the blessing of the Luxon, Essek had the chance to learn from his mistakes––to reflect upon them and ensure that he would not repeat them in his next lifetime. The conflict between him and Caleb was a lesson. Essek couldn't stay angry at him.

_I still like him. I want him to like me._

Essek chuckled and shook his head. Well, he had made it this far. He might as well take the opportunity to get a few things off his chest. "Can you hear me, Caleb?" he asked. There was no reaction in the image. Nodding to himself, Essek settled back into his chair. "Good. That will make this easier. I don't think I'm ready to have another conversation with you." He sighed and leaned forward to fold his hands over his knees. "I think I need to talk to you. This will be good practice for when you get back. We left on a rather unpleasant note, after all. I'd hate to leave things like that."

He paused, thinking over his next words before speaking them aloud. "I want to apologize for how I spoke to you when we last met," he finally said. "I was frustrated. And hurt. You didn't give me enough time to process things. What happened was..." He arched his brows and shrugged. "Well, I've told you before that I'm prideful. And I'd never actually been rejected before. I don't think this was technically a rejection, but the shock was about the same as I would expect. I shared a great deal with you, and to hear that it was not received in the manner I had hoped was...difficult." His voice grew quieter. "But there's more to it than that. I've had time to reflect, and I've...I've realized that a lot of the pain I felt stemmed from my own insecurities."

He hesitated. Even when talking to a collection of smoke that couldn't hear him, articulating his feelings was surprisingly difficult. But he hadn't made it so far in his young life by giving up when things got too hard. Essek had something to say, damn it, and he was going to say it!

"When I was injured," he said slowly, "I thought that was the end of things. I thought no one would ever want me again––and if they did, it would only be to gain something from my position. When you agreed to be courted...when you indicated that you would be receptive to my advances..." Essek rubbed at his face, then clasped his hands beneath his chin and rested his elbows upon his thighs. "Caleb, that meant so much to me. I'd been so private about my condition, and you were the first person I revealed it to who wasn't either a healer or someone in a position of authority over me. I felt comfortable with you. Blessed Light, I actually began to think I might be able to have a normal relationship after all! My confidence returned. I felt desirable again. I felt like I was _worth_ something." He hissed out a breath of annoyance and cast a dark glower at the door to the main room as he recalled his conversation with Lythir. "I'm constantly having to prove myself to people, Caleb. But I didn't need to prove myself to you. You accepted me as I was. You encouraged me to accept myself." He paused again, then laughed. "I wouldn't go so far as to say I fell in love with you, but I was close enough to it that I––"

Essek stopped. He could feel his cheeks warming, and he quickly waved a hand to disregard his own admission. "No. I think I'll leave that part out when I speak to you in person. Forget I said that. The point is, for the short amount of time we were together, I was able to regain everything I thought I had lost. And when I realized that you had only gone along with it for your own gain, it...I guess it broke me. I'm still aching from the blow."

Essek bowed his face into his hands and let out a heavy sigh. "But I know it's not your fault," he continued tiredly. "You were being honest with me about everything. I just wasn't asking the right questions. Which leads me to wonder..." He trailed off, his brows drawing together as he looked back up to narrow his eyes at the silent image. "Caleb, you didn't just accept my advances. You reciprocated. You brought me that flower, initiated physical contact, acted like you actually wanted to spend time with me. I can't imagine you would have bothered if you felt our agreement was a done deal." His voice grew weaker as he stared earnestly at Caleb's sleeping form. "So why did you put forth the effort?"

He waited. The silence stretched between them, and finally he lowered his head again to brace his temples upon his fingertips. "This whole thing is a mess," he muttered. "Caleb, I regret raising my voice at you. Maybe if we had gone a little slower, we could have had a proper conversation and cleared matters up before it got to that point." He leaned back and tilted his face up to look at the ceiling. "I'm not angry at you anymore," he sighed. "I'm just disappointed. I don't want this to damage our...our friendship? Are we friends?" He laughed and waved his hands helplessly as he looked back at Caleb. "I don't even know anymore. It's all so complicated. I did enjoy spending time with you, though. I already miss it. I miss _you._ Do you think there's any chance we might––"

Caleb's eyes opened. Essek's voice caught in his throat, his own eyes widening as the smoky figure's gaze fixed directly upon his––and with a frantic lurch forward, Essek swatted the smoke away with one hand and smudged out the sigil with the other. The image collapsed and dissipated as the spell broke, and Essek froze with his arms still sprawled over half of the worktable.

_Oh, Blessed Light, he heard me. No, that's not possible. He just woke up, and I happened to be siting in his line of sight. He was looking at something else. He wasn't reacting to me. Luxon protect me, he heard every word I said! Why didn't I wait a night before casting the spell? I should have taken the time to review before experimenting with it! No, no, it's fine, it's just a coincidence..._

The conflicting thoughts churned in his mind, alternating between panic and self-soothing reassurances that amounted to nothing. Heart still thumping solidly in his chest, Essek quickly rose and cleaned away the mess he had made, then readied himself for bed. Whether or not Caleb had heard him didn't matter. It was done. The words were spoken, and there was no way to take them back. Not without a time reversal spell––and Essek had already used up the required amount of magic to experiment with his walking spell. He didn't have any energy left.

There was nothing to be done. Either Caleb had heard him and would remark upon it when he returned, or he hadn't heard him, and Essek would attempt to repeat it all to him anyway.

Assuming Caleb would listen to him.

_Either way, it's going to be an awkward reunion. Lovely. I get to look forward to_ that, _now._

Essek reclined upon his bed and let his eyes drift to the stained glass window. The beams of light stretching out from the Beacon seemed brighter than usual. Maybe it was a sign. Maybe the Luxon was reminding him that it was okay to make mistakes, so long as he learned from them.

_I'm sick of making mistakes. I just want to fix them._

Essek tugged his blanket over his shoulders and closed his eyes.

All he could do was to wait.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me after episode 68: Whoo! Okay, I know exactly where I'm going with this thing, and I have all my notes ready. Can't wait until the gang gets back to Xhorhas so we can get back to the lighthearted shenanigans!
> 
> Me after episode 69: Well, damn. Okay, I can still salvage my notes, as long as the group makes it back to Xhorhas. I'll just need to revise a few things to take canon events into consideration.
> 
> Me after missing episode 70 the night of the stream: I must know what happened! I'll just scroll through Tumblr posts to see what's being said about the episode. Wait, what's this? Essek is taking a trip with everyone? Crap, there's no leeway to squeeze in my reunion! Fine, I'll just delete everything and have Essek go to Bazzoxan the night before everyone leaves.
> 
> Me after actually watching episode 70: Oh, for fucksake. *rips up entire chapter and starts from scratch*

**\--- Chapter 9 ---**

 

Essek was just returning from the Dungeon of Penance when he was summoned to hear the news. He had spent nearly the entire day directing security details and trading reports on the assassination attempt the Mighty Nein had warned the Bright Queen of. _Scourgers,_ just as they had predicted. Several of them, each targeting prominent members of the Dynasty––including the queen herself. Essek was quite pleased with himself for having defended her so easily; the assassin who had attempted to invade her personal quarters hadn't even gotten close to her before being cut down.

There had been celebrations, that night. Subtle and tasteful, of course. It wouldn't do for the queen of Xhorhas to get drunk and party until dawn.

Pity. Essek would have enjoyed a good party.

The day that followed had been a flurry of activity. Intelligence needed to be gathered. Spies needed to be sent out. The single prisoner needed to be interrogated.  All the while, Essek's normal duties needed to be carried out as well, along with his additional responsibilities and expectations regarding the development of his dunamandic studies. By the time night fell, he was run ragged. All he wanted was to go to his quarters, enjoy a glass of wine, and take a few hours for some much needed meditation.

And then the Bright Queen received a message from the Mighty Nein.

_"A great evil was unleashed."_

_"Our friend was taken"._

_"We're in Bazzoxan."_

The news was sobering...and woefully short on detail. A meeting was called to discuss the cryptic information, and by the time it was over, Essek found himself thoroughly disconcerted by the entire matter. Which friend had been taken? Surely it hadn't been Caleb?

Twenty-four hours was a long time to wait for an answer.

Essek was relieved when the group returned to the Cathedral of the Bright Queen with Caleb in attendance. The Mighty Nein looked drawn-out and haggard, their bodies bruised and their clothes torn and spattered with blood. It was no wonder, considering the creature they had been fighting. _The Laughing Hand._ Essek was only somewhat familiar with the name. He would have to do a great deal of research in the coming days.

_And it's headed towards Bazzoxan._

Essek had shared a look with Skysybil as the group regaled their battle. He had recommended on more than one occasion that more resources be diverted towards the distant outpost, not just to reclaim the disputed territory, but to seal away the creatures escaping from the ruins of the ancient temple there. Thus far, the only person who had agreed with him had been Skysybil. Perhaps the Bright Queen would realize now that the temple ruins were worth investing in––if only to keep more "ancient evils" from being unleashed.

As expected, the moment the Mighty Nein was dismissed, the Bright Queen began to issue new orders. Essek's already heavy workload suddenly tripled.

He was ecstatic.

Essek thrived on activity. He loved being occupied with work, loved knowing that he was skilled enough to be entrusted with so many important tasks, loved knowing that it was because of his efforts that the city of Rosona and Xhorhas as a whole were kept safe. Still, the work was exhausting, and it was a relief when a guard approached him a few hours after the meeting to inform him that he had a visitor.  Essek was in the middle of instructing a few promising mages in the intricacies of dunamancy. Motivated by the impending reprieve, he finished up the lesson and instructed the mages to practice independently for a few minutes. As he glided out of the training chamber, he nodded a greeting at the guard waiting for him outside of the door.

"All right," he said briskly. "Who wishes to see me? Where are they?"

"He is just outside, Shadowhand. One of the foreign group who addressed the Bright Queen earlier. Caleb Widogast."

Essek slowed at the name. _Caleb._ Essek wasn't ready to face him, yet. It had been hard enough to keep from staring at him throughout the meeting; hell, it had been a difficult feat in and of itself to keep from flitting off to Bazzoxan to check on him the moment he'd heard that one of the group members had been lost!

 _I can't put it off forever,_ he reminded himself. _At least he chose to come to me. I can spare myself the humiliation of having to track him down and humble myself._

At the foot of the steps that connected the Lucid Bastion to the outer courtyard, Caleb was waiting. He was obviously agitated: his hands were rubbing together as he paced back and forth, and as Essek approached, he could hear the wizard muttering under his breath. Caleb looked up, and Essek quickly looked away, glancing about in an effort to appear disinterested. If Caleb had come to apologize, Essek would magnanimously forgive him and simply avoid having to beg for forgiveness himself.

"Hello," he greeted politely. "I heard you're looking for me."

"Ah, that is correct. Do you have a moment for me?"

To Essek's dismay, the guard who had accompanied him returned to his station at the foot of the stairway. On the other side, a second guard stood at attention. This was not the best location for a private conversation. Essek would have to remain neutral and do what he could to steer Caleb away from the heartfelt confession that was no doubt burning behind the wizard's lips.  "A moment I can spare, yes," he replied. "What do you require?"

This was it. Essek braced himself, already running demure dismissals in his head over the apology that was surely coming. He had already forgiven Caleb, of course, and had come to terms with his own his own faults, but he couldn't let the conversation go _too_ easily. Caleb might think Essek was a pushover. Best to make him sweat a little.

"I am embarrassed, but um..." Caleb looked away for a moment as he sorted his own thoughts. "I––I have just come from your prisons. The queen granted us the ability to visit the Scourger that you have there."

 _The Scourger?_ Essek murmured a vague acknowledgment. This wasn't exactly the topic of conversation he had expected. But there were two guards nearby. Maybe Caleb had gotten cold feet mid-sentence. Maybe he was second-guessing how he wanted to issue his apology.

Or maybe he wasn't planning on apologizing at all.

Caleb continued talking, his words growing more scattered, more disjointed with each moment that passed. As he stammered his way through a rather one-sided conversation, Essek listened with growing concern. Caleb was acting strangely. Rambling, fidgeting, avoiding eye contact even more than usual. It seemed as though there was more to his strange visit other than to request permission to see the Scourger again. If there were any hidden meanings in his mumbling words, however, Essek couldn't decipher them.

_There might not even be any hidden meanings. I could be looking for something that isn't there._

The realization stung. Had Caleb already moved on and was deciding to act as though nothing had happened between them? Did he actually have the gall to give Essek a tongue-lashing, run off to nearly die, and then come back to ask another favor with no indication that he felt even the slightest bit of remorse for what had happened?

Essek didn't know how to handle this situation. Nothing in his two centauries to experience had prepared him for dealing with people like Caleb.

And he wasn't at _all_ prepared for this conversation.

The moment he had the chance to do so, Essek excused himself and left Caleb behind to return to the mages still practicing their spells. As he whisked back through the corridors of the Bastion, he couldn't help but to feel as though he had escaped something––and at the same time, he felt as though he had missed something terribly important.

The disappointed look on Caleb's already bleak expression followed him as he concluded the remainder of the lesson and sent his students on their way. An hour later, Caleb's words were still buzzing through his mind. There was something unsettling about them. Something... _off._

_This isn't about a petty argument anymore. Something's wrong._

As soon as the last of his training materials were put away, Essek made a quick trip to his personal chambers to change out of his formal robes and made his way to the Xhorhaus. It was already growing late, the streets quiet and dark save for the occasional dim glow of street lanterns. Essek slowed as he reached the house, and immediately cast an invisibility spell on himself as he noticed movement on the front stoop. There, seated casually on the top step of the front door, was Beau. With her bandage-wrapped fists hanging casually over her knees, she let her head tilt back to rest against the door, her half-lidded eyes shadowed as she kept watch on the road.

_Interesting. She looks as though she's expecting someone. Or something. I wonder how many enemies she's made in her short time here? They haven't exactly been keeping a low profile..._

Essek watched her silently for several moments, then glanced up at the balcony as a second figure shifted in the shadows. Jester was laying alongside the banisters, her arms tucked under her chin and her legs swaying slowly as her tail lashed in the air. She looked bored.

_Not going in through the front, apparently. Obviously can't climb through the balcony, either. Back door, then. Unless they added chimes to that one, too. Hmm. Maybe they left a window open..._

Essek's gaze skimmed along the window panes, then dropped to the corner of the building. At this late hour, humans typically prepared for bed. The library Essek had seen had been near this corner of the building. If he remembered correctly, there was a smaller room tucked away just behind it: a quiet, private room, perfect for a book-loving, socially inept wizard to set up his private quarters. Essek glided along the perimeter of the building, mentally laying out the interior of the house until he finally stopped in front of one wall. This seemed like a likely location. He pressed his palm against the dark stones and concentrated on manipulating their density. The tiny molecules of matter that made up the stones began to shift, pulsing sluggishly until they became malleable enough to pass through. Essek's hand sank into the stone; then his arm; then finally the rest of him. He stepped through the wall, and as he emerged into the interior of the home, the wall solidified behind him.

_Child's play._

Essek grinned, silently congratulating himself on yet another spell perfectly cast. He didn't often have cause to use density-based dunamacy. It was good to utilize it again.

The room he emerged into was small and sparse: a plain bed shoved up against the wall; a single rickety desk with two books placed neatly upon it; an old storage trunk. Essek wondered where the Mighty Nein was spending the generous reward the Bright Queen had granted them. It certainly wasn't on decor. There weren't even any curtains hung up around the lone window.

With an inward shrug, Essek turned his attention to the open doorway. Flickering candlelight illuminated the library beyond, where Essek could hear the soft scratching of a quill being dragged along paper. He drifted towards the door and stood silently at the threshold to watch Caleb. The wizard was seated at the round table, writing frantically into a book. A candle had been placed in the center of the table, and at his elbow was a pot of ink and a stained rag. Not far away, a tarnished flask offered a dull glimmer in the candle light.

Caleb himself looked a mess. His coat was flung upon the floor near the alchemy table, and his hair curtained his features as he hunched over his work. He shook his head as he wrote, as though disagreeing with his own words. One leg jiggled frantically. Essek could feel the faint vibration of the floor disrupting the gravitational field that kept him upright.

_Well, then. Breaking and entering. Spying. Arguable stalking. So far, so good._

Essek banished his invisibility spell. At the same moment, Caleb glanced up to dip his quill into the inkpot. He froze as Essek suddenly appeared, his head snapping up in alarm. Essek cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Hello, Caleb."

Caleb stared at him silently, his arm still outstretched. Essek folded his hands together beneath his robe and dug his nails into his skin to keep himself focused.

"I apologize for the sudden intrusion, but, ah...that book I gave you. The one about the betrayer gods. I know I said it was a gift, but in light of recent developments––"

"Ja. Okay." Caleb set the quill down and got up to cross the room. He pulled a single book from the mostly bare bookcase and tossed it atop the corner of the table as he reclaimed his seat. The insult was obvious; he had pointedly avoided getting close enough to Essek to hand it to him. It was clear that this visit was not a welcomed one.

"Thank you." Essek glided slowly to the table to collect the book, then backed away. He waited a moment, hoping that Caleb would invite him to sit down, or initiate some manner of conversation, or make any kind of outward indication that he would appreciate some company.

Caleb picked up his flask, took a swig of whatever was in it, and picked up his quill to begin writing again.

_Well, fuck you, too._

It was an uncharitable thought, one Essek immediately regretted. He clenched his jaw and offered a curt nod of acceptance. "Well," he said quietly. "I should return to my duties. Contact me when you and your party are ready to travel." He turned back towards the door. Just as he started to glide away, a soft voice responded.

"Do you ever get tired of living?"

Essek halted. He turned slowly, his brows furrowed and he looked back at Caleb.

"How do you mean?"

Caleb finished writing and set the quill down to stare dully at the open book. "Elves live such long lives," he murmured. "You are already over two hundred years old. Far older than I could ever hope to be." He fell silent. Essek glided back to the table, set the book down, and pulled back the second chair to seat himself. He was _definitely_ not leaving now.

"Do _you_ ever get tired of living?" he replied delicately.

Caleb didn't answer right away. He continued to stare down at his book, then slowly closed it. "I don't know," he mumbled. "The things I've seen... The people I've lost..." He fell silent for a moment, and finally looked up. "I have faced death many times, Essek. I have a healthy fear of it. I am not suggesting that it would be good to die," he added earnestly. "Although maybe it would be. I don't know. I just question my path at times. Where I am going. Where I have been. What I have done."

He voice grew quieter as he spoke. From the shadows under the table, Frumpkin poked its head up and rested its front paws against Caleb's thigh for a few seconds before hopping onto his lap. Caleb curled his arms around it and hugged the cat closer. "What is it like, Essek?" he asked into the soft fur. "Knowing that even when you die, you needn't fear death?"

Somehow, this didn't seem to be the right time to pontificate about the glories of the Luxon. Essek hesitated before speaking, wanting to avoid sounding like an overzealous priest looking for a new convert. "Comforting," he replied cautiously. "Peaceful. Exciting, in a way. My next life will be very different than this one. I may come back as a goblin, or a bugbear––a bard, or a soldier. There are so many possibilities." He paused, then offered a grin. "It might surprise you to learn that I was quite mischievous in my youth," he added in a lighter tone. "I delighted in stirring up drama between neighbors. A few well-chosen secrets whispered into the right ears, an interesting letter relocated from one pocket to another..." He chuckled at the memories. "I took no end of enjoyment in seeing people turn upon one another. I think, had I not followed the arcane path and matured accordingly, I might have ended up some manner of criminal. A thief, perhaps. Or a smuggler." He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I've always found the idea fascinating," he admitted. "Perhaps in another lifetime, I'll be able to explore how the world works on the other side of the law."

Caleb did not share his smile. He tucked his head closer to his familiar, and Essek noticed that his upper body was swaying slightly: a barely discernable rocking motion back and forth. "Death means nothing to you," Caleb mumbled. "You are consecuted. You will be reborn. Tell me, Essek. How many of the soldiers who will die defending Bazzoxan have also been consecuted? How many will be reborn to live and grow and learn?"

"Caleb...they're _soldiers."_ Essek folded his arms upon the table and leaned forward in concern. "They know full well that at any given moment, they may be called upon to be the first line of defense against an unknown enemy, and that they may die in a hopeless battle. That is why outposts such as Bazzoxan exist. If a battle comes there, it must be fought. How else will we learn our enemies' strengths and weaknesses, that we may be more effective in the battles to come?" He waited for a response. When none came, he leaned back with a wry smile. "Though if you have a definitive way to defeat this danger, by all means, do share it," he continued dryly. "We will put the knowledge to great use."

"There is no way to defeat it."

"Then there is no point in running. Wherever we send our soldiers, they will be in danger." Essek shrugged. "Perhaps in the battle, they will learn of a weakness to exploit. For now, we must simply wait and see what happens."

"Many people will die."

"Such is the way of life."

Caleb snorted. _"Life."_ There was a sneer to his voice as he spoke. He set Frumpkin upon the table and started to reach for the flask. Essek quickly snatched it out from under his hand and unstopped the lid to give the contents a tentative sniff. He didn't recognize the smell, but whatever Caleb had been drinking was obviously some manner of alcohol––a potent one, judging by the sharp scent. With a wrinkle of his nose, Essek capped the lid and set the flask further out of Caleb's reach.

"I think you've had enough of this," he mused as Caleb cast him a dark glower. "Perhaps some tea would be better to calm your nerves."

Caleb's glower drew darker. He muttered something in Zemnian and set his elbows on the table, his hands sweeping over his hair until his fingers locked behind his neck. His head hung low for a moment, then popped up with a heavy sigh. "You are right," he said. "I have had too much already. And I do not think it is working. But I am sick of tea."

He pushed himself up and walked around his chair to collect his discarded coat. As he folded it up, Essek watched him closely. Caleb seemed more irritated than morose, now. _I so rarely see him happy,_ Essek realized. _He smiles occasionally, but there's always something sad about it. The only time I've truly seen him light up is when discussing books. Or magic._

_I shouldn't have brushed him off, earlier. He needs someone to listen to him._

He laced his fingers together and rested his chin upon them as he studied the wizard. "The one you lost," he started slowly. "Were you close to her?"

Caleb's head snapped up. The coat crumpled in his grip as his fingers tightened around the dark fabric. "How do you know of her?" he hissed. There was a note of panic in his voice that Essek hadn't expected. Brow lofting, he leaned back to regard the wizard curiously.

"Your companion said that one of your members fell," he replied. "The only one not in attendance at the Cathedral was the tall one. Yasha."

Caleb visibly relaxed. "Ah. Yasha." He finished folding the coat and set it on the corner of the alchemy table. "I did not know her very well. I don't think any of us did. But we were used to her. We trusted her." His expression darkened. "She trusted _us._ And we left her behind to die." Caleb returned to the table, but did not reclaim his seat. Instead, he scooped Frumpkin up and cradled him on his back, one hand kneading the side of the cat's face. "I had another friend some time ago," he continued. "He died fighting alongside me. He gave his life in a quest to save the lives of others."

The fingers kneading the cat moved faster, harder. Had Frumpkin been a normal cat, Essek had no doubt it would have twisted away from the rough treatment. When Caleb spoke again, there was more urgency to his voice, his words growing faster and more heated. "I don't know if he will come back. Perhaps there was a beacon of the Luxon nearby that will see fit to give him another chance. Or perhaps he will just rot in the ground and be forgotten. He should not be forgotten. He was an _asshole,_ but he was a good person who did good things, and he did not deserve to die so horribly. At least I do not think he did. I don't know. All I know is that these people––these strange, infuriating, wonderful people––" He gestured almost angrily to the door that led into the main portion of the house. "They've become my family. Now I've lost two, and I wonder how many more I will lose before our journey comes to an end. I wonder how many of them will be hurt because of my actions." The heat left his voice, and his face fell as he continued. "And I wonder...if the moment ever comes...would I be willing to give up my life to save them, as I know they would give up theirs to save me?"

He cast Essek an almost desperate look, as though he was actually expecting an answer. Essek faltered, several replies popping into his mind and then flitting away. No response seemed adequate. "These are very deep thoughts, Caleb," he said finally, and Caleb ducked his head to bury his face in the fur of his familiar's belly.

"It has been a long day," came his muffled reply. He began to sway again, and Essek rose slowly from his seat. He started to move towards Caleb, then pulled back. Caleb was being open about his feelings for the moment, but Essek couldn't assume it was in invitation for closeness.

"Will you be okay?" he asked.

A soft snort escaped the wizard. "No," he said shortly. "I am never okay.  I haven't been okay for a long time." He dropped Frumpkin to the table and raked his fingers through his messy hair. "Every time I start to get close to someone, something happens. They leave. They die. The people I care about keep getting hurt, often because of me. You are proof of that," he added with a gesture towards Essek. "I was so certain that I was doing everything right. I should have known better. _Nothing_ I do is right. Why did I even try? Why do I _ever_ try?"

He shook his head and rubbed at his face. Essek moved forward again, this time to lay a hand upon Caleb's shoulder. He had meant it to be a simple gesture of acknowledgement: a touch to let Caleb know he was not alone. To his surprise, Caleb turned towards him to curl into the touch. Essek automatically spread his arms to accept the silent request for comfort and folded them around the wizard's frail frame. It felt strange to embrace Caleb. Between the conversation, the mood, the recent history they had shared...Essek really didn't know what to make of the moment.

Caleb didn't return the embrace, but he leaned against Essek's chest, his face buried against the Shadowhand's shoulder. "I am sorry, Essek," he mumbled. "For everything. I am a shit person, and the things I do are also shit."

Essek gave him an awkward pat on the back. "It's in the past. Let's not speak of it again."

"I don't want to do that." Caleb pulled away to stare at Essek's collar with an unfocused gaze. "I have too many words in my head. I don't get them out, they will drive me to madness. Everything that happened..." He raised his hands to cup the empty air, then clenched his fingers and let his hands drop back to his sides. "I have not been entirely forthright with you, Essek," he said. "Yes, there were ulterior motives. I thought they aligned with yours, and I was wrong, and I fucked up, and I am sorry."

"We’ve already established as much, Caleb. You don’t have to––"

"Let me finish." Caleb stepped backwards, and his eyes skipped up to lock briefly onto Essek's before dropping to settle on his chin. "I––I need to be honest. No more hidden motives. I wanted to learn from you, yes—and I was willing to fuck you in order to achieve that goal. I did mean to use you, but I believed you were using me back. I thought that was the understanding––that we were going to use one another for mutual benefit. But I enjoyed it, and I did not think I would, and I—I— _I don’t know what this is."_ He took another step back, his hands darting in the air in frustration as he turned away with a grimace. "Ach, words are so difficult. They always sound different in my head."

Essek grinned. "Mine, as well." The grin faded. He tucked his hands back into his robes as he reevaluated the tone of the conversation. He had already given up the expectation that Caleb was going to bring up the issue, but now that he had... "Caleb," Essek said slowly. "While we were together...did you feel anything for me? Anything at all?"

Caleb looked at Essek, his brows drawn tight in confusion. "I...some?" He paused, then pinched the bridge of his nose. "It is hard to describe. I like talking with you, Essek. And being with you. But it is confusing."

Essek chuckled. "I think it's safe to say I was confused the entire time I was with you," he returned wryly. "You certainly know how to keep a man intrigued." He glanced down at the table and took a moment to scratch Frumpkin's ears. "This was not your fault," he said as the familiar trilled an acknowledgment of the touch. "And it was not mine, either. It was just a misunderstanding." There, Essek hesitated. He hadn’t liked how vulnerable he had felt after their previous tryst, and eager as he was to salvage their relationship, he didn’t want to put himself in that position again. If they were to reconcile the relationship, he wanted it to be something meaningful––for _both_ of them. "The way I see it," he continued cautiously, "we now have a choice to make. We can either return to where we began and think no more of it...or we can continue onwards with our newfound understanding and see where things lead. I don't think I can help you with your other troubles, but...I can at least be here for you. If you'll let me."

For a long moment, Caleb was silent. His face was turned away, his shoulders hunched, his arms crossed over his abdomen. As the silence stretched into an agonizing tension, Essek picked up Frumpkin. and drifted over to Caleb. "Here," he said quietly. "At least give your familiar some attention. It's––he's worried about you." He pressed the cat against Caleb's elbow, and Caleb turned to accept it. For a moment, he only held the cat––then, his eyes flicking up, he let the cat fall to the floor, hooked his fingers over the edge of Essek's mantle, and gave a sharp tug. Essek inclined with the motion, and his breath caught as Caleb's lips met his.

_This––I––what––_

Caleb pulled him closer, his tongue plunging past Essek's lips in silent demand. A deep, throaty moan vibrated through Essek's chest; he sank into the kiss, his hands gripping desperately at Caleb's shoulders, his lips burning with the onslaught of unexpected sensation. It didn't last long; Caleb pulled back, panting softly as his fingers curled against the fabric of Essek's robe.

"It has been a very shitty day," he muttered. "I could use a distraction right now."

The rush of excitement already heating Essek's blood cooled at the comment. "I don't want to be a distraction," he said sharply. "If this is just a––"

"I am not saying the words right," Caleb interrupted. "I meant I could use some...ah..." He winced, his fingertips tapping at his temple as he tried to find the right translation. "I can not think of the word. Stress relief. Physical release."

"Sex?" Essek prompted.

"Ja. That." Caleb's fingers curled against Essek's robe again, but he leaned back to regard the Shadowhand with an unreadable gaze. "But I can do without it," he continued. "The sex is not what interests me. _You_ are the one I want to explore, Essek. I want to know _you._ That is what I meant."

Relief flooded through Essek. He quirked a grin, then narrowed his eyes in mock reproach. "Was the sex that bad?" he teased.

"Not at all. But I gained more pleasure from watching you enjoy yourself than in the act itself." Caleb looked down to toy with the embroidered edges of Essek's collar. "And that is fine. I suspected I would have limited interest in copulation. I am actually surprised at how invested I became, once we began." With his head still slightly bowed, his rolled his gaze up to look at Essek through his eyelashes. "But it is not something I would actively pursue with other people," he added. "Not unless I cared very deeply for them. And I do care about you, Essek. In my own way."

Essek's heart fluttered. He swallowed and tried to ignore the rush of heat pooling between his legs. "And what way is that?" he asked. When Caleb hesitated, Essek offered a smile. "You don’t behave in the same manner as the humans I’m used to dealing with. And you’re not at all like the ones in those books I purchased. One of them came directly from the Empire, so I can only assume the humans depicted within were of a typical sort."

Brows arching high, Caleb raised his gaze to stare at Essek directly. "You are comparing me to the humans in your smutty romance novels?"

With a dramatic roll of his eyes, Essek heaved a heavy sigh. _"Ugh,_ those books were _terrible,_ Caleb. You have no idea."

Caleb's flat expression broke into a grin as he let out a shot laugh. "I am...not typical," he admitted. "And I am well aware of it.  But I get along well enough. I may not show affection in the ways you are used to, but the affection is still there. I am not without feeling."

Essek's hands drifted up to cover Caleb's. "Then you have feelings for me." The words were barely audible, even to himself. He hadn't realized how important it was to hear Caleb say such a thing to him. It was difficult to remind himself that he had felt this same exhilaration just days ago, and had promptly experienced a great deal of pain at having it ripped away from him.

_But Caleb isn't the sort of person who would do it intentionally. I'm certain of it._

Caleb stared at Essek's hands. Slowly, he rotated his own to let his fingers curl around Essek's. "Some," he replied uncertainly. "I'm not sure what they are, or what they may become. But I do know that I would like to see your window again."

Essek stared at him blankly. Caleb gave him an expectant look, realized that Essek wasn't understanding, and clarified. "That was a callback," he said. "Last time we met like this, you used a pretty window as an excuse to lure me into your bedroom. I would like to get a better look at it. Suggestive smile and eyebrow waggle." He bared his teeth and arched his brows to illustrate his words. The flimsy attempt at seduction brought a bright grin to Essek's lips. He took Caleb's hands and brought his fingers to his lips to give the pale knuckles a gentle kiss.

"Well," he murmured, "if you liked the window, perhaps you would enjoy my door. I would gladly open it to you, should you ever care to visit."

Caleb's eyes narrowed slightly. "Euphemism?"

"Euphemism."

"Bedroom?"

"Bedroom."

Caleb flicked his gaze to Frumpkin. The cat trotted to the main doorway and sat alertly before it to listen for visitors. At the same time, Caleb gave Essek's mantle another tug, then released him to walk towards the door that led to his bedroom. He stripped his shirt off as he walked, casting it aside carelessly as he passed through the threshold. Essek drifted after him, already unfastening the clasps of his mantle and drawing it from his shoulders. As soon as he was in the room, he shut the door and set the mantle on top of the trunk. He was relieved, excited––and terrified.

_Is this another trick? Is he intentionally seducing me, now that he knows I'm susceptible to it? Is he just trying to get me to lower my defenses, that I might reveal more secrets to him? Secrets he could take back to the Empire and use against us?_

Caleb unfastened his belt and yanked it away with a sharp snap of leather. Essek's mouth went dry as he watched the human casually coil the strap around his hand to roll it up with an authoritative air.

_Fuck it, I don't even care anymore..._

As Essek shrugged out of his robe, Caleb sat on the edge of the bed to remove his boots. He kept his eyes on Essek all the while, and lifted his chin as Essek began to unhook his braces. "Leave them on."

Essek froze. With his fingers still hooked around the first fastening, he arched his brow at the wizard. "And how do you expect me to remove my trousers?"

"Take them off, then put them back on," Caleb amended.

Essek's eyes narrowed in confusion. "This is highly unusual," he said, and Caleb shrugged as he tossed aside his first boot.

"You look good in silver."

The compliment thrilled through Essek. He straightened, pleased by the praise. "I do, don't I," he replied. "Very well. Shall I put my mantle back on, then?"

With a curl of his lip, Caleb cast the mantle a look of disgust. "No," he said flatly. "That is who people expect you to be. Those..." He jerked his chin up to indicate the braces. "Those are who you really are. I want to see _you."_

Essek cocked his head in consideration, then shifted his hands to the harness strapped around his waist. "You are a very strange man," he said.

"I know."

As Caleb began to untie his other boot, Essek worked on his harness. All of his trousers had one attached to them. It allowed him to connect a simple fasting to the top of his braces to keep them from slipping as he moved around. He unhooked the clasp and drew it aside, acutely aware of Caleb watching him. There was a heavy thunk of the second boot striking the floor, but Caleb remained on the bed, silent and unreadable. Essek angled his body to give him the best view, twisting gracefully as he started to work on the braces themselves. He enjoyed having an audience, but it would have been more enjoyable if Caleb were at his side, as he had been the first time.

_You could undress me again. No hands. Only use your teeth._

Essek kept the desire silent. Their relationship hadn't quite reached that level of creativity. Once it did, though, there were many things Essek wanted the wizard to do to him.

Starting with making use of that discarded belt.

As soon as the last of his garments were removed, Essek hooked the harness around his waist and fastened it to the braces. It felt strange to feel the cool metal sliding against his bare skin. Strange...and oddly arousing. He looked around hopefully for a full length mirror to admire himself in.

Nothing. Not even a hand mirror.

Essek couldn't imaging living without a mirror.

He looked back at Caleb. The human had cast aside the remainder of his own clothing and was rubbing himself casually. As soon as their eyes met, Caleb stood to begin rummaging through the drawer of the rickety desk beside his bed. Essek drifted closer to him, and lowered himself to the corner of the mattress as Caleb withdrew a small vial.

 _Should I ask him to wear something as well?_ Essek wondered. _Hmm. No. He doesn't need anything extra. He's perfect as he is._

The thought was startling. _Perfect as is._ Was such a thing possible?  Essek had spent a lifetime believing that there was no greater insult than call anyone other than an umavi perfect...yet the more he thought about it, the more he realized that there was nothing about Caleb that he would change. Was that what Caleb had meant when he had said that there was beauty in imperfection?

_...What does it even mean to be perfect?_

Caleb uncorked the vial and stood expectantly before Essek. "Just to be clear, I am fucking you this time. Ja?"

"Ja," Essek breathed.

Caleb's gaze lowered to Essek's legs. He ran his hand slowly along one of the braces, drifting upwards before sliding his palm along the bare skin of Essek's inner thigh. "Sehr gut," he murmured.

Essek bit his lower lip and glanced over his shoulder. There was only one pillow on the bed, small and poorly stuffed. Even folded in half, it wouldn't do much to prop up his hips. It looked as though he was going to be on his back again. With a vague gesture and a shove against the mattress, Essek commanded his gravitational field to lift him just enough to allow him to maneuver his body into a comfortable position, then banished the magic to focus on Caleb. Caleb climbed on the bed after him, one knee lodging between Essek's as he shook out a small portion of oil and stroked himself again. Essek watched him hungrily, biting back another moan as Caleb hooked his arm beneath one of Essek's legs and hiked it up to apply the oil to Essek as well.

_It's like he's done this a hundred times already._

Eyes slit speculatively, Essek clenched his hands against the sheets beneath him as he savored the sensation of Caleb's fingers sliding into him. He was beginning to suspect he had been misled. Caleb had told him that he had never done this before...but for all Essek knew, Caleb had meant he had never done it with another _man_ before.

_Or he could have been outright lying._

_Or he could simply be as fast a learner with this as he is with everything else._

_...Now is probably not the best time to ask him about it._

Caleb pulled back and tossed the vial aside, then hiked Essek's leg higher. As he leaned forward, he shoved pointedly at Essek's hip; bemused, Essek rolled slightly to lay on his side.

"What are you doing?" he murmured.

"Page thirty-eight."

With Essek's leg still resting between his knees, Caleb shuffled forward to position himself. He kept Essek's other leg hugged against his chest so that Essek's calf rested over his shoulder. Essek took a moment to study the position and arched his brows in sudden recognition. "You mean from that sex book?"

"You lingered on the page that depicted this position."

"Do you remember everything?"

"Ja."

Caleb rolled his hips. Essek bit back a gasp at the pressure of the hot length pressing into him. His mouth dropped open silently, his face turning to press against the mattress as he closed his eyes to focus solely on the pressure of Caleb driving into him. The bed was old and worn; its legs squeaked and wobbled as Caleb rocked against Essek. Essek jammed his knuckles between his teeth and bit down to keep from moaning loudly enough to wake the entire household. The feeling of Caleb's hot breath warming his thigh, the soft pants of exertion, the rhythmic pounding of Caleb driving into him...while the position itself wasn't as pleasurable as Essek had expected, it didn't matter. He was with Caleb. That was all he needed.

"Am I doing this correctly?"

Essek slit his eyes open to look back at the wizard. His breath hitched in his throat as he caught sight of his leg propped up upon Caleb's shoulder. In the flickering light of the candle in the other room, the silver brace glittered hypnotically, and the reddish highlights of Caleb's hair took on the appearance of fire.

_We look so good together._

Essek managed to find his voice, even as a fresh wave of desire rushed through him. "It is comfortable," he replied. "I wouldn't mind staying like this for a while. But the angle isn't hitting me quite right."

Caleb's thrusts slowed, and he nodded in agreement. "Ja. I like holding your leg, but the position is awkward. I will try something else. Can you get your legs beneath you?"

He carefully lowered Essek's leg back to the mattress, and Essek awkwardly grabbed his knees to bend them into a folded potion. He wasn't going to waste a spell for this; curled on his side, he cast a coy glance over his shoulder. "Would you help me turn?"

Caleb gripped his hips as Essek pressed the heels of his palms into the mattress. Between the two of them, Essek was able to lodge his knees beneath him and lock them into place. As he shifted to brace his weight upon his hands, he could already feel the slight shift of his knees as his legs began to spread. It wouldn't be long before he was laying on his belly with his legs sprawled to the sides. Essek sighed inwardly and glanced around the room again. No extra pillows. Not even a thick blanket to roll up. What did Caleb do, sleep in his coat? Didn't he get cold? Essek would have to make a point of requisitioning more bedding for the residents of Xhorhaus. It wouldn't do to let his charges shiver in the cold of the night.

Caleb unexpectedly thrust into him again. Essek lurched forward, his face grinding into the pillow as he let out a deep moan of appreciation. Now _this_ was a good angle.

"Were you watching me, before?"

Essek's eyes popped open. His fingers dug into the corners of the pillow as Caleb continued to pound into him.

"Before?" he asked evasively.

Caleb's fingers clenched against Essek's hips, and he stopped thrusting to lean over Essek's back until his lips were right beside the Shadowhand's ear. "Several nights ago," he murmured. "I was trying to sleep. I felt a presence nearby. It felt like you, but when I opened my eyes, there was no one there. Just me and my companions."

Essek licked his lips nervously. It was on the tip of his tongue to deny everything, else shrug and give a coy dismissal without confirming anything either way. But Caleb was too smart for that. If he was asking, it was because he already knew.

"I...may have composed a remote tracing spell and used the pearl you returned to me as a focus in order to test its effectiveness," Essek admitted.

Caleb was silent for a moment. His breath caressed Essek's neck, sending a pleasant tingle along the dark skin before he pulled back. "You make your own spells?" He gave his hips a hard buck, and Essek flung his arm up to serve as a cushion between his head and the headboard as he lurched forward again. A grin curled across his lips as Caleb picked up the pace, and he rested his forehead upon his arm as the friction began to grow to a maddening heat.

"When I can find the time," he replied flippantly. "It is an extremely complex process, one that took me years to fully master. I have a knack for it, thankfully. I suppose one might say it's my––"

"Specialty."

There was a faintly amused note in Caleb's voice at the interruption. Essek chanced a glance over his shoulder, his lips quirking sheepishly.

"Was I bragging?"

"A little."

Heat rose to Essek's face––a combination of embarrassment and arousal. He laughed and offered a careless shrug. "What can I say? I'm good at what I do. _Ughn,_ Light be praised, Caleb, right there..." He tucked his head down and panted as Caleb struck him in just the right spot. His legs began to spread apart, and Caleb sank with him into the mattress before finally pulling back to begin pushing at Essek's hips. Brows arching in surprise, Essek twisted under Caleb's direction until he was on his back again, and bit his lip as Caleb hiked up both of his legs to hook them over his shoulders. The wizard shuffled forward and inclined over Essek, his hands pressing heavily into the mattress on either side of his arms.

"I do not like being spied upon."

The comment was accompanied with a hard thrust as Caleb inclined even further. He pressed downwards, forcing Essek's body to fold in half. Essek's legs bobbed over Caleb's shoulders, his feet flopping limply within the silver casing of the attachments fixed to his braces. It was hard to breathe in his position, but the pressure was intoxicating. Essek swallowed and panted, licking his lips eagerly as Caleb began to grind against him.

"Few people do," he managed.

The long strands of Caleb's unkempt hair brushed against Essek's collar. The wizard kept his pale eyes steady on Essek's, his expression flat and intent. "Do you spy on the others?" he demanded.

He was hitting the right spot again. Essek squirmed against him, one hand snaking between their bodies to cup his balls protectively as Caleb thrust harder. "That...is not information...I'm authorized to divulge," he gasped.

Caleb's voice lowered, and he applied a little more pressure. Essek's knees were nearly bent back to his ears; Essek could see his face reflected back at him in the silver of his knee guards, could feel the curve of Caleb's own knees shuffling forward just enough to slip beneath Essek's lower back to keep his body folded. "Does the Dynasty trust us?" Caleb pressed.

It took a few moments for Essek to respond. He let his head fall back as he gasped in a few breaths and tugged on his dick a few times before speaking. "I must say, Caleb," he panted, "this...is the most pleasurable way I've ever been interrogated. Using my attraction towards you...taking advantage of this temporary position of power over me...distracting me with that lovely voice as you service me..." He smiled at the human and rolled his hips invitingly. "Well done." Caleb's eyes narrowed. He started to pull back, and Essek quickly looped his arms around the wizard's neck to keep him close. "Not yet, Caleb," he murmured. "It might interest you that for the past several days, I've grown tentatively curious about the bondage experience." His lifted his chin, his lips ghosting across Caleb's. "Perhaps one day," he whispered, "you might be interested in tying me up and punishing me for my insolence."

They were close enough to share breath. Caleb's hair swung gently against Essek's cheeks, and Caleb slowed his movements as he stared down at the Shadowhand in confusion. "I can not tell if you are being serious or if you are mocking me."

Essek let his arms slide away from Caleb's neck, though he cupped the wizard's face between his palms to keep him from pulling away. "I am very open to experimentation, Caleb," he said quietly. "Every experience is valuable." He stroked Caleb's cheeks. "Even the bad ones. The trials we go through in life make us who we are...and teach us who not to be." He let his thumb drag over Caleb's lower lip and lifted his head from the pillow, his own lips parting in a silent invitation. Caleb lowered his head enough to meet him, capturing his lips in a gentle kiss that quickly deepened in mutual demand. As their tongues warred against one another, Essek folded his arms around Caleb's neck again, and Caleb began to grind against him. It wasn't long before Caleb broke away, his breath coming in heavy pants as his rhythm broke into a frantic thrusting. A moment later, he seized up, his teeth gritting as he bucked against Essek. Essek writhed at the sensation of fluidic heat flooding into him––and clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle his moans as Caleb pulled out and immediately jammed his fingers into him. The direct stimulation of his fingertips pumping vigorously against him was enough to push Essek over the edge; he bucked and bit down hard on his knuckles as his own release struck him.

As the waves of ecstasy receded, Caleb collapsed next to him, one arm slung over Essek's chest. His leg draped over Essek's to rest between the dark thighs, his skin still scorching from his own passions. For several moments, they simply laid there, gasping for air as their bodies cooled. Essek's hand groped for Caleb's and curled over the work-hardened fingers. This was good. This was perfect. As long as neither of them said anything to fuck this moment up, Essek would be content to lay like this forever.

Caleb's breath tickled his neck. Essek's lips peeled back in a fond smile, a chuckle rolling through his throat as he gave the wizard's hand a squeeze. "Thank you, Caleb," he said softly.

"Hmm?" The response was barely audible. Essek felt the vibration against his shoulder, and turned his head slightly to admire the human resting beside him.

"For forgiving me so easily," he clarified, then grinned wider. "And for the thoroughly enjoyable sex."

Caleb's eyes rolled to meet his. His hand slid out from beneath Essek's, his fingertips grazing along Essek's neck before tracing the line of his jaw. He touched Essek's cheek, his nose, his lips––then snapped his hand back as Essek gave his fingers a playful nip. A rare smile flickered over the wizard's face; he flicked the tip of Essek's nose in response, and as Essek retaliated by flicking his ear, he reached up to ruffle Essek's hair. Essek immediately abandoned his assault to pat it back into place.

"Truce!" he laughed. With a low chuckle of his own, Caleb let his hand drop back to Essek's chest. They fell silent again. Somewhere in the floor above them, a floorboard creaked. Essek listened with mild interest, but heard no other sounds.

He hoped no one had heard _him._

He let his fingers trace a path along Caleb's forearm before closing his fingers loosely over the human's boney wrist. Now that the thrill of passion well spent was beginning to recede, he couldn't keep his earlier concerns at bay. He thought over everything Caleb had said to him, both at the table and back at the Bastion. His smile fading, he took a moment to stroke the soft strands of Caleb's hair. "Something troubles me in all this," he sighed.

"Just one thing?" Caleb mumbled back.

Essek grinned. "It _has_ been rather tumultuous, hasn't it," he murmured. He sighed again. "I do wonder at your scruples, though," he continued in a more serious tone. "You were willing to trade sex for a favor. That's not really a healthy mindset to have."

"The trade was for courtship," Caleb reminded him. "I thought you wanted the experience of being romanced. It was not until later that I realized you expected more."

"Yet you made no effort to dissuade me," Essek insisted. "You reciprocated."

"I thought I was supposed to."

The annoyance of their previous argument flared back into him. Essek was quick to swallow it back. The incident had already been laid to rest. There was no point in reviving it. "Is that a common practice in the Empire?" he asked instead. "You said something to that effect at our pervious encounter––that this is a thing people do. Have you done it before?"

Caleb hesitated before answering. His fingers closed beneath Essek's palm, then slid away to rub absently over one dark nipple. "Something similar to it," he admitted carefully. "I am an opportunist, Essek. If I can take advantage of a situation, I will."

Disappoint at the answer warred with the amusement of having his nipple toyed with. "And you won’t tell me more than that," Essek translated.

"I am under no obligation to share my history with you."

_And the moment is ruined. That didn't take long._

Lips pressing thin, Essek pushed Caleb's hand away and started to rise. "Of course," he replied tartly. "Far be it from me to be anyone’s obligation." As he cast his gravity spell and rose from the bed, Caleb spread his limbs out to take up the vacated space, his expression blank as he watched Essek begin to unfasten his harness.

"You are still angry."

"I’m..." Essek's fingers paused in the act of unlatching the harness clasp. He sighed, then continued. "You're obviously keeping something hidden from me," he replied as he slipped off one leg brace. "If you ever wish to speak of it, I am ready to listen. One does not solve their problems by running away from them. All that does is invite the problems to grow." He pulled off the second brace and set it aside to gather his trousers. As he sat upon the edge of the bed to begin the undignified process of trying to maneuver his feet into the pant legs, Caleb pushed himself up to drape his arms around the Shadowhand's shoulders. His chest pressed against Essek's back, and he let his cheek rest against Essek's.

"I will tell you," he said quietly. "But not tonight. Tonight is for feeling good, not for picking open old wounds."

Essek hunched forward slightly, enjoying the weight slung over him. He curled his hands around the human's wrists and leaned his head against Caleb's. It was difficult to stay mad at him.

"You once told me you have to share your secrets in order for a relationship to become meaningful," he said. "Do you still believe that?"

Caleb nuzzled Essek's neck and pulled away. "To an extent," he said as he climbed off of the bed. "Should we be upfront about this to the others?"

"About what? Our involvement?" Essek bent to gather the waistband of his trousers, hiked them up, and levitated to pull them over his legs. "I've already informed my direct superiors for the sake of accountability. But if you don't mind, I'd like to keep it quiet beyond that." His voice softened as he tightened the laces of the trousers and watched Caleb begin to gather his own clothes. "You are important to me," he said. "That makes you a target for those who seek to cause me harm."

Caleb yanked his trousers on effortlessly and bent to collect his discarded shirt. "Certain members of my group would tease me mercilessly," he agreed. "And then they would get suspicious of you and try to protect me from your supposed influence." He shrugged. "Or maybe not. I often find it difficult to predict their reactions to certain things."

"A secret romance, then." Essek flashed a grin as he began to reattach his braces. "I enjoy keeping secrets."

Caleb crossed over to him and took over fastening the top part of one brace. As he worked, his palm stole around Essek's thigh to grope Essek's backside. Essek flinched in surprise, and as Caleb grabbed his harness to tug him closer, Essek rested his palms on the wizard's hips.

"You can't possibly be ready to go again," he murmured.

"I only wanted to touch you."

With a throaty chuckle, Essek lowered his head to capture Caleb's lips. He lingered upon the languid kiss, then gathered Caleb's hands in his own as he reluctantly pulled back. "This won’t change things," he warned softly. "Should I ever have to chose between you and the Dynasty—"

"You will choose the Dynasty. I know."

There was no hesitation in Caleb's response. Smiling in relief, Essek kissed Caleb's knuckles, then released him to finish dressing. "I should go," he said as he pulled on his shirt. "I will be missed."

"Ah. Ja."

Was that a note of disappointment in the human's voice? Essek swung his robe over his shoulders and busied himself with sealing the front folds. As much as he wanted to reassure Caleb with another kiss, he knew that he was dangerously close to throwing caution to the wind and simply staying the entire night. He was well aware of the questions that would greet him on the return home, were he to come slinking back at dawn.

And he was well aware that he was falling quickly for the inscrutable wizard.

_Slow down. Keep him at arm's length. You still know so little about him. Don't be a fool._

The warnings flashed insistently through his mind as he gestured for his mantle to rise from the table and lower over his head. As he fixed it upon his shoulders, he raised his chin and straightened to assume an more authoritative demeanor. Fun in bed was one thing, but he was still a Shadowhand. It wouldn't do to let Caleb or anyone else think that they could take liberties with him.

"We should conduct ourselves professionally when not indulging in these private moments," he said in a formal tone. "It takes but a fleeting suspicion to spread rumors that could endanger our secrecy." The words sounded harsh in light of what they had just shared. Essek forced his expression to lighten as he turned back to Caleb. "Were my spells helpful in your journey?" he asked curiously. "Will you require another pearl?"

"Uh..." Caleb scratched his chin and averted his gaze, his cheeks darkening slightly. "I will not, actually. That was..." He hesitated and winced, his head tilting to one side. "I appreciate the pearl you gave me," he said, "but I was lying about not having one. I had not yet mastered casting the spell, and was worried you would ask for a demonstration, and so I lied and said I could not afford the necessary component. And then you gave me one. I was not expecting that, and I did not know what else to do but take it." He rubbed his elbow nervously, his gaze lowering as though he expected Essek to chastise him. Amused by the explanation, Essek drifted over to tap his finger beneath Caleb's chin and guide his face up.

"Well," he purred, "you did give me that pearl necklace before embarking on your quest. Consider us even for the deception."

Confusion clouded Caleb's face. "I do not recall gifting you jewelry."

Essek smirked. "Oh, it wasn't jewelry," he murmured slyly. He waited for Caleb to catch his implication. Seeing no comprehension, he lofted his brows and smiled. "It's a sexual reference, Caleb. You shot your load across my neck. That's called a pearl necklace."

Caleb's expression cleared. "I have never heard of that."

Essek caressed the side of Caleb's face. "There are so many things to teach you, Caleb."

"I enjoy learning."

"And I enjoy teaching." Essek patted Caleb's cheek and drifted backwards towards the wall he had used as an entry point. "I'll see you once we're ready to depart for the mountains," he said briskly. "Be safe."

"You as well."

Essek turned to press his hand against the wall. Just as he started to summon the power of density, Caleb's footsteps suddenly walked rapidly from the room.

"Wait," he said over his shoulder. Essek turned expectantly. Caleb disappeared into the other room, and returned a moment later carrying the book about the betrayer gods. He started to hand it over––then pulled it away as Essek reached for it. Essek's brows furrowed at the unexpected motion. There was no indication of playfulness on the wizard's haggard features, but he seemed to be waiting for something.

"Yes?" he finally asked.

Caleb held the book at the level of his shoulder, tapping the corner of it thoughtfully against his jaw before holding it back out for Essek to take. "This book was a gift," he reminded him. "Bring me a new one to replace it."

Essek's brows rose at the audacity of the demand. "I'll make a special trip to the Silken Cove just for you," he promised.

"A book without smut, please."

Chuckling, Essek tucked the book under his robe. "Very well," he replied. "The Silken Cove is temporarily out of business, anyway. I heard the shopkeeper and her assistant were arrested for buying and selling literature disparaging the Bright Queen and praising the Empire."

"Ah. A pity."

"Don't worry," Essek said as he turned back to the wall. "I'll see to it that they're released once the investigation has concluded." He started to raise his hand to the wall, only to drop it as Caleb took his elbow. Again, Essek turned, and again, Caleb grabbed his belt to pull him closer. Another kiss. Another caress. They pulled apart, their lips barely brushing together as they put off their departure for a few more precious moments.

"Goodnight, Herr Shadowhand," Caleb said quietly.

Essek smiled. "Goodnight, Sir Widogast." He drew away and wove his hand through the air. Filmy white tendrils of residual dunamantic energy twined through his fingers, dancing artfully in the air as Essek called upon his magic. The visual manifestation of the energy was needless; Essek simply couldn't resist showing off as he cast his spell with a flourish before sinking back through the wall. He thought he heard a soft chuckle as he merged into the nebulous stone, and as he emerged into the night air, he couldn't help but to turn a grin to the sky.

 _Blessed Luxon,_ he thought wistfully. _What manner of mischief are you getting me into now?_

Hitching the collar of his robe higher over the edge of his mantle, he drifted away from Xhorhaus and down the silent street.

Even if this turned out to be mistake, it would be the best one he had ever made.

 

**The End**

**Author's note:**

The end, you guys! Woot!

Thank you everyone for reading, and for all the wonderful comments you left me. It means a lot to know that people like my stories. I don't know what I'll write next (if anything), but I hope that if I post anything else, I can continue to make people smile. This is such a lovely fandom, and I am so happy to be a part of it.

Much love to all!


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